I was Hurt in Unimaginable ways That Broke Me to Pieces

So hard to remember, impossible to forget 

Struggling to make the unimaginable fit

I go, keep going, and I smile 

Sometimes I am truly doing ok

Some days, the memories are not at the forefront, and I can breathe easy

Then out of nowhere, I am not ok again 

I guess you could say that I am haunted by what happened at 13

Some pictures are so very clear

I can hear them, smell them and even sometimes feel their hands

I see some pictures so vivid, like I saw them yesterday.

All these years later, the pictures are alive

All this work, and in a moment, sometimes I am a wreck

I want to be so strong, I want to be present 

Sometimes the reality hits me, and I wonder how I am still standing

I am helping clients, and yet I have this part of me that feels so weak

and often feels like a fraud

How can I struggle with this piece and be helpful? 

How can I provide hope on the days when I have little

So many things to consider 

I will make it. I keep going, that is what I do

There is just a different kind of realization,

the hate, the evil that that little girl survived

I often wonder how, when today I feel like I could crumble

Sometimes it amazes me how I can counsel

All my stuff is left outside the door, yet I walk out 

And there it all is 

screaming at me, 

the heavy, heavy baggage that keeps me tied to the most awful

I become intentional, working on "it"

The thing that I dread most in life

 And I feel my heart race, my head starts to pound

There is this anxious need to run at any given moment

I can feel the danger with every fiber of my being

The feeling of wanting to crawl into a hole, have someone hold me, and tell me it's all going to be ok

Oh I wish that someone could just take it away, make it less awful

The last big piece of my story that chills me to the bone.

The last big piece that terrifies me, that broke me into millions of pieces

As the scarecrow says: 

There are pieces of me over there and over there and over there  

And I am not sure that I am fixable, not that part. 

Maybe some parts are just too broken

Maybe, just maybe, this is one of those things that will 

forever and always just need Band-Aids

And I just don't know if I am ok with that

I have to keep fighting, I have to win against this piece

It didn't kill me then; it can't kill me now. 

Somewhere, my brain doesn't believe that. 

I heart your heart