So-Long ,Fairwell , auf Wiedersehen !

Wow finally the end of 2012 and I am soooooo very glad, and more than grateful that I made it another year !  What a long hard, difficult, extremely trying year .  There are so many things that I am thankful for, I am truly blessed. The year wasn't all bad but there were things that seemed to stick with me that I just couldn't shake.  I am trying really hard to be thankful for the good things that have happened, for the people that are in my life that are strong and faithful. As this year closes I don't understand the whys of the situation I am in and I sure don't like it.  I have so many many questions about my situation, about my church, about people in my life that just don't have answers and it drives me insane! I like answers and I want them not tomorrow not next week, I kinda need them right now!! I want to know whats next and I want to know that in the end I am going to be OK. 

I NEED to know that in the end everything will turn out exactly the way that it is supposed too!!!!!!  I just don't have faith that is going to happen for me, I don't believe that in the end everything will be as it should be.

Honestly this next year will also be trying.  I will still be living with my mother whose personality has done a complete 180 in the last year. My heart gets trampled often and I am going to let you all know I am going to need you. I am going to need lots of hugs and I am going to smile and tell you I am fine, On the outside I will be but my heart needs lots of reassuring that good things are ahead and that even though I am a mess that you still love me. And as hard as I KNOW this next year is going to be I have to look beyond that. I have to look t the life that I am giving my children.  I have to look to student teaching in the Fall and having an entire classroom full of children to keep safe and to teach.  I am looking forward to creating my very own home for Vincent and Mariska. I am looking forward to the conference about Mariska's genetic disorder in July, I am looking forward to being at the beach in April.  I am looking forward to meet a new little Turner and I am sure there are more that I can't even begin to imagine. I look forward to the things that I can't even see to look forward to, as hard as life is that is just what I do.

For me I want some peace, I need lots of kindness and understanding.  I hope maybe the tears will lessen this year. I hope not to miss the Wiebe's so much, they are always in my heart. I hope my heart continues to heal and grow and make room for LOVE.  I hope to grow friendships I have and even create new ones.  I want to be brave and courageous and I want to remember to breathe, everyone has a story mine is just different.  I want to know that I am not forgotten and that I really matter to people.  I want to make a difference to others and change things that just don't work for me.  I want to know that I can't save everyone but that I will never give up trying either.  I need to be kinder to myself, and be as gentle to my heart as I am with others. I need to have more faith, because I have so little. I want to bring joy to people and bring them kindness that they will never forget.  So with all the craziness that I am sure is ahead of me I wish these things for me in the coming year.

    So as I leave this year I am going to share the things that I am sure of, the people in my life that I love the things in my life that I consider miraculous. 

1. I passed Algebra with the help of two amazing faithful women. I am grateful.
2. Mariska got her wig, then will be getting another one that fits and it will be perfect.
3. I stood up for myself talking to the dean about my professor who said I shouldn't teach.
4. I am doing what is right for my children each and every day.
5. Once I finish school the kids and I are going to have an amazing adventurous life.
6. Vincents grades are improving and he is doing amazing.
7. Mariska knows she is different but has such courage, she has a sense of herself that is beautiful.
8. The most amazing people I know moved away but I know they are there and I know with all that I am there are people that need them even more than I do.
9. Vincent went through surgery and his hearing was restored almost to normal.
10. I am going to be able to pay for my student teaching next fall.
11. My mother had a mini stroke and am grateful my brother was here to take over.
12. I have a church that I feel at home in.
13. I am sure that the decisions I make for MY children are the best.
14. I am grateful for the beach last April.
15. I am grateful for Detective Romero who was so kind and understanding.
16. I will never forget the camping trip and the screaming frogs.
17. I am grateful for the days I got to spend will Ellie Emma and Nathan before they moved away.
18. You Carrie Rogers have touched my heart and I am beyond words.
19. Julie Turner for taking such time and sharing that book with me, someday I still want to finish.
20. To Pastor Randy, for your words on the way out the door, I heart your heart.
21. To Larissa and family for being such a role model , I am so blessed.
22. To Betty so thankful you understand all the tears.
23. To the Wiebe's you guys are my miracle. Always .Always.
24. Carrie Williams and Christy Coffman for taking me to the Zoo and having the best day. It was    PERFECT.
25. Rene and Bruno for sharing your heart and being so open and honest.
26. Matt and Ashley your kindness is amazing and so true.
27. To Mrs. Bell who has a heart of gold, oh what I have learned from you.
28. To Dianne you mean the world.
29. for my children, I love you more all the time, Wow I get to be your mom how Miraculous !!!
30. For me, for surviving all these years and getting to experience Goodness, I think I can say Pretty Good Year .

Oh My friends I heart your heart.  I love you so.  Have an amazing year !
From my Special Family,