There have been so very many things on my heart that have been screaming at me and I have politely been wishing them away. Things I don't really want to acknowledge, things I don't want to accept. But today my heart is overflowing and I can't pretend that its not happening and wish it away.
Writing this is hard, I don't want people to feel bad and think Poor Sherri, that's NOT at all what this is, its just where I am. Since I was very young, being forgotten was a way of life, you get used to it really. You fade in all the time and hope that you don't get hurt. You smile and pretend that everything is OK. You do what needs to be done with-out thinking of the cost to you. So for me I am kinda used to being forgotten, I am used to being left out, I am used to being different I am so very used to being weird, I am used to thinking different I am used to not knowing what others around me know. Lately its been blaring at me just how different that things are. There are times my story is too tragic to share, times I can't even get out the words. Times when my past is too unthinkable to share and that makes belonging somewhere more than difficult.
Yesterday driving to school I realized that each day driving to class I am going to pass where my children's father works and that scares me beyond words. I can't share that story or why I am so very afraid and my heart stops terrified that I might see him. I wanted to share part of me with a friend and realized that my story was just so very different, that there wasn't room to share.
The people that I have around me in my life were brought up around the bible. They know the stories and the verses and the history and this faith they trust with their whole heart . Its crazy on Face book these people that are my friends post scripture and can quote the bible and tell stories and I just can't do that. I can't tell you who is who and who was this ones wife is and who the kids were and where and when things happened, I want to understand but I don't its all way to new. Even sometimes I can hear the stories but I don't understand them and can't apply them to anything because I just don't understand. Honestly sometimes, well most of the time its so very confusing for me and and I don't say a word. Even this weekend. Someone was telling a story about Ruth and her mother in law and someone else and they looked at me and were like oh well you already know that story. And I want to scream "NO actually I don't and if you would listen and pay attention you just might know that", but no I politely smile like I always do.
These people that I so love around me are so very far ahead. As much as i hate it, that's the way it is because I don't know and don't understand I do get left behind, I guess the nature of the beast. And with my church being in such turmoil there isn't time, or understanding for someone as far behind as I am. Once upon a time I fit there, but it feels like the rug has been ripped out from under my feet and I am hanging on for dear life but I am not sure that is doing anyone any good.
Its so very scary and so very hard when after 30 something years you find a place where you really belong and really fit and then that rug keeps getting pulled a little more all the time and then you only have a few threads left. I have so many questions and so much doubt and there isn't time for understanding. There isn't time for someone with so much history and so many questions. Oh I wish I didn't have the stories that I do, I wish I understood more than I do and I am trying with all that I am but its not working.
And its realizing my biggest fear with all that is going on that I am going to be forgotten and there just won't be any catching up for me even if I fight with all that I have.
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