All the turtles are gone

 

So many thoughts, feelings and emotions. She was my mom and things should have been different. In the last week I have cleared my house of every turle. I have posted each and every thing, and each time that another one of her things has left the house, there is a lightness that fills the air. Finding her letter that she wrote as a goodbye to me has affected me more than i would like, and at the same time just gave me a great deal of information.  There was a part of me that felt more than guilty that I didn't miss her, that I didn't wish she wasn't dead. I was glad she wasn't here and relieved that I felt like i could finally breathe free. I had feelings about her passing, the sadness that I felt was for my son and my brother. There was not a single single piece of sadness for myself. My tears for myself were of relief and a sense of freedon. My tears were all the tears that I could never cry with her. My tears came from a relief that I never knew I so desperatly needed. I think that the letter she wrote left me with some questions, that I will never have the ansers for. I wish I knew why she hated me so, the things that were said in that letter were so very hurtful. For her to still have them, that tells me that she meant them, with all of the passion and hate that she wrote them with. Reading her words are heartbreaking, all I ever wanted was a mom who loved me no matter what. I just wanted to be loved for the child, girl and woman that I was. I think the letter that she wrote, toke what little hope tha I had, that maybe I meant something to her. I think that the sadness comes from never having that unconditional love and support. I guess maybe there is some work to do, I don't understand why she hated me so. Even though I was not sad, her words still more than hurt. 

That letter was closure to a chapter that I didn't even realize that I needed.

I heart your heart.