The sharp edges

 

The sharp edges are the things that scare me into silence. The sharp edges are the things that make me less than. Those sharp edges are what my nightmares and flashbacks are made of, and I am terrified that somehow those sharp edges will take all the progress I have made and smash it into millions of tiny pieces.  So many times, I can't even get the words out, but I can when they are far away and there is a purpose for someone else.  When I think of Spunky, all that little girl had to endure, it's on a level that is hard to comprehend. I know she is me, and I am her, but I don't feel like she is a part of me yet. She is something other than which lives outside of me.  Sometimes it feels incredibly strange, talking about her as if she were someone else.  In my brain, that is just what made sense. I know it was me, I know it happened to me. But my brain had to put it all on her for us to survive. The sharp edges are staring me down right now, as if to say, 'Here I am; what are you going to do?' I try so hard to move on, I have come so far, and this feels like a battle that I am not strong enough for sometimes. I say that, and I know I will be okay, but sometimes it just feels so much bigger than me. I often forget how far I have come, and that it's already happened and can't destroy me anymore. However, that fear is still present and very much alive. I don't fully understand it. On the one hand, I know it has already happened; I am still here, still breathing, and I can't be hurt by it anymore. The other part is still terrified by all those little sharp edges that make up that time; that feels crushing. I know it's over, but for that part of me, she is still trying to figure them out. Trying to make sense, wanting to understand.  She would do anything to make it go away. All the things that I know and how far I have come, this is something I just don't know how to do. This part of my story is screaming at me, wanting something, and I am not sure what to give. 

 I have been in this strange place, it's sad and angry, overwhelming, and I feel like it's time that I had an easy button.  Not for long, but just so that I can catch my breath, and then keep going. Maybe this is the time when all that I run from catches up with me and hits me for a few days. I have done nothing today, and it's 5 pm. No homework, no cleaning, nothing but trying not to think. I have cried, done puzzles on my phone, flipped through Facebook, and put things on Netflix that I don't have to think about. These are the days when I wonder if those sharp edges will win.

Just so much hurt, for a girl who just wanted to be 13. Still so much pain for a woman of 50 and all that she missed out on.  She didn't want to be mature; she didn't want to have all the answers. She just wanted to be a girl who was appreciated for being the sweet person she was. Nothing more, nothing less, just to be cared for and thought of. She wanted someone to look at her and think Wow, how lucky am I to know her. There is such a great loneliness right now that it is hard to find words for. I think I have been alone for most of my life, and it's come to a point where I no longer want to be. There are so many things about me to share: the things I am passionate about, the things that excite me, and the dorky side of me, which finds the strength in the smallest things that you would think are so insignificant.  Those are the big things to me. Searching for Amelia's first rainbow was so precious.

A text from Vincent saying he loves me and asks if I need anything. Mariska saying Hello on her break at work.  I worry all the time that the 13-year-old part of me makes me unlovable, and that she won't ever find peace. I am scared to death that those sharp edges will haunt her forever.   She will eventually be beside me; she has to, because I will never stop fighting. But I want her to truly live; I want her to let the things she sees fall away and know that she deserves the best. It was just that those around her couldn't care for and love her the way she needed. Someday, I want someone to love her so fiercely that she will never look back and will know just how truly lovable she is. Someday, Someday. 

I heart your heart.