People like pretty and perfect

Yea, I am learning people like pretty and perfect and those are things that I am not and may never be.  I don't have the right life that people are interested in. That people can relate to that people want to be a part of and there are so many pieces that go with this.  I don't fit in with couples I don't fit in with single moms, I don't fit in with the younger crowd and I don't fit in with the older crowd.  I feel like i should have a questionnaire before I let people in.

I can't hang around couples because who really want to be that third wheel.  No thank you.

I am different than other single moms there is no child support and when talk comes up about fathers of their children , yea I can't understand or comprehend that life. And they can't understand mine.  I won't bring things up and wait for the OMG from other people.  I just say yea, my situation is different.


The younger crowd seems so naive,  I don't understand the things that they don't see, the things that don't bother them.

I look on facebook, I know probably not a good indicator.  But anyway.  People respond to the happy family, the smiling children, posts about god and church.  People ignore the real and true and honest.

I am the same person all the time, funny serious, passionate and loving all the time.  I am who I am . I will not pretend to be something that I am not.  I will not share things that I do not believe in, or that I do  not believe to be true.  I focus on things that need to change on thing that make my heart happy, I focus on the things that are important to me.  People are not sure about the world that I live in.

I can even remember someone saying once, well you post about whales, your story and children all the time ?  YES....YES I do, those are the things that I am passionate about those are the things that speak to my heart.  If others don't like that to bad, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to be left out all the time.

I have yet to find that place where I belong.  I can sometimes go into other worlds and I am there.  I have yet to have people come into my world, and be a part of me, of my world, the things that speak to my heart.  The things that keep me going.  The things that keep me going are not pretty and not perfect.  I will never fit into someones box.  NEVER.  The things that speak to me that make me who I am are things that are often tragic, sometimes sad and always meaningful.  I guess think of a lotus flower,  I talk about things that come from the mud, that survive that fight for what they believe in, It seems as though others are only interested in the flower.  That is where the differences lie,  you have to see the mud, the gross the unimaginable then can you enjoy the flower that grows despite it all.

Maybe that is it completely.  I look at the mud, make it make sense, understand it or try then I am able to see the flower, that beautiful flower that has gone from things dark and ugly. Maybe those are the things that make me different.  I don't just see the beautiful flower I see all the things that have gotten it there.

I heart your heart.