I can't even

I am angry beyond words and I don't see any relief in sight.  I hate dew rags and the black attitude that he has and his view that he is something other than white. I am his mom he is everything because of me and no one else and it feels like the ultimate betrayal.  How do I deal with this how do I cope how do those around me understand when there is no way that they can. And she makes a comment well why why does it bother you so much, it bothers me so much because my children are me. It bothers me so much because I was raped, because I told him no and he didn't listen. It bothers me because I only wanted to be normal and go shopping.  That is why it bothers me and no one knows that part no one cares to know or to ask and it breaks my heart.  I do everything to stay strong to keep it all together and this this is a slap in the face.  They are mine they are everything and he wants to become a part of something that hurt me terribly and I don't understand. I don't get why he would want to be a part of that when he knows that he didn't listen and was not kind and yet that is what he wants to connect with I DO NOT UNDERSTAND and it more than hurts my heart.  Even the other might at the dinner table Mariska was putting on Make up and he made a comment that it was for white people.....my heart broke and I said you are white and and there was more conversation but I went somewhere else.  I feel like this is becoming bigger than I ever imagined and I don't have a clue what to do.  How could he want to be like something that was so hurtful. Why would he want to connect with that part when he knows how unkind he was.....I want to understand I want to do the right thing but this breaks my heart his attitude the things that he thinks are funny.  Sure part of that is the 14 year old boy the other part I just don't know but I know that I don't like what I see.  It scares me I want him to be a good guy to make good choices and do the right thing.  This breaks my heart I am more than sorry for the things that happened I am sorry that there isn't a roll model around I am more than sorry that I couldn't stop him, that I couldn't make things different.

 I am beyond any feeling and more than numb I want to scream at how unfair this is. That this is something that we both have to deal with I am more than sorry and don't know what to do.  This is more than awful.  This is the worst part even more than the rape because at least for that part I just went away until he was done. As soon as the pillow fell on my face I was no longer there, but in a corner far away  safely waiting for it all to be over. The part that hurts more than anything its that its not so much about me its about how they are affected. It kills me, it more than hurts. Does he not care does he not understand ?