Little Callahan

 Yea so many things and I am no sure where I start.  Once again I feel like I have been in this place before and beat myself up that I find myself  here in a place that I know all too well.  I am grateful that I have Mark and feel like he is listening and I am more than grateful.  The timing could not have been better. It seems like I am fine; I am fine; I am fine; and then BAM comes the brick wall.  I feel I have hit hard and I once again want to scream at the world until I feel better. Until I feel safe until I feel a little more peace in my heart.  I feel like I am running all the time trying to do it all and there isn't much left.  And there is no-one there checking to make sure that I am ok ! I think that is the rough spot.  I am pretty much on my own and that is more than heavy.  People aren't around and I won't pretend to be someone that I am not just to fit in somewhere.  So that leaves me smiling and doing things on my own.  In counseling there is a lot, and its really really hard.  There are so many things that still so hurt my heart.  I would think that I would be done by now, that I would feel whole that I wouldn't feel that awful terrible inside.  I still see the world through all the things that I have been through.  And I fight the good fight trying to be better and sometimes the past still wins.  I feel like right now, its winning.  My heart is heavy and things are happening that I am not sure what to feel .  I am not sure how to take care of myself and do all the things that I need to do.

Mark has said that he thinks little Callahan is closer than I think that is a good thing and also terrifying.  She is at least in the building in the same room.  She is still not a favorite,  but I can't  hate her.  I am just more than sorry and want so much to change things make them better. I am more than sorry for the things that she has lives through for the things that she has to carry and I want to not feel so much less than everyone else all the time.  That feeling of being less than is more than huge and I know the right things in my head .  I know all the it's not m fault, I didn't do anything wrong. I KNOW all those things in my head but my heart ..........yea, that is a different story.  I feel that if I let her in less her close enough to take care of I will shatter and there won't be anything left. 

I think how I see her changes I would like to think of her in this safe happy place and no one can ever hurt her again.  A place that is safe, that is bright that has all the things that A little girl could ever want,  yet she is alone and even though she might smile she is always afraid.  Always in fear of being hurt one more time,  and that being the finally straw and there is an inner knowing that she just couldn't take it,  she wouldn't make it her mind would leave and never come back.  That is the fear, so she is alone and isolated and trying to smile through all the awful terrible things that have been done to her , that she somehow has lives through.  And then I sometimes see her cowering in the corner,  with monsters hovering and she sees nothing but the things that have been done and feels like this is her life.  I know that she is me and , she is a part of me she is that little girl that was hurt so much but its easier and harder all at the same time to have her close and not keep her at a distance.  I feel like I keep her at arm's length more like many arms because I fear what it will be like when she is right in front of me and I can't push her away.  I feel like for me I see the pictures in pieces and parts and its not all connected.  I feel like she is all connected most of the time and that terrifies me.  I wake up with the nightmares and the bruises and I feel things that happened in my bones and its often scattered and indescribable.  I really think that little Callahan is more aware and feels more than I have ever imagined.  I know the weight of what I carry and am more than afraid to take on her feelings, emotions and experience.  I feel like she has the words that I don't have.  She has the experiences that I see in detail playing all the time.  I feel more than crazy, how does a person life normal ?  How does a person live a happy fulfilled life knowing all the things that have happened and how different that I see the world around me.  There are things about me that have been changes forever and I don't know any other way.  Can I see things different, Do I see some things different yes but those tapes play and they are horrendous and I don't know how to make that a worthy part of who I am.  I fight being worthy with all those things being pictures what happens when I connect with Callahan and feel her weight that she carries.   It feels very big and very heavy and I always wonder if I am strong enough for her. What if I am not ?

I heart your heart.