Through My Lens

 

There was once a time when I called them "trauma goggles." I see, feel, and experience everything in this life through the things that have happened to me. Today, I think the phrase "through my lens" would be more appropriate. I have lived, I have lived lifetimes, and am on my way to finding better, to believing that I deserve more, and that I am willing to do anything to get the things that make my heart happy. I was talking yesterday, and the picture that came to my mind when my mother died was of her at the bottom of the ocean, and I was tethered to a chain that she was holding. She was the holder of that chain, letting me go only so far, while I was drowning right in front of her. She didn't want me to succeed in being better than her or achieve more. And then the following picture in my mind is what happened when she passed away. I feel like that chain, made of lies, deceit, and pretending, wasn't able to hold me anymore. A specific weight was released, and I was able to come up for air.  In that exact moment, there was relief like nothing I had ever known. The things that I have been able to do since her passing are astonishing, and with her alive, secrets would be kept, and I would still be underwater. I would still be drowning today if she were alive, and I am grateful that isn't the case. 

She even wrote a letter that I am not sure I was ever supposed to see, and she said that I chose to live in a haunted house. Her words cut like a knife. I wanted to scream; she was the one who wanted us to live in a haunted house and pretend everything was fine. When I was unwilling and unable to keep pretending, I was made into a troublemaker.  I was the one who stood up and said This isn't ok. Somewhere, I wanted things to be so different.  As I began to find my voice, to become something different than that drowning girl, I was the one who became the problem. 

So much growing up in the house that I did was so cruel and indescribable.  My father was always the monster, but my mother also played a massive role in that. How I see things in the world today is different, sometimes terrifying, and often misunderstood. I will always see and experience things differently because it's in my bones; I don't know how to see them any other way. So much of trauma work often focuses on what was before the trauma. For me, there is no before; it was all I ever knew. I never knew family, or comfort, or safety, or any of those things that come to mind when someone uses the word family. That will forever and always have an impact on each and every experience in my life. Sometimes I still try to run from that realization, but I am closer to accepting that no amount of hope could have made the environment I grew up in any different or any kinder. 

Being around different families and watching how they interact and talk to each other is sometimes overwhelming. The realization is screaming at you about all the things that you don't have today, and all the things you never really had to begin with. That makes a person realize just how crazy-making those things were, and it helps you understand how you see the world. With that comes a sadness: you can be accepted by others, but many interactions make you realize that you are included, not a permanent part. That's the part that stings, that no matter how badly you want to be a part of a family, you have what you have or don't have.  Vincent, Mariska, and I are lucky, our little growing family.  And now that Amelia has joined us, she brings a different kind of hope, a different joy, and understanding of just how important little things are in life. There is a sweetness knowing that she has the things that I never had, and will have even more things than Vincent ever had.  

There is a lot of grief and loss that comes from being brought up in my family of origin. There are always moments, seconds that cut like a knife. Some things will always be tender, but I am enjoying learning, growing, and becoming the person I have always wanted to be, and not letting a single person get in the way.  Still lots of hurt, lots of wounds, but they are no longer actively bleeding, but tender, and I hope in time, even that tenderness will be something that I can smile at and know just how far I have come. 

I heart your heart

I Wish Me Rest

 

Hard to believe it's been almost 4 years. It feels like yesterday and lifetimes ago all at the same time. I was talking to Mariska, and I said that I can't even imagine what life would be like today. And she said she probably wouldn't even live with us anymore, and that there wouldn't likely be a relationship. Words that hit hard, that stick and ring so true. Words that should not fit for a time after losing your mother. I still do not miss her. I have waited 4 years, and I just don't think it will be.  I'm not sure what I feel, but she has been on my mind a lot. When Mariska and I went out Christmas shopping, I saw things I thought I would totally have gotten her for Christmas. I honestly don't want her to be a thought anymore, it just hurts. Even when Vincent saw my brother, there was a moment when, if Vincent hadn't said anything, he would have kept walking. There is still a pull on my heart; I am still more relieved than any other feeling. 

The day passed with no real feelings. I even realized that it was the 3rd of December and not the 4th, crazy how time changes and gives a different meaning. It is crazy that with the passage of these four years, instead of finding fond memories and cherished moments, I have found exactly the opposite.  I have found letters and pieces of paper that have shown what she truly thought of me. It's more than hard to comprehend sometimes, because a mom is supposed to love you through and through. For me, I wanted her to love me, and she wasn't in a place to do that; there will always be a sting with that.  

I am in a place where certain doors are closing, and I am truly ok with that. As much as I would like to forget, she will always be my mom. That hurt, and the sadness will be forever.  That door is closing, I am moving on and doing things that I have always wanted to, things that I have only imagined are truly becoming a reality. I am becoming the mom that I always needed.  I am becoming the woman that she was never able to see, cherish, and appreciate. It's often a sad place to be when you are alone in the world, but my family is growing, things are changing, and I am finding my way. Lots of next steps ahead. New semesters, new chapters, and lots of decisions to be made.  

I am learning and growing all the time, and looking forward to new experiences, many new memories, and creating a life that is patient, kind, and always full of heart. The things that I am passionate about, there is nothing that anyone can do to change that.

You have come a long way, Callahan, and there Is so much ahead of you that isn't even in your wildest dreams yet. 

I heart your heart.  

Heartburnings

 

Oh, I am in the strangest part of my life right now.  So many things are going as I have always wanted them to, and there are parts of me that are sadder than they have ever been. I don't even know what to write or how to say the things that are spinning in every inch of my soul. It's a weaving of all the things, new and old, that are making me who I am today. I sit here wishing I had the right words to give me some kind of relief. I stare at this picture and think I am healing all the parts of me that deserved so much better, but today I feel an emptiness that I just don't understand. My heart hurts more today than it has in a long time. That feeling of wanting to curl up in a ball, that loneliness, oh, the loneliness, that will not leave me alone. When good things happen, there is no soft place to land. When I am too tired to cry, to make dinner, or even to take a shower, there is no one to ask if I am doing ok or if there is anything I need. I don't want to do everything on my own. There is a more profound realisation of everything I have missed.

A deeper understanding of all that I never received in this life of mine. An anger at the people around me who had a job to do and chose to look the other way. A rage that no one stepped up to keep me safe. I look at my sweet, amazing Ms Amelia, and my heart glows; she is everything that I have fought for. There is a presence with her. When we laugh, when she looks at me with those big brown eyes, we say a thousand words to each other, yet there is no sound. She is going to have the most fantastic life, with so many people to support her; that is such a gift. 

I am certain this has been the most challenging semester of my entire career. Each week, I had new experiences and situations to overcome. I have come so far and grown more than I imagined. As an individual, as a professional, as a human who wants more out of others. I find myself getting frustrated with other students in the field, who have not lived life and say things so callous and unkind. I struggle with the fact that others don't take being in a master's program very seriously; their words and actions are something I don't want to be a part of. There is a lack of professionalism that makes me want to scream. The problem is that they don't even know that they are doing it. I am far from perfect, I am sure that I will make millions of mistakes, but there is a particular awareness that makes me different. The life that I have lived, the experiences that I have had. So much revolves around Spunky lately.  There is a quiet kind of respect for her and all that she has suffered. I understand where she is, but I want her with me more than anything. I am coming to know why she is the way she is, but there is a heaviness with that; she deserved so much better.  I want her to find breathing easy and a freedom that allows her to dance with the wind, purely because she can. I want to be her safe place to call home, to feel, to cry, to be present in all the little moments of joy that we have always found solace in. 

I am figuring out my next steps in this life, the loneliness is ever-present, and I am not sure why. A loneliness that I have always known, that I was able to pretend was how things were supposed to be. Today, I just want more.   Once again, I think that Spunky is a massive piece of that. To share my goals, my accomplishments, and all that I want for myself. I want there to be someone when the doubt wins, to remind me how far I have come, and I am not even close to being done yet. There are a lot of tears, and I mean oceans full.  Some are happy, some are pure joy, and then some fall at the drop of a hat. It's the time of year, it's all the feelings, it's the exhaustion, it's the pain of all that never will be and all that I never imagined. So much, this heart of mine, someday maybe someone can hold it gently and know all of who I am, and love me with all that they are.  

Somewhere, somehow, someday. 

I heart your heart. 

Healed Unhealed and healing all at once

 

That, that right there, those words. Those are the things that are truer than true that I feel with every fiber of my being. It's a strange place to be, a place that is awkward, difficult, and even confusing. I am better off than I have ever been, and there is a weight on my being, my soul, that I don't understand. There are parts of me that are so ok, that are healed. Parts that are happy and can find joy.  Parts and pieces that I have worked so hard on. I have cried, processed, and talked about them until they no longer made me ache. 

Then there are the unhealed things that still hurt that I don't have words for, that can literally steal the air in my lungs at the mere thought of them. The things that make me want to crawl into a hole, the things that I wish there was some kind of magic pill for, that would make them non-existent. These are the things that I would do anything for them not to be mine. I want those things to be anything but what they are. The things that still bring nightmares, and memories that bring me to a time when the world was dark. 

Then there are the healing parts, the parts that long for something better, that keep fighting for what was always ours, we just never knew it. I think I will be here for the rest of my life. There is no end, no magic moment that will make everything anything other than what it is.  This is the part that longs for those counseling appointments, for that connection, for the understanding of everything that is held in my heart. Why do I react the way that I do? Why do I panic and cry at the most minor things?  Why can I be thrown back to the past by things that others don't even blink an eye at? 

Maybe this is just the life of a survivor, trying to find a balance between all three. I am healed, Healing, and unhealed all at once. Some days more of one than the other. Some days all healed, some days nothing is healing, and I am broken to the bone. Some days I feel like I am on top of the world, and yet the next day I am trying to play catch-up. Some days I can remember and everything is ok, other days I remember and just want someone to tell me I am not as awful as I feel. In all three I keep fighting hoping that someday, all the things that hurt won't hurt anymore. 

I heart your heart

This place

 I am not sure, there is everything and nothing on my heart, but probably more of everything. I am more than tired of crying, not knowing how I feel from one minute to the next. There are a few moments that I feel that joy, that I breathe easily, but mostly there is this heavy feeling. I feel like I'm always in trouble and doing things wrong, no matter what the circumstance is. I am a massive screwup, no matter what I do. It's the past, it's the present, it's even things that haven't happened yet. The past is heavy because I am always walking on eggshells at work, wondering if I am going to be the chosen target of my student. There are still wounds that are screaming to be healed, and I am trying so hard and just feel defeated so often. Frustration is a common occurrence at myself at others at everything really. There isn't enough time for anything.  There is never a moment that I can just sit without thinking that I haven't missed something important, or forgotten to do something. Every single day, I want to give up, yet I never do. My alarm goes off, and I think, I just can't today. But I hit my snooze as many times as possible, and I get up and smile and pretend that everything is fine.  There is an ache, a longing for something that I can't quite reach. Maybe a place that doesn't exist, but a place that I believe is out there somewhere. A place where spunky is a part of me and together we conquer the world. I honestly wish that I had better words, a better explanation, some kind of reason for why I want to curl up in a ball and pretend that everything is fine. I want to be okay, but I feel like I am the farthest thing from that. Everything and yet nothing all at once, my heart is exhausted. 

Unrelenting Emptyness

 

There are just some things in life that, when a person doesn't get them, create an unrelenting emptiness that affects absolutely everything. I am going to struggle with that for my entire life. As hard as I work, as much as I fight, there are these pieces that just don't fit.  These are pieces that create an emptiness everywhere in everything that I do. I am different; I don't fit in, and these parts of me just don't go anywhere; they don't fit. 

I am just struggling more lately than I have in a long time, and things are going right in all the best ways. It's a crazy sad that I can't get out of.  And I just don't understand all that I am feeling. There is this emptiness, this feeling of not being enough of being a bother, a pest. I can't get out of my own way, and there isn't enough of me to do all that I need to do. 

I even went to meet with a friend today, and it was not at all what I expected. I was not ok and wanted a connection.  She was on her phone, taking a call, and working on a paper. All things that don't need to get done there in that moment. I have so many things that I could be doing, and I felt like nothing sitting there in front of her. Everything was more important.

Everything is making me angry, and everything is making me sad. What is a person supposed to do with that? I want to scream, hit my head to feel anything other than what I feel right now. I don't want to eat, I don't want anything other than to disappear. Sometimes I just feel more than invisible, and it's such an empty feeling. No matter what I do, there is this incredible longing for something else. This week I am on break, and I can't even relax and do nothing. There is always something to do, always something that needs my time. Even when I just sit, the need to be productive and accomplish something is huge. So much unrest that I can't wrap my brain around. I sit here wanting so badly to type and get it all out in the hopes that the feeling will subside, but there are no right words, there are no right pictures. It's a place that is hollow and lacking in so many things that I don't even have a clue where to start. I am just not ok right now, and I want to be more than anything. SO I am pretending, trying to keep going and do everything that is needed right now, but goodness, I am spent. Absolutely utterly spent. 

Life is a roller coaster

 

So much is in my heart. I am happy, yet I am broken, overwhelmed, and totally burnt out. I was watching Lilith Fair, the documentary, and it was so good, the songs I grew up listening to. All the moments of my life, and the tears started flowing. When all of those artists came onto the scene, those were the words to the story of my life. Those were the songs that played through the tears and the hopes for the future. The life I have lived and the experiences I have had have given me an immense amount of strength, hope, and a longing for things to be different for me. I want freedom, I want the kind of peace that feels complete. I want the kind of rest that makes me feel renewed each day. I am in a difficult place right now, and I understand why, yet at the same time, I don't. I am in a place that I have worked so hard for, and there is a hole. There is this sadness, this intense sense that I am missing out on something. There is a need to belong somewhere, and yet I don't really belong anywhere. I no longer belong in the teaching field; I have yet to belong to the counseling field. And I, in my own skin, have yet to hold spunky and help her heal her heart so much all at once. I just need more of myself, more time, more space, more light to believe that I am truly going to make it. Maybe even that I am worthy of all the things that I long for. 

I recently received my copy of Sara Mclaughlin's new album, and one of the songs, of course, you guessed it, brought me to tears. 

This healing journey is so long, and as I work on these last few pieces, the last few pivotal pieces, it's a lot. Daily, I wonder if I am strong enough and brave enough for these steps. I just want her with me, beside me, a part of who I am in my everyday. Not someone sitting in the past trying to make it right. Because no matter how badly I want to make it something other than what it is, I can't. No matter how long Spunky sits there trying to make sense out of all that happened, there is no making sense. It was just terrible, and it happened it happened to us and we have to face it, and find a way to be ok. The amount of energy everything takes right now is extraordinary. I want to be this bubbly, happy person, but right now I am just not ok. I can't even tell you how hard that is to admit. I am not ok, and I want to be more than anything. I dread waking up every day, going to a job that just isn't the same. I am tired of being hit, and everyone keeps saying 'more data, more data.' How bad does someone have to get hurt before something changes? Goodness, there are good moments. I love the kids, but I just can't anymore. I feel like I am lost in a swamp, trying to stay alive in quicksand. The daily triggers are just too much, and I am not sure what a person is supposed to do with that. I can not be grabbed at my neck, slapped on my chest, bitten on my chest, and pretend that everything is fine.  Maybe someone else can take that and keep going, but I cannot because it affects me so deeply. I am not sure that others can understand the impact that it has on me. In those moments, I am thrown back into the most awful moments of my life. 

I am trying harder than I ever have to heal Spunky, and I feel like I am beating my head against the wall. I want nothing more than for her to be a part of me and join me on this journey. I feel like I need her now more than ever. She is so much a part of everything that I do in my everyday, and yet there is a distance. I don't hate her anymore. I want her with me, and as much as I want her with me, I am terrified. In my bone,s she is all the things that I don't feel like I am. She is me, and I am her, but there is a separation that is more than hard to put into any kind of words. She is everything I am not. I am everything gross and disgusting. 

I am just not ok right now, and I am overwhelmed. There are so many things that I want, and I feel like I am not very good at any one of them. 

I heart your heart