My books

These books, My Books  are my world. They are everything that is inside that is dark and scary and ugly.  They are all the things that I don't have words for that are to ugly to even come out of my mouth.  I wish sometimes that I could explain all that they hold.  It's the darkness the things that I see from the outside. Those books are my deep dark soul that is more than damaged and feels more than unlovable.These books are the things that no one has ever asked about, no one has even cared to find out about.  These books are everything, they are all the things that I want to be acknowledged and to mean something.  I want these books to be a look into all the things that are unseen all the things that I have survived.  People wonder why I am the way that I am, why I I watch everything and am cautious. These books have helped me survive and given my mind a place to express the horror that is inside.  These books mean more than I can even understand myself sometimes. It takes so much to share them and yet I hare because I do not want to carry all that is in them myself.  The things that they hold ; literally hold me hostage and are heavier than I can bare.  I feel lately that their weight is increasing and the toll that that takes is something that I can't explain. I feel those things that are in books in my bones still to this day.  I wake up with nightmares and feel frozen.  I wake up and my arms are cold and my legs are asleep.  I wake up and my hips are more than achy even after all this time.  I can't hold these things to myself anymore.  I can not carry the weight on my own because I can't and I won'r anymore.  I still feel like so much of those books is my burden to carry because of the choices that I made, wearing his shirt , dancing,  wanting to be a part of the crowd, wanting to belong, those things always got me into a place that I never wanted to be. I feel often like I am still living in the nightmare, and I don't want to live like that anymore.    I smile and I laugh and still smile some more but my heart is broken and its time to share, heal and maybe even let some of those things go that are not mine to carry.  I want all the things that have happened to me to mean something to be important to be big enough for someone to help me through them.   Nothing that ever happened to me was big was hard enough, was scary enough for anyone to step up to the plate and today I think that I have someone who will do that. Who will listen and hear as long as it takes as many times as it takes and that is terrifying and amazing.  I don't have the words for the gratefulness in my heart because 44 long lonely years is more than enough. I am tired, my heart is exhausted and my mind and body are so tired of fighting all the time.  This is more than hard and its going to take a lot out of me, I am sure that in the end when I can dance and not be scared, when I can love and not be afraid when I can openly share and not feel ashamed then it will all be worth it.  Oh, this is incredibly hard and my heart aches,  I don't want to live in this hellish place I want pure joy, pure happiness and I will do anything to make sure that I find it.  A dear man , has said: he is here. And not going anywhere.  If there could only be an explanation for what those words mean to someone like me. He  Has said that the words that come to his mind are courageous,  gritty.
"The other words that come to mind when I think about you are: Resourceful; Determined; Resilient. I would also add Kind to that list."

 These are the words that I need in my mind heart and soul. 
 Those words to describe someone like me,  they feel so foreign, undeserved and yet those are the things that I want to believe, those are the things that I will fight to believe and find the happily ever after place that I long for.

I heart your heart.

Only if your affected

Wow sometimes I am amazed at the things that come out of People's mouths. People that are close, people that know some of the things that I have dealt with and still don't get it. People that are insensitive to any issue that doesn't affect them.  All these things have literally broken my heart tonight and I am more than alone.

I am not sure that I have the right words or if I can even put what went on into words.....it all started with a single question and the night began to spiral. I can't breather there is an elephant on my chest and I want to crawl in a hole.  How does one person deal with all of this.

We were watching the news and they were talking about the new abortion bill; that even in cases of rape and incest it was illegal.  Those things come on the news and I try to keep moving half listening but mostly not. I wait for them to be over and go on with whatever it is that I am doing.   One of those things that kits too close to home.  Well tonight when it came on Vincent asked my mom what she thought.  And again I was half listening, but I heard enough.  She said well it didn't matter, that it was still wrong and that there were other options.  I heard a lot of Blah Blah Blah and no caring no concern, Vincent said something to her and how not right that it was and she kept saying well there are other options and she can have the baby, she can give them up for adoption.  Vincent said but what about that meaning Rape and she said well the morning after pill is ok........

There were so many thoughts running through my head........She has no idea just how broken that I am. Ho hurt that my heart is and how much that I have had to do completely on my own.

Another thing that I can not share , that I live with on my own. I suffer in silence, and hold it ever so close to my heart. It's to much and too heavy for others to know.

She has no idea how hard that this situation is  or how close that this is to my heart and is so much a part of who I am and who my children are.  I have never used the word Rape with my children. When I told them I just said that Charles didn't listen.....Do they put that word on what happened ?  A question for sometime.....I am more than sorry that is something that they even have to contemplate in their life.

On the issue I don't know.....I do not believe in Abortion, I could never harm an innocent little one but I also understand that in cases of rape and incest there are many emotions, feelings and situations that no one can understand unless you have walked in their shoes. I know that for me what I did, the choice that I made was the right one for me.  And I have said it a thousand times,  if I had to do it over again I would to have my children; but that doesn't make what happened to me any less awful, it doesn't make it ok, or make it hurt any less.  I hate what happened to me and how I got pregnant and everything that went with it, the black, the going away, the pillow on my face, him commenting on his beautiful BMW as he left.  I closed the door and went to my bed and cried until there were no more tears.  I was once again left with nothing and 2 weeks later, Yes I am pregnant.  All that mattered was those sweet children and they meant the world to me.  They were my world and I was going to give them all that I never had.  I knew what happened to me, but that didn't matter because those two precious babies were meant to be mine. 

The spiral of the evening left me with a panic attack.  Questions from my children, the nonchalance of my mother.  My own heart and what its been through and the things that I have had to live though.  There is so much and I a, so alone in this.  What does a mom do who was raped and has children ?  I try to think it doesn't matter but there are ties that it does there are times I worry about Vincent being a good guy.  So many pieces.  Once again I am more than sorry that this is something my children have to know and deal with sometimes I do believe it would be easier for them to think I was just a slut, and got pregnant.  That just isn't the case.  There is me the damaged one in the middle.  There are my two beautiful children on one side and the awful terrible rape on the other how do I make sense of that.  How do I not blame myself and  lessen the impact on my sweet beautiful children.  There are no answers and no manual for this.   I am more than sorry for my children, once again I wish I coud make it easier for them.  And for me I would do it all again to have them as mine.  That is so hard, that is scary and heavy.  Yet another thing to carry and try to heal on my own.

I heart your heart. 

Little Callahan

 Yea so many things and I am no sure where I start.  Once again I feel like I have been in this place before and beat myself up that I find myself  here in a place that I know all too well.  I am grateful that I have Mark and feel like he is listening and I am more than grateful.  The timing could not have been better. It seems like I am fine; I am fine; I am fine; and then BAM comes the brick wall.  I feel I have hit hard and I once again want to scream at the world until I feel better. Until I feel safe until I feel a little more peace in my heart.  I feel like I am running all the time trying to do it all and there isn't much left.  And there is no-one there checking to make sure that I am ok ! I think that is the rough spot.  I am pretty much on my own and that is more than heavy.  People aren't around and I won't pretend to be someone that I am not just to fit in somewhere.  So that leaves me smiling and doing things on my own.  In counseling there is a lot, and its really really hard.  There are so many things that still so hurt my heart.  I would think that I would be done by now, that I would feel whole that I wouldn't feel that awful terrible inside.  I still see the world through all the things that I have been through.  And I fight the good fight trying to be better and sometimes the past still wins.  I feel like right now, its winning.  My heart is heavy and things are happening that I am not sure what to feel .  I am not sure how to take care of myself and do all the things that I need to do.

Mark has said that he thinks little Callahan is closer than I think that is a good thing and also terrifying.  She is at least in the building in the same room.  She is still not a favorite,  but I can't  hate her.  I am just more than sorry and want so much to change things make them better. I am more than sorry for the things that she has lives through for the things that she has to carry and I want to not feel so much less than everyone else all the time.  That feeling of being less than is more than huge and I know the right things in my head .  I know all the it's not m fault, I didn't do anything wrong. I KNOW all those things in my head but my heart ..........yea, that is a different story.  I feel that if I let her in less her close enough to take care of I will shatter and there won't be anything left. 

I think how I see her changes I would like to think of her in this safe happy place and no one can ever hurt her again.  A place that is safe, that is bright that has all the things that A little girl could ever want,  yet she is alone and even though she might smile she is always afraid.  Always in fear of being hurt one more time,  and that being the finally straw and there is an inner knowing that she just couldn't take it,  she wouldn't make it her mind would leave and never come back.  That is the fear, so she is alone and isolated and trying to smile through all the awful terrible things that have been done to her , that she somehow has lives through.  And then I sometimes see her cowering in the corner,  with monsters hovering and she sees nothing but the things that have been done and feels like this is her life.  I know that she is me and , she is a part of me she is that little girl that was hurt so much but its easier and harder all at the same time to have her close and not keep her at a distance.  I feel like I keep her at arm's length more like many arms because I fear what it will be like when she is right in front of me and I can't push her away.  I feel like for me I see the pictures in pieces and parts and its not all connected.  I feel like she is all connected most of the time and that terrifies me.  I wake up with the nightmares and the bruises and I feel things that happened in my bones and its often scattered and indescribable.  I really think that little Callahan is more aware and feels more than I have ever imagined.  I know the weight of what I carry and am more than afraid to take on her feelings, emotions and experience.  I feel like she has the words that I don't have.  She has the experiences that I see in detail playing all the time.  I feel more than crazy, how does a person life normal ?  How does a person live a happy fulfilled life knowing all the things that have happened and how different that I see the world around me.  There are things about me that have been changes forever and I don't know any other way.  Can I see things different, Do I see some things different yes but those tapes play and they are horrendous and I don't know how to make that a worthy part of who I am.  I fight being worthy with all those things being pictures what happens when I connect with Callahan and feel her weight that she carries.   It feels very big and very heavy and I always wonder if I am strong enough for her. What if I am not ?

I heart your heart.