It's been a long time

I have always been told reach out for help you can not do things on your own.  And I think its kind of funny because when I have done that ask for what I have needed it has usually not gone very well.  I can think of so many times that I have reached out asked for help only to be hurt even more.  So for a long time I just stop asking.  I can make lists and lists of people I have asked to help and the reactions that I got and I always think oh my goodness what in the world is wrong with me.  You know the last time that I reached out to James and I get back about the amount of time that he has spent on me, he didn't hear my heart at all and that the last time that I sent him an email.  That is not ok when he knows how I worry about being a bother and a pest and that is exactly what is thrown in my face.   I was crushed, because he knows me so much better than that. I was being honest, I didn't want anything about church I wanted my heart heard.  That interaction changed things.  The last counselor that I saw that said to me well it sucks to be you ?  WHAT,  but I was asking for help not complaining , I never went back, I was crushed.  Through out my life it seems that I have asked for help and either I was told oh your so strong you are fine, or others have seen my asking for help as weakness or a burden or any number of other things and I am left to do things on my own.  This has been my entire life,  all the long 43 years years of my life.  So I do things mostly alone.  I do everything in my being not to need and not to ask because the let down the rejection the look of disgust hurts so very much.  And I shut down... fine.......I will just deal with things myself.........once again.

Then there are times when my heart gets a little heavier when the world feels like its gaining a ton a second and I worry that I won't be able to carry it all anymore. I want to ask for help I need to and then I think wait is it going to hurt again is it worth it, can my heart take it and I think I have to try again.  What can they tell me no and I once again reach out RISKING EVERYTHING... and sometimes sometimes your heart is caught and cared for.  Just like that just because. 

Last weekend I went to trade learning days at work.  I went to a class the Trauma Informed Teacher.  I seriously almost didn't go, I was worn down, I wanted to be non existent in my bed.  But I also know that it would be really good and that Stacey was going.  SO I got ready brushed my hair and made it there.  I saw a few coworkers in the lobby they were complaining and blah blag I said wel have fun I am going to find my class. 

And down that hall I found my class and walked in and was warmly greeted.  I was glad that I was there, there was a kindness, there was small conversation.  I was nervous, worried that I don't know enough that I am not smart enough.  He was open and warm he even sat down and ate breakfast at the next table as we talked what I did my job how I loved it. His job what he did ..it was nice he was listening and heard me. Others started to enter he greeted each one with a genuineness, he was glad we were there. There was a passion in what he was doing.  I was more than glad I pulled myself out of bed to be there.  I felt like I belonged there, and that is a great feeling. When he looked at you , he saw you.  I was impressed there were so many things that day that I was impressed with.  In the first few minutes it was like what happened mattered and was important and my heart was open and listening. HE said its less about why and more about "What happened to you" oh my goodness.  There were so many awesome things, a caring an understanding everyone mattered in that room we were acknowledged.  Oh its always the little things that mean the world.  I held my heart together then he started to share some quotes from little's that were seen and heard and there were a few that he felt with his whole heart and that is why those children were able to heal to be safe and sound.  And for me the tears started and I thought I wonder if he would see me ?!?!

I let the day sink in, my brain was a little overloaded, thinking about how I could help my friends how could I make things better for them.  And then Monday came and I sent him an email to school thinking him , sharing how impact-full that it was and how it made a difference and I without hesitation told him about my speak your silence grant and asked if that was something he would be willing to do.  And with out thinking I hit send.  What was the worst that could happen he could tell me no. My heart was beating so fast, and then the reply.

Sherri,

Thank you so much for your very kind words. I really enjoyed visiting with you and only wish there had been more time.

I am honored that you would think to ask about the possibility of using the grant you mentioned for further counseling. I would love to find out how to make this happen for you. Please feel free to share whatever information I need in order to set this up.

You story touches me. More than that, your story tells me of your personal resolve and resilience. You have accomplished much!

Thank you for taking the time to share a part of your story. Thank you for your courage.

Please let me know what we must do next and I will do my part.

You take care.

Respectfully,

Mark Hundley




Seriously, he was going to do his part and make it happen for me.  I open this email and cried.  I sent a few others and the tears kept coming. I called speak your silence to tel them and he had already called them.  Someone was going above and beyond for me, for no other reason than because I asked.  And 4 days later everything is all set up with speak your silence and I get to see him on Wednesday evening.  I am more than excited for this opportunity and hope to heal even more of this heart of mine.  His words he's love to find out how to make this happen for me.  My heart I am truly grateful and beyond words that this man who was so kind and saw people is wiling to go on this next part of the journey with me.  I asked and he reached out, what more could I ask for.    Once again I reached out only there was nothing but kindness there and my heart my heart is smiling.

I heart your heart.