Something else I realized last week was that there is so much to be said for acknowledgment. It seems like such a small thing, but really, it is very big and more than important. In my life, that is something that I have always struggled with. There was no acknowledgment of anything that happened to me, my feelings, or who I was as a person in the house I grew up in. Not only that, but even later in life, the things that have mattered to me were often not acknowledged. Those things have very long-lasting impacts. So when things are acknowledged, it is those aha moments like it's ok that those things happened. It's a breath of air for the things that have been under lock and key that haven't received air for a long time. Of if they have by some chance gotten a little air, it was never known to anyone. I was talking about my very first Grad school class last week. My very first professor and the difference that he made for me. Oh, he was often unorganized; he said things and then forgot. But he is a professor, that made a difference. He saw me and acknowledged what I was saying.
We were talking about different clientele and the people that we would serve. I adamantly said that I would never work with offenders; that was not my area, and I was ok with that. He said things that made me think so gently and so kindly. After class, we started talking, and I don't even know what was said. But he said you have experience with that. I am pretty sure that I was in shock; I said yes, and the tears started flowing. I didn't have to say a word, and he knew. That acknowledgment was everything. And he said to do some research on wounded healers. I told him that I would, and I did. I emailed him my research, but I never heard back, but the fact that he saw me and acknowledged the pain was everything. Dr. Asante, those moments meant the world, and I will never forget them. I am truly grateful.
Then this semester I am very careful I don't want my story to be the topis of conversation or a part of the class. There are things that I would sometimes like to share that are making the counselor that I am going to be. There are moments in class when my experiences are very relevant to the things that we are discussing. I hear her words loud and clear, we are not to speak about our stories, there is a very strong feeling that she is more than uncomfortable. Instead of that acknowledgment, there is a fear and it is pushed away. In a grad class, talking about hard things, and my hard things are not even acknowledged. It makes me think that maybe those stories, maybe my story is just to close to handle. It makes me sad. I respect her so very much, and the passion for teaching is something I have never experienced; when something like this occurs, I find myself shrinking that somehow, once again, my story doesn't matter. I get the feeling that my story scares her, and it should not.
Two totally different reactions. Dr.Asante was able to see that my story made me stronger and acknowledged that. Dr. Monsour made me feel like I had no right to share; my story was something not to be discussed. Little did they know, I felt powerful and heard with him and small and weak in the latter.
That makes me more than sad; I have worked so hard to acknowledge the things that have happened and not see myself as all the ugly things I have said, and in a split second, all of those things come rushing back. My story does not make me weak; my story makes me the strong person that I am today. If I were to mention anything, it would be for the good of the class as a counselor in training, not as a survivor trying to process what has happened. There was a day when I would not have known the difference but I do today. When I share, it's not from my bleeding heart but from the parts that have healed. Do I have a long way to go, of coarse. Have I come a really long way? Yes. And all the hard work that I have done has brought me here, and I will be the therapist that I am because of my story.
I heart your heart. Dr.Asante, someday, I will tell you just what those moments meant for me. I am truly grateful.