Drowning

 

Oh, there are so many things, and I can't seem to get out of my own way. The exhaustion is absolute, and there isn't much time for anything. I have little patience. Seemingly small things are getting on every last nerve that I have. I am in a place that I have always wanted to be in, and yet there is that sadness that just won't let go. It's the ever-present heavy kind that I just can't seem to shake. 

I received the evaluation from the conference, and everything was excellent, primarily, but I focused on the ones that weren't. The one who said they could have done without the music, but that music gave an insight that you wouldn't have had. The one who said they left feeling defeated missed the entire point; it was wanting them to be different. I am not even looking at it again. I can't right now. I read some of their comments and think they are not prepared for trauma or its effects, and that makes me sad. I need to learn to focus on the many good things that were said, and right now, that is more challenging than I thought. It was three negatives in a room full of positives, and all I see are the ones who don't understand. I know that there is no way in a presentation to make everyone happy, but goodness, I want everyone to see my heart and where I am coming from. 

Even the other day at work, someone with all good intentions often told me to go home and get some rest. I can usually smile and keep going, but on Friday, I had heard it one too many times. I said no, I don't get rest, I have clients every night, and I have three classes. I usually don't eat dinner, because after going all day, when I get home at 8:30, there is nothing left of me to cook or clean. So, please, for my sanity, could you stop telling me to get some rest?  Then there are those people who come into my classroom, ask how I am, smile, then walk out like they never heard my words ! DO NOT walk in here, see what is going on and then do nothing. Do not smile at me after I have told you the situation and pretend that everything is fnie, I am about as far from fine as a person get right now. I even asked a co-worker today, like I am not making myself clear. what else should I be saying for them to understand the situation ? So over it, and barely keeping my head above water. 

There is this feeling of being on edge all the time, and it's not a fun place to be. At the moment, I don't know how to make it better. I know everything will get done, I always do, but at what cost? It's only the first week of September, and I have nothing. Work isn't at all helping the situation.  It is nothing like last year, and we are barely getting by each day. What they want us to do is simply not sustainable, and I am unsure where that leaves me. 

I hope this is just a phase and that I will soon snap out of it, get into the groove of this new phase of practicum, school, and work.  I need to find a balance, but right now, there isn't one. I even tried to ask for Mondays off, and she said Oh, but you don't want to lose your office space. I have yet to determine when the assignments will be completed. I'm not sure where to fit them in. I just don't even have time to breathe. 

I find myself so looking forward to Wednesday and getting to just be, no pressure, no deadlines, no judgment. There are so many things, and I don't feel like I am doing any of them well.  I just don't understand the sadness, when I am in a place with all that I have ever wanted. 

I heart your heart. 

I was Hurt in Unimaginable ways That Broke Me to Pieces

So hard to remember, impossible to forget 

Struggling to make the unimaginable fit

I go, keep going, and I smile 

Sometimes I am truly doing ok

Some days, the memories are not at the forefront, and I can breathe easy

Then out of nowhere, I am not ok again 

I guess you could say that I am haunted by what happened at 13

Some pictures are so very clear

I can hear them, smell them and even sometimes feel their hands

I see some pictures so vivid, like I saw them yesterday.

All these years later, the pictures are alive

All this work, and in a moment, sometimes I am a wreck

I want to be so strong, I want to be present 

Sometimes the reality hits me, and I wonder how I am still standing

I am helping clients, and yet I have this part of me that feels so weak

and often feels like a fraud

How can I struggle with this piece and be helpful? 

How can I provide hope on the days when I have little

So many things to consider 

I will make it. I keep going, that is what I do

There is just a different kind of realization,

the hate, the evil that that little girl survived

I often wonder how, when today I feel like I could crumble

Sometimes it amazes me how I can counsel

All my stuff is left outside the door, yet I walk out 

And there it all is 

screaming at me, 

the heavy, heavy baggage that keeps me tied to the most awful

I become intentional, working on "it"

The thing that I dread most in life

 And I feel my heart race, my head starts to pound

There is this anxious need to run at any given moment

I can feel the danger with every fiber of my being

The feeling of wanting to crawl into a hole, have someone hold me, and tell me it's all going to be ok

Oh I wish that someone could just take it away, make it less awful

The last big piece of my story that chills me to the bone.

The last big piece that terrifies me, that broke me into millions of pieces

As the scarecrow says: 

There are pieces of me over there and over there and over there  

And I am not sure that I am fixable, not that part. 

Maybe some parts are just too broken

Maybe, just maybe, this is one of those things that will 

forever and always just need Band-Aids

And I just don't know if I am ok with that

I have to keep fighting, I have to win against this piece

It didn't kill me then; it can't kill me now. 

Somewhere, my brain doesn't believe that. 

I heart your heart

 

Running on Adenaline

 

What a first week of the semester! There are so many thoughts, so many emotions, and I am hanging on by a mere single little thread. I started experiencing a sore throat late Monday, and it worsened over time. Fever by the end of Tuesday and finally gone Friday, but still achy. And eating, who has time for that, because there is not just the cooking but the cleaning as well, and who has time for that? Can I survive like this for 16 weeks? I am not sure if I can really, and that worries me. The number of times I have gotten dizzy today is too numerous to count. Today is an extra day, a holiday, and yet I still don't have enough time to accomplish all the things I need to do. I'm not sure exactly where that leaves me or what my next steps are. But tonight I am in tears because there isn't enough, and a list feet long of things that still need attention. 

Work well, it is awful. The year has not started off well, and I am overwhelmed. Nothing is as it was said it would be, and there is nothing they can do. I have already said that they are purposely pushing people out, and it is working. They will not have any staff left to cover the two rooms if they continue at the current rate. I tried to be as positive as possible going back this year, and each day, each hour, there are more and more mountains to climb, with insufficient help and resources. I am tired of staff members coming into my room smiling, as if everything is fine, and as a teacher, I am barely treading water. They are ok with that, and that is the reason I am on the way out. So many appointments for people coming to observe, but we are forgotten. They arrive at times with few students and tell us, 'Wow, look how well you are doing.' No, we are in survival mode, trying to care for our little ones. We are doing what we do, and we are burnt out, and we are four weeks into school. We all look around, asking the question, Can we make it through this year?  Often there are no words, we just look at each other with a knowing, wondering what the day ahead will bring? 

I have started seeing clients, and I am excited; however, I also feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility. That I wasn't sure that I was prepared for.  There is a sadness, a lack of hope that is so heavy. I do love it, this is what I have wanted, but this isn't the place for me. It will be fine. In 16 weeks, a person can accomplish almost anything, right? School is crazy, my practicum teacher gives little information, and I am struggling. There is no syllabus, no direction, and I don't know if we are having class tomorrow on campus or via Zoom, because there is zero communication. I need to know what is expected of me, what needs to be done, and when I need to complete tasks. None of that is being shared. 

Even as I sit here writing, I am more than overwhelmed. I am just going to bed, and let's see what happens tomorrow. A job that I no longer love, where the expectations are just not doable. A class with no communication. I am hungry, but too tired to make anything and then clean all over again, so I am going to read some Yalom, find the why I want to do this, and try to breathe. Tomorrow has got to be a better day. It has too. But I have little hope that it will be, and I am going to do my best not to cry. 

I heart your heart