Her Things, Still Heavy

 

Cleaning out after someone has passed is never an easy task. it's heavy oh so heavy. When that person has hurt you so badly, it adds an extra level of sadness that things weren't different. She was my mom and i wanted so much more. I want to be able to look fondly at her things, thinking of the good memories and warm moments. For me, that just isn't the case, and it makes me very sad. Part of me wants to throw everything away. And there's another part that just doesn't understand why she hated me so very much. So many of the things were things I gave her, and what do I do with them? Her desk, oh she loved that desk. It's not me; I don't want it. What do I do? I don't like the pictures of the turtles and the boats! Do I put them in what used to be her room? Do I give them away to make room for the things that are me, that make my heart happy? I don't know. I am trying not to view things from my hurt heart, but there is no other way, at least not right now. 

Mariska and I were in the upstairs living room all day yesterday cleaning out and making things ours again.  It felt more than good and more than sad. We went into her room for atime to see where things would go, what room there was and I quickly realized that rome was not built in a day and that I didn't want to be in what used to be her speace. The things that I had gotten for her, the things that were on the wall.  It felt like I was in some kind of time warp, with scenes and memories all playing out at the same time.  I felt the tears coming and decided that I was going to tackle her room on another day. After all this time, what I think should be easy is just as hard as right after she passed.  Mariska and I laughed a lot and made things fun.  There was a lot of furniture moving and throwing things away.  I took down many of the things that were her, and nothing that I was or stood for.  There were some quiet moments, reflecting on where things went so wrong.  Mariska made the comment once that she wasn't born with the right gentalie to be loved.  That made me sad she knew that boys were a favorite. There were moments, that we remembered and talked about our thoughts and feelings. Some of the things that she said broke my heart. She was so unkind to her, and that killed me. She even said that she missed her cat Dorothy, and didn't really miss her at all. That was heart wrenching you are suppossed to mis your grandmother, the only grandparent in her life, but yet she missed her cat. There were a lot of moments like that. I tried not to go through a lot of things and just simply knew that they wee not mine and threw them away.  There were many things that I am sure there was a smirk as I threw them in the trash box. There was one picture imparticular that I tore to shreads. A night when it all about her, and I cried to my brother trying to get him to understand all that was going on in the house, he was unable and unwilling to listen. I remember it so well, I was heartbroken and there was no one to help. She was quite proud of herself, as warrented but I didn't have to get trampled in the process. Such a crazy time.  I tore it one way and then the other then again and again until there was nothing but morsels in my hand. 

It was a long but productive day. We brought some of the things to give away and went back upstairs and couldn not believe the progress.  It felt lighter, it felt more like ours than it had in forever. We have decided to decorate the walls with all different kinds of birds which I think is perfect and so fitting. It's an amazing feeling when a space feels like comfort. It is so open and welcoming, nothing like it was before. 

I have never felt so free.  I am lonesome, and I get so sad, because of the life that i have lived, but goodness I have come such a long way and I am finally doing what makes my heart happy. I have a long way to go and i may always have a long way to go but I am creating a space that feels good for Mariska and I.  We both keep talking about how awesome it looks and that we can't wait to finish. My house and another beautiful room in the making, my heart is full.  This is my house and no one can make me feel unwanted in my own home ever again. That is progress. I have a home. 

Blue October : Home 

I heart your heart. 

Lonesomeness

 I saw this today, and my tears started to swell. I had never seen this word before, but it's so fitting. I think sometimes that I live in that state. I have always lived there; it might even be my go-to. I do have a few people in my life, the constant the forever's, but there is a sense that I will forever be lonesome. Maybe it's the things I have experienced; maybe it's how I was raised. Maybe this is just a time for me to realize how far I have come and be sad about the things that have broken my heart. Over and over, I think I was just a girl who was 13 years old, and that is not very old at all.  I seem to be focused lately so much on the First rape by Don. It seems that the pictures are clearer, and it makes me sad. I was not the woman that I thought I was. I was not an adult; I was just a girl who wanted to be loved and cared for. 

I feel like I'm in this loop, replaying the smallest details of that one day, trying to give it some kind of understanding or some peace. I don't know if there is any. I feel like it should not be affecting me the way that it is. I should not be so upset; it was lifetimes ago, and yet these last few weeks, there have been days when it feels so present. I think I have realized that a young, innocent girl is right in the middle of everything in grad school, wanting to be heard and understood. I find research articles and think that for certain topics to be on others' minds as well as mine gives me a certain comfort. 

They say that there is a story behind every counselor, and I think that could not be truer. We all have stories, and I have mine. Mine just feels exceptionally heavy these days. This semester at school is a heavy semester.  I still know that I am on the right path; I am where I am meant to be. There are just a lot of realizations that hurt. This is just one of those times when it's hard to separate the person that I am from the counselor in training. Because Spunky, that girl that I was, is in the middle of everything and struggling to be free. There are a lot of realizations that things should have been so different. I have run from her my entire life, and for once, not running is just plain painful. I have never sat with her, the pain or the realization of her truth. Everything was always her fault; she did this and that and then this, and it was always her fault. But nothing is her fault, even the dancing, the wanting to be included and cared for. None of those things are things that any other normal 13-year-old girl wouldn't want. 

I found an article talking about weight and Rape. I think there was a moment when reading that sucked all of the air out of the room. Everyone told me I was the chubby unpopular kid who would want to do that to me. That has stuck with me after all this time; each time I think about it, I can hear the words and feel myself shrinking; oh, right, who would want to do that to me. It's a constant fight. 

I feel so alone in my bones lately, and it is heavy and very strong. I need to speak with others who understand. How is it that I can work so hard to heal little Callahan and struggle so much with Spunky? I know these things, and she still seems so different from me. She is closer than ever and still feels very far away. Just hurt beyond imagination, still scared of the world. The work that I am doing now is for her so she can someday find some peace; she deserves to rest forever.  She needs so much kindness, maybe that is why I think she will always be in a place far away, then there is a certain reassurance that she can never be hurt again. She wouldn't make it.  If she is alone, then I can guarantee that. Maybe someday it won't be like that, I have to hope.  

There is a need to connect with other moms like me. Being a mom right now is very lonely, and I don't know what to do. I feel like Vincent hates me, and I just want to understand why. What are his thoughts? What is he thinking? But he doesn't even want to be in the same room. So much so that I wonder if all those things are because of me. I want to talk to other moms who have been raped and have their children.  What are their thoughts and experiences? I have never met another mom like me. Do they have support,  do they struggle with making each and every life decision. I don't know, but lately, that seems to be weighing heavy on my heart. Was I treating him different because of what happened, I have worked so hard not to, but maybe did I do something unintentionally?  I just don't know. Another area where lonesome is the only word that fits. Others can't understand what it's like and all that we have to carry. Another step in the process of healing, but my heart is so tired. Just a time of lonesomeness, I will be ok I always am, but it's an insurmountable load to carry. 

I heart your heart. 

Celebrations make for disappoints

 

I am not one to celebrate, really. Little things, big things, for me, are all just invitations to disappointment, and that's a no-thanks for me. There is enough disappointment in the world without me making a big deal out of things that are no big deal at all. I think that I am a person who finds joy and light in the little moments. The little bird, the dog talking a walk.  My students when they smile and are proud of their accomplishments. Those are the little things that make my heart happy. 

The big things have been filled with such great sadness and disappointment that it's better just not to celebrate those things. As far back as I can remember, life celebrations were nothing of a celebration for me, and that just made me even more sad. So, if I try not to celebrate and ignore the successes, then somehow, that will ease things in this life of mine.     

Birthdays for one. I hate them. I hate the celebrations; I hate it all. As far back as I can remember, they were never a moment of celebration but a reminder of the aloneness that I have always felt. I can remember a few parties that no one came to. I was invited to a few, but I felt like an outsider, and I can remember being so excited and getting on a recliner and breaking one of the girl's presents. Amazing, all these years later, the memories still stick. 

My high school graduation. I hated every single second. I hated what I wore, I hated the ceremony, and I hated even being there. It didn't feel like an accomplishment; I am not sure that I felt anything. The disappointment came after when my father had an imagined panic attack and made everything all about him. I can remember feeling so sad and walking back to the car alone. No friends were by my side, and my parents and relatives all surrounded my father. I was left alone. That was my graduation experience. 

When  I was pregnant with the kids. Even at work when they decorated my desk, and I was given some gifts. It was an experience that I didn't have words for because I felt all the whispers in the background, and that clouded everything. When people asked me what I needed, I didn't know what to say and usually said nothing. I guess as a first-time mom, you don't even know what you need. I wasn't being stuck up or snobbish when I said I didn't need anything. It was just the fact that I didn't have a clue where to start.   The things that meant the most were the blankets, one pink and one blue, that an older lady made. 

Celebrations were never about me; I never felt valued or special. Even my college graduation.  I was so excited for James to be there, but then there was all the added drama with my family, and it just took away from the day. When you leave the stadium, it's a madhouse, so trying to connect with everyone is close to impossible.  My mother and brother were there, but they said that I was ignoring them when all I did was come out the same door as every other graduate. The entire situation was uncomfortable from beginning to end. We stood there, none of us having words. No one knew what to say and then they left. I am glad I got my picture with my children, with James, with DJ. There isn't a single picture of my mom or my brother. That is more than sad; my mom is gone, and my brother doesn't speak to me anymore.  Even the celebration the next day was full of drama.  Things felt off; I was uncomfortable and wanted it all to be over. I felt like I had done something wrong wanting to celebrate with the ones who helped me. I felt like the cat that ate the canary.  Let me be quietly proud of myself; I don't care what the world thinks of me. It was such a rough time with my mom; she wasn't supportive or kind, and everything felt forced. I just wanted to be; it had taken me so long to get to this moment. Moments I can never ever get back. Just utter disappointment.  

My teacher of the year celebration. That, really, there was nothing to be celebrated. Once again, there were no pictures. They sent the CT guy in to take my picture, and it was terrible. I hated everything about it. I hated every single moment. My people were there at the celebration, and that meant the world. As a whole, once again, I was unable to find any joy. My clothes didn't fit right, my shirt was too big, my shoes were terrible, and I felt completely out of place. It just wasn't the place for me. 

Just so much disappointment, even all the things that should have been amazing. So, for me, it's better to quietly smile, hold my heart, and be grateful. Because all of these things bring an insane amount of disappointment, and that is the last thing that I need more of in this world. 

I heart your heart. 

I will never

 
There is a heaviness in the air about the things that I will never have. So many things were taken before I knew that they were mine. There are so many things that I will never experience, never have, and never hold, and there is a deep loss in that. I have lost so much in this lifetime, and there are days that it hits harder than I would like to admit. I am tired of doing everything on my own. I am tired of having to make every single decision. Everything in this life falls on my shoulders alone, and today, I am doing the best that I can, trying to find some kind of something that makes me feel less broken. So here I am, trying to find the words that are streaming from my eyes. Maybe this is just leftover feelings from Valentine's; maybe it's all the things that the Superbowl brought to the surface. Maybe it's just my tired heart longing for answers that I know I will never find. I am so heavy with heartbreak, and there is not a thing in the world that can take it away. So many things that need my attention, so many things that there are no answers for. One of those posts that is just my heart trying to make sense of things that there is no sense for. I know that there are words somewhere that fit. I know that there is a picture somewhere in the world that would make me feel less alone. I don't have time to find the picture or the words; the stairs are waiting, and the list of to-do's is growing. The anxiety is heavy in my chest, and trying to breathe isn't making it feel any better. So I keep going; tomorrow will be better, and tomorrow things will make more sense. Tomorrow, things won't seem so lonely for all the things I will never do.  

I heart your heart 

Good Thing for Tomorrow's

 Sometimes, I am still blown away by the little things that still effect me. Today is Valentine's Day, and I have been on the verge of tears almost all day. It's a little bit of everything and then nothing all at the same time. Work was not a fun place. The team leader is like a wrecking ball, and I am everything opposite. She is young, and it's like everyone should do things the way she does and think how she does.  I do not, and that often proves to be very difficult. I repeat to myself so many times in one day, one more year, one more year, one more year. I look at the kids and remind myself I do it for them.  Today was just that straw that broke me, making me feel weak and useless. With everything else going on, today was just a lot, more than I imagined or thought it would be.  She makes me feel small and insignificant and that I don't know what I am doing.  I do know what I am doing, but we go about things very differently, and she hasn't learned yet that,that isn't a bad thing so that is really hard. Today was a hard day for me anyway this year, and then add a wrecking ball, and I was not okay. It was one thing after another after another. No matter what I did, I felt like it wasn't enough and I was doing things all wrong. 

A parent came saying that they hadn't gotten any communication from me. When I showed her that emails had been sent, she blew it off, wanting to add her husband. When one of my students had their Valentine's box, one of the paraprofessionals argued that it wasn't his over and over. There was an entire mess this morning with the team lead wanting things done her way.  It just seemed like things were thrown at me all day, and by the end of the day, I was no longer able to dodge any more negatives, and the tears flowed. 

For me personally, this day was more difficult than it had been in some time. I am working really hard to heal Spunky, and today is one of those touchy days. I woke up feeling the weight of the day, and it just never left. It's got worse as the day went on, actually. I honestly just want to go upstairs and go to bed, cry until there are no more tears, and fall asleep.  The night of the 8th grade Valentine dance, the first rape.  I should have been at that dance, being 13 and having fun.  I should have been at that dance, doing all the girl things that 13-year-old girls do. Those were not things that were meant for me. 

I look around me in my library with all of my favorite things, favorite sayings, and things that make my heart happy, and I can see just how far I have come. There is this thinking that I should not be sad at that time. Look at where I am today in this moment.  But I think there is a part of me that says, look at where you are and just imagine where you would be if all of those things had not been a part of your life. Such a double bind.  My heart feels crushed, my mind is spinning, and this tiredness comes from all the fighting just to pretend that everything is fine. 

I know I will be fine, I always am, but in this moment that just doesn't make me feel better. Good thing for Tomorrow's Yes, good thing for Tomorrow's. 

I heart your heart. 

I imagine

 

I imagine a girl of 13 excited about Valentine's Day. She thinks of being important to someone, of someday receiving flowers and candy, and of, well, I don't know all the things that a normal 13-year-old girl would want. Because all the normal things in life were things that I never got to experience, I was on the exact opposite continuum of what a normal 13-year-old girl would like. I was scared and alone in the world. I was something other than.  I was different and didn't really fit anywhere. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in; I could never connect or understand the girls my age who were playing with make-up and fixing their hair. Girls my age were a bit loud, always talking about boys. I wanted nothing to do with being seen; I didn't want to bring attention to myself; I just wanted to be me. I just never had the chance to do normal girl things.  Sleepovers, friends, and parties were things for other girls. 

At this Christian Youth Weekend, I was shown attention, seen, and felt special. I had those butterflies that everyone talks about. A cute boy saw me, danced with me, and made me laugh. At Mass on Sunday, he smiled and winked at me as he walked the cross down the aisle behind the priest.  For a time, there was no one else in the sanctuary. I was so excited.  I never imagined that his intent was not innocent and kind. I had no idea that he was unkind.  He was cruel.  He saw that sign on my head, and I became his target. 

It was months later, around Valentine's Day when he came. It was the night of the school dance, and of course, that was something for the pretty girls, the popular girls. I was neither of those things and  was at home alone. I am sure that my brother was at a friend's house, as he always was.  My parents, well, I am not sure, probably something with the church.  Which left me. I think that the movie Great Balls of Fire was on TV. I was half watching, half not, probably playing with my pets, but I don't know where they went once he came. I was pretty used to being on my own. There was a knock at the door. It was dark, and I should have known, but I answered the door. It was Don.  For a second those butterflies were there like I had just seen him yesterday. They didn't last long. He was not the same guy that I had met that weekend months before. He had made his way into the house; I think I was stunned and in shock.  There are a lot of things that I don't remember.  I remember his roughness, I remember feeling this panic, I wasn't safe. He started kissing me so roughly, and within seconds, I knew he had come to do what had been done my entire life.  His hands were everywhere; the more I pushed him away, the rougher he got. He pushed me to the ground; I tried to fight for a time, but I knew he was bigger and stronger. I sit here writing and can see the pictures, the entryway.  He wasn't worried for a second and didn't ask if anyone was home. He knocked on that door with a plan.  Once he had me pinned to the floor, it was all over. The fight in me left, I can remember the tears rolling down my face; I didn't understand.  He raped me, and I was left feeling like I was at fault. I had kissed him right before, we left that weekend, somehow I had asked for this. So many feelings that I don't have words for when your body is being violated; you feel everything and nothing. I knew what he was doing and felt so disgusting. I hated being a girl and hated my body.

I looked away and focused on the pattern of the shelf in the hall, my hand palm up. I traced the pattern of the floor over and over until he was done. He left me there, and I did what I was taught to do.  I was always the clean-up specialist. Clean up and pretend that everything is fine. Pick your heart up off the floor and try to put it back in your chest, Afterall you asked for this, you were the one who danced with him.  Even kissing him before leaving saying that you would see each other again. I never imagined this when I said that.  There was never a thought to say a word, never a thought to ask for help.  Telling was not even an option that was ever considered. This is what happened the night of the Valentine's dance. A girl trying to collect herself in the aftermath of another brutal assault. This is what I was good for. 

So, for me, Valentine's Day is not about love and being cared for. It's about Violence and pain. Some years, this seems far away, but this year, it feels closer than ever. That sweet girl who just wanted to be seen. Even loved. I often imagine how different things would have been if we had never gone on that stupid weekend and I had never met Don. I wonder if I would be married, if I would be further in my career. I wonder how I wonder just how different things could have been for me. I am not that girl anymore.  I have learned to be kinder with my words and take that blame, but some days it is harder than others. I have tried to be kinder to that spunky girl who was just a 13-year-old girl doing what 13-year-old girls do. I wasn't a slut, and I didn't ask for it. I didn't want what happened to me, and it didn't matter if I opened the door or not. It never should have ever happened. I feel more now than I ever have, and someday soon, I will cry the tears I never cried and free her from all that isn't hers to carry. 

I heart your heart. 

Superbowl 2025

 

I'm kind of shocked that this day still stings. I woke up this morning with crazy dreams that were unsettling but kind of normal for me. Oh yeah, it's that stupid football game that is on today. After all this time, there is a sting more like the sting of an entire swarm.  I was folding the laundry from the week, Mariska was doing the socks, and I said something; I don't even remember what it was, but she laughed at me.  Just like that, all the blood drained from my face, my arms got heavy, and my heart sank.  She was laughing at me, and it was like I hit a break wall.  There are far too many Superbowls that I have been laughed at and made fun of. The tears started and I could tell she didn't have a clue, she said she was sorry. I brushed it off and quickly went into the other room to try and remember to breathe. This moment had nothing to do with what I had said or Mariska's reaction. It was just old wounds, a scab being ripped off that felt more like a stabbed heart than a little laugh. it still hurts like it did then.  Reminders of all the ways that you don't belong that you are less than. Reminders that you were around because they only felt bad for you; you were not there as a friend or important person. Just another body in the crowd.  

The first one was a party that we were invited to, the kids and I. I am sure we were only invited because we all attended the same church. I thought I belonged, but I got there and just felt out of place. Everyone was asked to bring something. I found these awesome cupcakes and spent my last 20 dollars to bring them.  I was just a sub and finishing up school. There was no extra money. They had said that they were getting pizza, and everyone could give money towards that. So of course there was no money so we didn't eat any of the pizza.  The kids ate what was brought, but they just stayed away from the pizza. After not really fitting in and being out of place, we were getting to leave. And he comes up to me asking for money. I could have burst into tears. There was no money, little did he know I told my kids not to eat any because of that. So I went to my wallet and gave him the last bit of cash that I had. I felt like dirt. It was the worst feeling in the world. I was heartbroken.  Not only didn't I fit in with that group of people, but my last money was also taken for something my children didn't even get to eat.  I cried all the way home, my children not understanding where the tears were coming from. 

Another was when I was laughed at.  I don't like big crowds and a lot of people. I am just more comfortable in smaller gatherings. Well, this is when we didn't have a place to live and were living with someone else. So she came up to me, laughing in my face, letting me know that lots of people were coming and I would probably want to be somewhere else. My kids and I didn't have a place to call our own, and we once again were not wanted. I was laughed at.  Like mouth wide open, cackling in my face because I didn't like something. I was being made fun of and laughed at.  I cried and called someone, asking what they were doing.  I ended up going to someone's house. It was fine, but I was just another piece of the wall. Again, it was with church people.  I should have known I didn't belong there but I so badly wanted to belong somewhere. 

I guess all that is to say that today, I am in my own home, peaceful, reflective, and working on what matters most. The laundry is going, and I am doing homework. It will always amaze me that those things still hurt so much. Goodness, I so wanted to just be and belong somewhere, but those things weren't meant for me. I am not saying that I will never attend another Super Bowl party if asked.  If I had the right people, I might make it work.  But please, people, take care of each other and be vigilant about a person's situation and how they are doing.  You can make or break a person by your words and actions. Just be careful.  Don't let your actions today be the reason why someone years later is still hurting.  

I heart your heart.