Sadness

 

There are so many things to speak about.  So many things that are in my heart that I can't explain or understand.  It is something strange when others start reading the things you write.  On one hand, it's amazing and you hope that it is making a difference.  On the other hand, it's very overwhelming and you question everything. In so many ways it's something that I have always wanted to share. The things that are in my heart are things that I want others to be able to understand. I want my experiences to be heard so that it makes a difference for others. For someone to read what I have written and maybe do things different so that other people don't have to go through the same experiences that I have. That means the world to me, knowing that others will be treated differently is something that I am more than passionate about. We have to do better for survivors.   

For me, looking back on some of the past things that I have written there was a theme of sadness.  I was a little shocked, like really these feelings are still here so prominent. And there was the anger at myself that I am not done yet. There are moments I feel like one of those people that is dwelling on those things.  The last thing I want to be is to that person who people dread coming and run the other way.  I fear people reading the things that I write and thinking, she needs to get over it, she is looking for attention.  It is a real fear that I will be seen as someone who is just stuck in that place of sad, like oh poor me.  I am everything opposite of that, but the fear that is how I will be seen is much bigger than I would like.  

So tonight, I was talking about that sad that has been an ever-present part of my life. There are oh so many questions, I wonder if this sad will ever go away.  I wonder if this will always be a part of who I am.  I asked Mark and he said that hopefully it will soften, the edges won't feel so sharp.  That made so much sense.  Lately the sad is very sharp, and it makes me heart heavy.  There is so much sad, just so much. Mark even said that he can not imagine the amount of sad that I must feel. And the weight of that hits me and it's a punch to my stomach.  I hear that and I want to give myself the time for that sadness. like if someone else is able to acknowledge just how much sad that I have in who I am, then somehow, it's ok to be sad. 

And he asked me another thoughtful question.  Would there be Joy if there was no sad?  And I don't know.  I see the little things around me all the time. I notice the little bird drinking water from a puddle.  I notice the leaf that looks like a heart that landed on my window.  I notice the clouds and the smallest drop of rain on my cheek and the most beautiful rainbow off in the distance.  Even at the worst of times I notice those things and they keep me going.  Those were the things that have always kept me going. Even this morning leaving for work, I was late of course, and yet I still noticed that vibrant Cardinal sitting on the sidewalk.  That made my day this morning, it's those little things that I notice, that make my heart smile.  It's always been those little things. And would I give up those things to never have that sadness, and the answer is no.  Not in a single second.  I would never ever give up those little things, for the sadness to go away.  With out a doubt without questions, I would never give those things up.  At the same time that I believe that it is possible to experience joy without that deep sad.  The amount of sadness that I have experienced gives me a different appreciation of those little things. Even sitting here, writing I hear the birds out the window.  It stops me in my tracks, and I think how many there are do they live in the magnolia tree, just to hear them happily chirping, that is everything. I would never give up how I experience those little things.  And I wonder, without that sad, what would my experience of those birds outside my window be?  I can never answer that question because I cannot change a thing that has happened to me, but I can try to change things for others.  

As deep and as, awful as that sad is maybe I need to learn to embrace it a little. For me sadness is the enemy, it's not a good thing. Sadness is something weak.  My sadness terrifies me because it's so deep and so intense. It's fine for others, but for me it isn't ok for me to be sad. I feel like a broken record often because when you have not had normal life kindness, kindness is something extra special that I am not willing to overlook that.  Often when I receive those kindnesses the tears come, because I am that grateful. Because things i should have heard my entire life I have just heart while in my 40's.  Let that sink in. 

I was crying in my session tonight and I asked the question, will this deep sad ever go away.  There is a piece of my heart, that knows, there are going to be pieces of that sadness always there.  I am always going to have parts of me that are sad about what was lost, what was taken what I never got to experience. I need to be realistic, that it is not possible to wake up one day and magically have that sadness wiped away. I am just a person that feels everything so deeply.  I am still trying to figure it all out.  That balance, the tears and the joy.  I would never want those little joys to be anything other than that for me, but I do so wish that the sad would lose its edges.  I have been battered and bruised for so so long and I just need less of that sad.  I just need less of the heavy that weighs on my soul.  Life is heavy and when you are a person that feels it all, it's a burden that no person should have to carry alone.  I have hope that the sad will soften, I have hope that somedays the tears won't be so quick to come. I have hope that I am never going to stop trying, until each and every one of those edges is as soft as a feather. 

Even with this sad I am going to find my very own happily ever after. The sad is so intense, that it often takes me breath away. I need to remember, it's a feeling, feel it and let it pass.  Just a little turbulence.  I was listening to that song on the way home and the tears fell and fell and fell. So many tears.  I know that I have come so far, and I know that I have a way to go.  I don't care what anyone says, I am looking for that place of happily ever after, when my heart finds peace and comfort, with the softness of a million feathers. 

Both so turbulent and Always searching for happily ever after. 

I heart your heart.   

Swallowed whole

 I saw this picture and my heart melted.  Often, I feel like I am being swallowed whole by the things that have happened to me. I fight goodness I fight, but sometimes as hard as I fight it doesn't seem like it's enough.  There are moments I feel as if the world is traveling smooth and things are going well.  Then again, it's something so simple, and everything seems to fall apart. Sometimes I just need to be gently rescued from the thoughts in my head that tell me how awful that I must be. There are times when I take everything in, but there is this raging current of feelings and emotions going on inside. Yet on the outside you would never know it.  There have been a lot of feelings of being alone and having to do everything alone and its overwhelming. Exhaustion is something that is felt often daily.  Sleep has been hard to find.   It's not even specific nightmares but a feeling of running until there is nothing left.  When morning comes, I have been running all night so there is no real rest.  I need a break I need some peace; I need someone to guide me through this that can be there for the worst of the worst and the best of the best.  I am tired of cleaning and tired of cooking.  I am tired so tired of all the things and I desperately need some rest.  It's the end of another semester and find myself questioning everything! Did I do this right, that right, did I turn in everything that I was supposed to. I am second guessing everything, and my head hurts. I just desperately am wanting to find my place in this world.  I want to find my very own people that I can say will you come over?  Want to watch a movie ?  Hey my favorite poet is in town want to go with me ? That is what I want.  It seems that at 49 I am yet to find those things and it makes me sad.  I feel like I am doing something wrong. I feel like there is some kind of flaw that makes me always the outlier.  

Cutting ties

 

I can't even believe that I am putting this into words, but it is more than time.  In my life I have always had favorites.  There have been people that I have unconditionally loved without a doubt.  Often times, I had favorites, but I was not their favorite and for a long time that was good enough.  For too long really that was ok with me.  Because they were my favorite.  Recently, that just isn't enough.  I am sick of having favorites but never being anyone's favorite back.  It's so hard to explain really. I give and give and give, getting morsels back.  Each morsel I hold onto thinking maybe someday I will fit with them maybe someday; just maybe I will be their favorite too. And I look around, at their favorites and realize that I have just crumbs.  I used to be ok with that.  I am not anymore.  I deserve more than crumbs.  I want more than crumbs every now and then.  And it's really hard.  When I realized that I wanted more, things that used to be ok just aren't anymore.  What used to be fine, just isn't anymore.  Part of that breaks my heart because some people that were favorites, literally meant everything, and at the same time the amount oh hurt that was inflicted on my heart, are things that I can no longer ignore.  When there are new posts and pictures that break your heart, I don't need this heart of mine to keep breaking over things that aren't meant for me. It hurts, because I never imagined, this is where things would be.  When a person can't appreciate who you are, and how you got there, it makes things difficult. I want people that hear me and can appreciate where I have been and where I am going. And I am just not going in their direction, maybe it was a season, maybe it was something else, but I can't sacrifice myself to be something to them that I am not. I cannot hold on hoping to be something to someone, because I am worth more than crumbs. I am worth more, than I am being given. 

It was my birthday, and I received a text message saying well, I tried to say happy birthday, but we are no longer friends on Facebook.  I am sure it was a mistake.  Then well if this is the only way that I can contact you Happy Birthday. My heart sank.  No, we were no longer friends on Facebook.  It was just too hurtful for me, knowing that I was not seen and heard. Others were chosen over me, and excuses were given.  Not once was I asked if I was ok. So many months ago, I decided that I was no longer willing to have my heart crushed and I did unfriend her.  A long time ago.  I saw her message and a part of me froze, should I tell her it was a mistake, do I tell her I have no idea what happened?  So many thoughts and it took me a few days to answer.  I wanted to say, some conversations are just not meant for texts. Thank you for the happy birthday. I wanted to be brutally honest, but I didn't have it in me. So, I said awe thanks, things are crazy with grad school full time and working full time.  And then another response and another.  She asked if I was going into school administration, clearly, she had not seen my page is a long time anyway. She asked me questions that she had not asked in years.  She was having this conversation, and I thought the only reason this conversation is even occurring, is because she realized we were no longer friends.  I cannot even tell you how long it had been without any words from her.  There was a sadness, because she doesn't get it.  There was a sadness because she used to be a favorite.  There was a sadness, that I was no longer willing to have my heart broken to hope for something that deep down I knew would never be.  It's the worst feeling when there are all these words that want to come out, and you realize that there is no point.  All the times they have come to Dallas, I have not seen them.  All the times they have been close I was never a consideration.  There is just so much hurt there.  As I am growing, as I continue to heal, I cannot be a part of something that doesn't want me to be a part back.  There are still so many thoughts and feelings. It still kills me, I never imagined this is where things would be. She always said you can't be everyone's friend.  NO, that is true.  You cannot be everyone's friend.  So to avoid my heart from breaking anymore, I removed myself from the situation. I did what was right for me, it hurts that there is no understanding. It hurts so much.  In time, I hope, this ache lessens.  I just so wanted to be a part of them like they were a part of me.  I can't be an afterthought, the one always left out.  I deserve more. 

 I heart your heart

FAILURE

 

What I really want to do is write this word over and over and over and over until I don't feel that way anymore.  There are no words, but this one and it's all that I can see.  It's been this way for over a week and still it's grip is strong.  It started last week, when there was an issue with my video for my grad class. Because of that issue I was unable to turn in the assignment.  Mind you, that morning, I was able to download the corrected video and was able to get the assignment in that evening.  My professor said that it would still be late, but there really was no other option for me. I think I cried through most of the class, because not turning an assignment in is just unacceptable. I was pretty devasted. On one hand the professor was understanding and at the same time was asking questions well why didn't I realize it sooner, well it isn't that bad, there were many discounting statements that didn't help what I was feeling. Since then the feeling of failure is immense, and I am not sure how to shake it.  Then the following Saturday I am slowly coming back from that sense of failure.  And BAM group project, I froze I was a deer in headlights and no words would even come from my mouth.  I had a partner who did nothing, even when reading the notes, she read it like a script instead of a conversation. Needless to say, it was more than rough.  Then there was the co-facilitator who texted on her phone telling us that we needed to speak more and interact.  I could not, there were no words that were coming out of my mouth.  They asked how I thought it went and said that I felt like a deer in headlights that no words would come.  I said that I didn't drink but if I did I would need a very large drink.  It seemed ok, the professor came back and was talking about group being difficult and it's not as simple as some may think.  For a few minutes I gave myself a break until the professor and co-facilitator were speaking and you know when you can read body language yea that moment and I was flustered the rest of the day.  FAILURE, the only words that seems to keep running around my mind.  And the spiral that comes with that, I am not good enough, I am a letdown, yada yada yada !   All the things you could imagine were leading me down a spiral going nowhere fast.  I know that I am not going to be prefect at everything, but I feel this need to be better than what I am.  I am exhausted and have a few weeks left of classes.  There are a few classmates that are getting on my last nerve.  I just need a breather and a break.  All I know is that I am not a failure, but I sure wish those feelings of failure would soon disappear because they are heavy and exhausting.  I am spent.     

I heart your heart. 

Even from the grave

 It's amazing the things that can bother us even after a person has passed away. Most days I am fine.  But on those days that I am not it feels like there is a lead balloon in my soul.  My mother acted in ways that were not kind and said things that were often not true about me. I don't even want to imagine the things that she said to those that were around her.  I could tell by their silence towards me, that it wasn't good.  Everyone contacted my brother, flooded him with all the praise.  I got nothing, no condolences no nothing.  Since she passed away, the words that she wrote, things that she stated towards me have broken my heart into millions of little pieces.  I find myself every now and then thinking of her wishing for warm thoughts and kind memories, but right now I can't see through the hurt.  That was always the problem when she was alive.  She could never understand how I saw things or where I was coming from. She was never willing to acknowledge her part in the awful things that happened to me. She could never acknowledge the person that I was, and who I was becoming. She could never acknowledge the person that I was because of the things that happened to me.  She wanted me to forget, sweep it all under the carpet and pretend that all was well with the world.  For me, none of those things were an option. 

I was everything the opposite of what she wanted.  So many things I will never understand.  I thought by now some of the things that I have learned she said, would no longer hurt.  But they do, they still are like a knife.  I was even looking back at a memory that came up on my phone, and she said that I had a peace breaking spirit. What? ME?  I have a peace breaking spirit?  I can remember the day that I read those words like it was yesterday and today they hurt just the same. It was an email that she had written, and she left it out on the dining room table.  I hard cried, the kind of cry where your shoulders shake, and you can't catch your breathe. I read it over and over thinking that surely, she wasn't talking about me.  Yes, she was, and I truly believe that she meant those words.  How dare she say that, how dare she send it in an email. How dare she leave it on the table. It's like she meant to leave it on the table as a stake through my heart. There are so many questions that I want to ask, why did she think that what did I do.  But all of those words are useless, there will never be any answers to satisfy the hurt. 

Just so so many hurtful things.  When I clean out the rest of her things, I am just throwing things away no need to find anything else.  It has been made very clear, how little that I meant to her. So many blaring examples, and still they hurt.  Crazy that even though she has passed on, her words cut.  I guess that's the thing, I am not sad that she has passed away.  For me the main emotion is relief.  The sad is because I want to want to miss my mom.   I miss all the things that I didn't get, I miss the mom that I didn't have, that is what I miss.  Just a moment, as time passes, I hope the feelings will become less sharp. I hope that good happy things fill the spaces where there is so much pain and hurt. 

I heart your heart. 

Some days

 

Some days are just hard. Just lonely just all the things that you wish they were not. 

The sky is beautiful, the most amazing hue of blue

The trees are beautiful, moving to the breeze

Butterflies trying to find the perfect spot

Birds finding their song with just the right notes

Then there is me in the middle of it all and the tears flow

I can appreciate each of these things and am grateful

I sit on the deck taking in that beautiful sky, 

feeling the trees and hearing the birds

there is such a peaceful appreciation for these things

at the same time the tears fall

I talk about it all the time this deep sad in my soul

it's there all the time no matter what I do 

it's so heavy and is something that just is

It's so heavy that even in the beauty it steals my breath 

I think that as much as I am able to heal 

there will be these slivers of sadness

sometimes they will come as tears 

Sometimes as that ever present ache 

and then days when its so heavy that you have to remind yourself to breathe

Today was just lonely

And there is a huge guilt that follows

The sky is so pretty and the trees so full and green

The birds so happy, the sun so bright and 

still Callahan is sad,

Maybe there will always be days like this

forever and always

I guess if they have to be, what can I do

I just wish that someday I didn't have to do them alone

I want nothing more than to lose this sadness 

as hard as I work, I fear it's just a part of me

Pieces of me that will forever be tender and fragile

So many bruises, so many marks that still hold the pain

I have come so far and this sadness is so deep

It's always there just some days it becomes to vibrant

begging for attention

I don't have time to sit and wallow

I don't want to sit with this sad 

so many things lost in life, and I think aren't I done with that

My heart hurts and I feel the sad in everything

Just one of those some days

I heart your heart

Holidays

 Holidays, Special days I am not a fan of either of them.  Today is Easter and not one person has reached out.  Not one person has said Happy Easter, I hope you have a great day.  It's just another alone day where things are the same. Everyone with their families and I am alone.  I am trying to find my people, I just don't know how, or even where to look. Most people are with their families doing family things. 

Everything about that makes me more than sad. Usually, I am the one that is reaching making sure that people feel seen, making sure that I acknowledge others.  This year there wasn't enough left of me, there was nothing left for me little lone anyone else. So, it was a quiet sad day, wishing that I had people to call my own. It's like this most holidays really, everyone has their own families and I understand that.  It is just when it's you and you have no family things get complicated and cloudy and sometimes very heavy. So today is just one of those sad days.  I told Mariska no Easter baskets yet that is what she did.  That girl, everything was perfect and brought a smile to my face. She even made one for her brother I made them a small backet, she would say everything was great even if it was not.  Vincent left early this morning saying nothing.  When he got home, I told him he had his baskets and nothing they are still sitting on the table untouched. He brought home beautiful flowers but just laid them on the counter no interaction.  No happy Easter mom.  

Then there is the fact that my birthday is coming up and I hate it.  Mariska is already planning and has mentioned taking the day off.  I just want the day to be normal.  I think it's easier that way and less of a chance of being let down.  I am tired of being disappointed.  Not with Mariska she will decorate and do all the things, and I will try to smile and be so excited.  Inside I will just look forward to it being over. I just am in a place where I really cannot add any more disappointment to my plate. I just can't.  It's just me trying to carry everything and I am barely keeping my head above water. I feel like I am trying so hard to be happy and it's not working.  It does feel like there is something innately wrong with me, and I am trying to fight that but it's difficult.  It's a so sad place that I am trying to maneuver.  

I heart your heart