I Forgive YOU

                                                                       Sia : I forgive you 

 Oh, my heart.   I cannot even tell you the number of times that I have listened to this song in the last 24 hours. I am a person that doesn't just listen to a song, but I hear it, and I feel it.  I feel the words and the music in the deepest parts of who I am.  I heard this song and right away I thought of who it was for, and I felt a sense of freedom, and got a sense of peace.  I did what was right for me.   It is everything. I am often the one left in relationships.  Better things come along, and I am left.  I get used to that, almost expecting it.  And just this last year, I learned to stick up for myself and made a decision that was best for my own heart. This process has been quite the journey. Starting so many years earlier. Piece by piece I was letting go, slowly slowly more and more. I have to admit that each step was worse than the one before. My heart is still broken, and I don't think that I will ever understand. They will always have a piece of my heart. Maybe someday there will be a conversation, maybe but today I know that the friendship, the love just wasn't meant for me. I think there was a time that the love and care went both ways, but gradually, I became less and less important and I felt like I was just a burden. I was just a girl who took too much time and space. It's so hard to explain. Even when I knew that things weren't the same I held on to these people for dear life.  When people become my people, it's that way for life. I would do anything for them, it's for always. For a time, it went both ways until it didn't. I spent holidays with them, sat with them as their parent was in the hospital.  I cared for their children and loved them with all that I was. In the end all that I had wasn't enough.  Today for the first time in forever, I realized that ; that has to be ok.  I can be grateful that I had them while I did. I can still love all the good things. I can also acknowledge all the pain that was experienced.  I forgive them for the hurt they caused my heart and soul. I will never understand how someone can say the words I love you then write them off and remind them just how much time that you spent on them. I will never understand telling someone you love them then there being no acknowledgement at all.  I will never understand.  My heart is grateful, that once I had them and they were a part of my world.  My heart also holds an overflowing amount of sadness because of how I was left and forgotten.

The story started when I found James. He was my counselor, who became a friend. He was there when I had no one.  He was there, he held my hand and my heart as I was healing. He was everything that I needed he took me under his wing and made sure that I was safe and sound. He would answer my emails listening to my heart.  He was the kindest kind of kind that I always needed. He was in the play at Christmas, and I can remember him waving and I felt seen.  For someone like me that means everything.  I became a part of his church, I grew to know his wife, and I became a part of their life group.  I had never had someone know my heart so well and care for me.  Then they moved to Colorado.  I was devasted and for a time things were the same.  I would get to see them when they came back to Texas.  I was invited to their home and they felt more like family than I had ever known. There were my people, they were my safe place. 

I had moved out of my mother's house and moved in with Catrina.   It was a safe place away from my mother.  And this is where things started to get tricky.  Catrina didn't really know Amy and James and they weren't really friends. They knew of each other. I can remember Amy asking if she thought Catrina would mind if they had a get together at her house.  Amy would call asking her how it was going me living there. Never once was I asked how things were for me. I was never considered; my thoughts were not asked about. I finally graduated and James even flew here, to get to see me graduate.  That was one of the most special moments ever, looking into a sea of people and seeing your person. That was everything.  The next day at my graduation party, he so gently touched my face and said that he loved me.  Things were changing for me, he was just one of those people that cared for my heart. He was more than important. That next Thanksgiving Amy and James invited me to Colorado for Thanksgiving.  It was always just the kids and I so feeling like we were wanted somewhere was so very important.  We always stayed in contact, I again went there for a summer trip and my heart was full.  I felt like a part of me was in Colorado.  I could relax and just be, no judgement just a sense of peace. I could be totally myself.

So, then I got a real teaching job, and was working on getting on my own two feet.  I was watching Catrina's son, Truman a lot. There were a few work trips but there was also a lot of fun weekends away, and it was a lot.  Things had changed from when I first moved in with her. In the beginning I was pretty dependent on her. I was finishing my degree, and was just a substitute.  There was not the pressure of a full time job yet.  It was enough caring for my own two children, but it was often expected to care for her son. She always said let me know if it's too much, let me know if you need help.  She was out of town I took care of him.  Then she started dating, men came over. There were times that it was more than uncomfortable. For me it was a safety issue. It had become a very different situation.  One weekend she planned a trip, the kids didn't have school, I did.  She always said to ask for help when I needed it, so the one time I asked for help.  It didn't go well at all. He had some church thing Sunday night, then the following day I was expected to drop him off at someone's house.  I just asked if that person could pick him up.  Time wise for me getting to work, it was too much. Not even 2 weeks later we were asked to move out. There had been things happening, she took the leaf out of the table, we were no longer welcomed.  She had men over and I wasn't even a thought.  I was laughed at because of personal things that affected me. Yet no one asked how I was. Often, I felt like the leech, that wasn't wanted. So, when she asked us to leave I found a place and within 2 weeks we were out. That also didn't make her happy. She offered her truck for us to use when i said no thank you, she slammed the door.  She wanted us out on her terms, She was done and I made my own safe place for my family. She offered us a broken couch; I said no thank you and she said, "Well you have to start somewhere I am throwing it away."  Like all I was worth was her broken couch. I was crushed. She did give us some things and I am grateful, but we were no longer welcomed, I had gotten stronger and spoke up when I needed something, and it blew up in my face.  Amy called me and instead of asking how I was she made excuses for Cartina.  Never hearing the things that I experienced, never caring to learn how I had been treated.  I was crushed and told her to stop.  Amy made the excuse that I just wasn't ready to hear her yet.  No, I wasn't ready to hear because no one had heard me. And that was the beginning of the end.  Things would show up on Facebook and it was always Catrina and Amy and their little group every single time that she came to Texas. I was never contacted EVER. Not once was I included or welcomed. I was not their person. I knew my people were slipping away. Each time I saw a post I was more heartbroken than the last time and yet no one cared to ask about my heart. In my head I will never forget the moment when I said something, and Amy said Well you can't be everyone's friend.  And after this I realized, exactly what she meant. 

I would still every now and then email James just asking for support of advice.  I wrote to him asking about Vincent and something else.  I got a reply back, saying that church was the only thing that was going to fix anything. I was more than hurt.  He knew me better than anyone, and to throw that at me wasn't fair or appropriate for the situation.  I had been more hurt by the church than anyone ever should be. That somehow Church was the only thing that was going to heal me or make me feel better, made me feel less than human.  I let it sit for a few days.  I was crushed he knew my experiences with church and God, and I didn't understand his response. I thought that our relationship was a safe place to be honest.  So, I wrote back and told him that I missed the days when he didn't push religion, because he knew just how hard it was for me.  And the answer I got back crushed me on a soul level. He reminded me of all the time that he had spent on me.  The hours and hours and when that was thrown in my face, I was done.    His response was unfair and the unkindest response a person could get.  I didn't deserve it being thrown in my face all the time that he spent on me. I was more than grateful for every second that he helped me heal, every time he held my hand when I felt nothing but gross and disgusting.  Out of no-where none of that mattered anymore. I am more than sorry that I wasted your time. So, I just stepped back. That was the last correspondence that I ever had with him. 

Catrina had very nicely stepped in and no one even noticed that I had disappeared.

Then my mom passed away and there was nothing from James no response, no condolences, nothing and I was done.  How does someone care and say that they love you and not even acknowledge the passing of your mother. He knew how hard that relationship was, and how broken she made me feel. I unfriended him; I realized just how much that things had changed.  When you care about someone you don't break their heart like that. Amy had become more and more distant.  I was always the one reaching out, and I wasn't getting anything genuine back.  I stepped back.  I was tired of all the visits and all the people they saw, and I was just not one of those people.  Fine, if I was not your person but kindness first always.  So, I unfollowed Amy.  And then finally another Dinner with Catrina. Amy made a comment about those being her people and she didn't know what she would do without them.  I was tired of being hurt, tired of feeling like I was replaced and I unfriended her.  I could not be hurt seeing the posts, I was not important, and each post was like a dagger through my heart. Catrina had taken my place, and I was not even a thought. I know that I was never her person, she could have cared differently for my heart. Even if someone isn't your person it is never ok to crush them.  I didn't think twice I had let go. I had to.  It was months before she even noticed.  

Then my birthday came.  And the text message that followed. Did you unfriend me on Facebook? She was sure it was a mistake.  I didn't know how to respond. No, it wasn't a mistake.  I was no longer willing to be a leftover. I responded with life was busy with grad school and working full time.  She was like oh you are going into administration.  That told me right there she had not seen a single thing about my heart and what was going on with teaching, and how I was in Grad school for Clinical mental health.  It was more than sad but at the same time, more reassurance.  I knew I wasn't her person and there was a time that I so wanted to be. She went on telling me all about what the family was doing. I didn't ask. I was not in a place to care my heart was still crushed by so so many things. If she cared the conversation would have been about me , it was my birthday.  There were niceties but it was over.  I was no longer willing to pretend that I mattered. 

 I have been letting go for a long time.  I feel everything and feel it ever so deeply.  I could sense when things started changing and as much as I held on I knew that all the things I once longed for were fading away.  There are so many other little pieces, and scenarios when I knew, but I chose to ignore them wishing for something different.  This is always going to sting. I think this will always make me cry.   When people are that important, that doesn't just go away.  They have hurt me beyond words. As I said, someday maybe there will be a face to face, conversation for no other reason than to share my heart; but not today and not tomorrow.  My heart still needs time and space to heal.  They will forever and always have a place in my heart, that is how I work. I am still grateful for so much.  But I won't allow myself to be an afterthought or be crushed no matter how important they once were. 

I heart your heart. 

Company

 I just want company.  I don't want to do everything on my own.  This morning Mariska was going to get up and there is this crazy viral Christmas decoration that we were going to go get but she decided to stay on her phone.  I was going to go alone, but I do everything alone and I was excited that we were going to go together.  So, forget it.  I just am not going because I don't want to go alone.  I wanted to go together, I wanted to be excited.  

I never get to share my excited, my disappointed, my joy nothing I just have to do it on my own and that just isn't fun.  I don't want to do this life on my own anymore. I want company.  I want someone to go to the store and be excited about Christmas decorations, I want someone to call when something big happens, I want someone that can ask how I am and just be there if I need it.  I want those things, and I don't know how to get them.  It is just me and that gets old.  It has been like this my entire life but today; I want people.  I want someone to go get a tattoo with me.  I want someone to say do the crazy thing that you are thinking.  I want someone just to be with me, just to fucking care what is going on in my world.  I always do the same and I care and ask and make sure that hearts are happy.  But I am no one's person, and I want to be.

How does an adult almost 50-year-old woman find that? I am sitting here crying because I don't have that company and there isn't a thing that I can do. And today I would give anything just to have some company, some care.  Oh well I guess shit happens. I hate when I want things not made for me. I am not going to beg and plead.  Too many things to clean up today I just need to stay busy so that I don't have to think.  Support system yea that is funny, but why do I desperately have the need for one.  I have people in places for moments then they are gone and again I am left.  If there is a forever out there, I would really really like them in my life just to share me with, the little things the big things the things that make me ME.  My heart hurts, I don't understand why I have never found that.  And why it has never found me. 

More than sometimes in the Quiet

 

More than sometimes in the quiet, I am the saddest of sad.  I smile and say I am fine but under it all I am the saddest of the saddest that you could even imagine.  I get really frustrated because for the most part others don't have a clue.  Sometimes I think I am so transparent and think why don't know?  How can they not see but they don't.  Maybe it's because I smile, because it's a new day because I know my littles need me. More often than not there is a kind of sadness that I think just comes from living the life I have lived.  It comes from all the healing I have done and the healing I have yet to do. Maybe just that ever-present fear that in a split second the rug could be pulled out from under me all over again. 

In the quiet I feel that huge gaping hole to my core.  I haven't figured out the right words yet, that make it fall into place and make sense, it is just there.  Sometimes quiet, sometimes raging but always present.  It's such a lonely feeling, because it's just something that is.  I can remember going to the Dr once and telling him about the sad and asking if medicine would be helpful and he said Well we know where the sad is coming from so somehow medicine wasn't going to make it any better.  Those words have always stuck with me.  I have to admit I wanted a magic fix; I wanted something that was going to take all the pain away and make me happy.  There is no magic fix, there is no magic pill that is going to make me feel normal.  

I can tell you that the most Normal that I have ever felt was when I went to that Rave right before my father's case went to trial.  That was the most normal that I have ever felt, in my entire life.  I felt like I was present in the moment.  I wasn't for a second afraid, and that in itself was the freest that a person can feel.  I felt like my fear that I hold every second of every day just disappeared and that opened a new world for me.  Maybe this is just the sad of an in-between time. I have been able to heal that little 5-year-old part of me.  And I am working to heal that terrified, 13-year-old part that is scared of her own shadow.   

More than sometimes in the quiet the sadness is just more than heavy. And some days I feel it all and then some.  I think that it is just one of those days, when it feels extra heavy.  Tomorrow will be lighter tomorrow won't be so hard and maybe just maybe I can find sprinkles of happy remembering how far that I have come. I heart your heart.

God

 

I know what a title.  There are so many thoughts lately regarding God and religion. I have read back on different posts when I so badly wanted to fit in with "Church " people.  I wanted to be a part of their group and I just never did fit in. I wrote about different scriptures thinking that maybe maybe it would mean something to me if I just believed enough.  I didn't believe like they did, but I so badly wanted to. I wanted to fit in somewhere, anywhere. I had way to many questions. For a long time, I thought that there was something wrong with me, because I didn't have those same thoughts that they did. I tried more than hard to be something that I was not. All the words and the promises never felt right.  I guess when you pray to God to die at 5, it changes you on a level that many don't understand. 

I think it all came up again because in my diversity class there was a discussion on religion and spirituality.  The question was asked, what role does that play in therapy.  For a few it did play a role and for others it was seen as everything. The end all be all if a person wanted to heal. That if one didn't believe then they were not going to be successful in therapy.  Many were unable to see the other side, and truly believed that religion and god were of the utmost importance. It was a necessity in the healing process.  I think sometimes because I am so far removed from all of that, that i forget that there are still people who place such great importance on god and religion.  

I am finally at a place where I am comfortable.  I do not believe in god, and I am not ashamed to say that or afraid of any repercussions.  Where I have come from in this life, there has just been me.  In my class I wrote my response wide open that I do not believe but a client has every right to have their own beliefs, thoughts and views.  I am good with what works for me, and I hope that your heart is happy with what works for you. I am not less of a person for not believing and you are not better than me because you do. My heart has been more than broken by it all.  Church, religion, god all of it has caused so much pain. 

There has just been too much damage for me.  Having to pretend to be this perfect family, bringing the communion to the alter.  Praying to God to die at 4.  I can see it all so clear having to hold hands and say our prayers.  Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the lord my soul to keep.  I would beg just not to wake up in the morning. I was 5 years old, that just isn't ok. I would see all the men that raped me receive communion and think this is nothing that I ever want to be a part of.  Albert, my father, later on the others.  All church going men that took parts of me that were never theirs. Those men that ruined so much.  I had people tell me that I should forgive, I had people tell me that my father would be heaven.  I vividly remember laughing, because if he was going to be there, in heaven then I wanted nothing to do with any of it. There was the pastor that my mother knew who while talking to my mother, said that i should have kept my legs closed.  There was the women that I basically begged to be a mentor for me, who then ignored me.  Then later said that I was where I was because of god and everything that he had done for me.    I responded and told her no, that I was where I was because I fought for myself with all that I had.  Then was unfriended by more than one person, I guess they didn't like my views.  

For people who believe in god and that works for them, I am so glad you have that to hold onto.  But I am not less of a human for not believing like you do.  I am not less of a human because i believe that somewhere inside of me there is a life force that refuses to let me give up and has kept me alive all these years.  I believe in the trees that helped me survive, the gentle breeze I was able to feel among the violence. I believe in the little birds that visit when I am all alone in the world.  Those are the real and true things that are there for me in my every day.  The things that fill my soul and heal this heart.  I believe in kindness; I believe in heart, and I believe in being a good person simply because it's the right thing to do.  I believe in dandelion wishes and 11:11. I believe in good people and kind hearts.  I believe that this world is one small piece of all that there is, and I do everything I can to make it a beautiful place for everyone. 

I heart your heart. 

She never did anything Wrong

 Maybe this is it.  I am more than grateful for all that I have and there are often times that the sad seems to win.  This sadness that seems as vast as the ocean, sometimes swallows me whole.  All the good things and yet I am drowning. I am doing all the things heading in the right direction and in the quiet moments this rush of despair, so much stronger than sad. It seems to come out of the blue. Spunky is there in all of her sadness looking for something to take even a small piece of the pain away.  I am working so hard trying to understand and connect with her and it's such a long hard process.  There is still a sense that she is other than and I want that to change so much.  I think that there are parts of her that will never heal.  It's devastating saying that, but I feel it in my bones.  She will smile again I will make sure, but there are pieces so untouchable.  There are pieces so wounded that to keep them where they are is best for everyone.  To be treated less than human for as long as she was, it changes you in ways that there are no words for.  It changes things that will forever and always be painful. She never did anything wrong.  She was a girl who wanted kindness.  She wanted to be liked and cared for she wanted to be special and important. She was never any of those things to anyone.  She was a 13-year-old girl alone in a world that chose to look the other way when she was going under in every sense of the word. She didn't ask for much, and was given nothing. 

I have blamed her for everything, for her actions and for those around her. I have called her the worst names and blamed her for not being older and stronger. I have blamed her for not knowing what was never intended for a 13-year-old. Everything was always her fault, Everything. She danced with him, kissed him; even had the desire to be important how dare she be just a girl wanting all the girl things that everyone her same age would want.   At least that is what I told her. All of this is what I needed to believe to make some kind of sense out of the world that we lived in. I have blamed her for all of our lives.  I think there was a quote by tori Amos, saying "you can carry that with you your entire life, and I have smashed that."  I am working on that for that girl who just wanted normal, just wanted to belong somewhere. I am scared of her, of her bravery, her strength, her ability to keep moving when her whole world crashed into millions of tiny pieces.  That girl should be held, and cared for ever so gently, she is coming back from all the things that have tried to destroy her. 

                                                  Alanis Morrissette : That I would be good 

I heart your heart 

Oh Little Callahan

 

Today I found this picture and it reminded me of you.  That once upon a time girl holding the sword is long gone. How free you are.  Your innocence and your heart, absolutely glow in this picture.  You have this spirit that is something other worldly, TRULY.  You are one in a million. I was talking about you this week, about how you used to cry for hours, for days maybe even years. You would hide outside under a tree, inside behind a desk.  You would hide, wanting to be close and not knowing how. You have come such a long way in this cruel world.  I am more than proud of you.  You could have turned cold; you could have let others steal your spirit, but you never did.  You are a warrior a true fighter and I am ever so grateful for you.  I sit here, with a sense of peace you are so free, so happy and truly content.  You don't have a care in the world and I am not sure that I ever imagined this would be the life for you. I look at this picture and I don't see any of the awful that happened to you as a little girl. I do not believe that you will ever forget the tragic things that have happened, but you will not let those things keep you from living.  You have a freedom, and sense of joy that you should have had your entire life.  You have it now, and there is nothing that can ever take that away from you. I am not going to lie this picture melts my heart because it's everything that I ever wanted for you.  Being exactly as you should be, perfect in every way.  Keep looking at those clouds and never stop dreaming.  I think that today, I can finally say that I love and I am ever so grateful that I get to call you mine. 

I heart your heart

She is me and I am still her

 Sometimes it still blows me away how I have organized the abuse that has happened in my life.  How I so clearly have been able to have spunky and little Callahan. How they have held the worst of the worst, so I could survive and somehow keep breathing. I survived the only way that I knew how, and somewhere that has to be ok. I can tell you that I have often felt more than crazy. When you can see parts of yourself so clear, because it's that much easier to put the things that have happened to you onto someone else. The things that a person does to survive the unimaginable. There needs to be more studies on this.  I used to see those parts as so separate. I know they are parts of myself, I know that those parts and pieces are me. I promise one of these days I am going to come up with a good way to explain the process in my head.  As clear as I see my computer screen, I see those parts of me and how they interact in the world. I am not sure that I can come up with a clear explanation, but I just have to try.  Early in my healing work, little Callahan would never be in the counseling office, she was usually hiding, crying and in a place far away. She got closer and closer, finally finding the right counselor, she was in the room hiding behind an art piece of a beautiful golden tree. I worked so hard and for so long to get her to a place where she felt safe and sound.  She is no longer hiding no longer afraid and doesn't have to carry the weight of what happened to me anymore.  I remember so clearly the day that she decided to show up and stand right in front of me, between my counselor and I.  It was a hard moment to explain and yet I can see it so clear.  Finally, she was able to trust and be seen and heard.  That moment was everything and there was a time that I felt like she was lost because I didn't see her anymore.  There was a genuine loss, I missed her.  Soon enough, she came back free as she had ever been.  I see her now and she is that little girl that she never got to be.  She knows what happened, but it doesn't impact her. She no longer feels like she did something wrong.  She has this peace about her, and there is nothing in this world that is going to dim her little spirit.  The things she has survived, she deserves all the greatness that the world has to offer. I think today she is truly getting to experience some of the things that were never afforded to her. 

Then there is Spunky.  She has come a long way and yet I feel like she has lifetimes to catch up on and still has a long way to go.  I think this week I am learning that she is going to do things in her time and at her pace.  You would think she is me and I am her so things would be simple.  I should know by now that none of this is easy or simple. This process would be much quicker, and so much easier if I could just snap my fingers and it all would make sense, but that is not the case.  She has been hurt on a soul level that I think is forever.  She will find a place of freedom, but I truly believe that there will always be a longing that I am not sure anyone can understand. She has a tragic sense of sadness that chills me to my core.  I do not think that there is anything that can make that go away.  She has made incredible strides. There was a time I could have cared less what happened to her.  I have said the unkindest things and if she was 6 feet under, I would have gone on as if nothing was different.  Today I am in a totally different place. I don't want her alone in the darkness she has known her entire life.  I want her here with me in a place where she can heal and find some peace. I want her to feel heard, I want her to feel safe and sound. I want her to experience all the kindnesses that she has never experienced.  I want her to truly feel seen, heard and maybe even loved. I want those things so much for her. I talk about how far that she has come, and I am also terrified. She is finally right in front of the office. She has been resting on the couch. Just resting, her soul is exhausted. I have to believe that she trusts and feels welcomed.  I think that she does or even being on that couch wouldn't be an option.  So, Wednesday I went in for my appointment and I sat on the couch that I see her laying. 

 

This is going to sound so crazy; I was reading a blog that I had written, and I looked over and ever so clear I saw her sitting feet on the floor eyes wide open and she looked at me. Almost transparent, but those eyes. She has such a deep sadness, an ache a longing that is hard to give words too.  To see a part of yourself so clear is both a good thing and also a curse. I know what she has experienced and lived through, and to have her sitting next to me brings all that happened to a different realization and just how close that it is. Still I have to remind myself: She is me and I am still her.   I know there was no person there, I am just such a visual person and to survive there was always little Callahan and spunky, that is just how I managed to survive in the world.  I have freed little Callahan.  And I am working on freeing, Spunky.  

I can tell you that I have never seen her eyes open, she is too ashamed, feels too gross and disgusting. She feels so much less then, everyone else all around unceasingly. She feels guilty taking up space in the world and having any kind of need at all. There is still a darkness in her eyes, a sorrow that is striking. She is afraid, but more willing to trust than she ever has.  She hasn't lived in a good place all of her life. She doesn't even know who she is under all the hurt.  She feels like so much less than all the time no matter what she does.  She struggles with worth because no one stepped up for her, people continued to look the other way when she was begging for help. She has a lot to learn and experience in a place that is safe for her to just be exactly who she is.  I am not sure what is next. I know that things will happen exactly as they need to. As I wait, I continue to work, prepare and look forward to what exactly that will look like when she decides to join me on the couch, ready for what's ahead. I know I will be ready, I have to be, there is not another option.  I have to believe it's going to be different than all the fears that I hold in my head. I have to believe that the healing isn't as bad as the hurt. I have to believe in her and in myself. I have to believe that together we have the help to get us to a place where we can breathe free. Together we can do anything.  She is me and I am still her. 

I heart your heart.