My books

These books, My Books  are my world. They are everything that is inside that is dark and scary and ugly.  They are all the things that I don't have words for that are to ugly to even come out of my mouth.  I wish sometimes that I could explain all that they hold.  It's the darkness the things that I see from the outside. Those books are my deep dark soul that is more than damaged and feels more than unlovable.These books are the things that no one has ever asked about, no one has even cared to find out about.  These books are everything, they are all the things that I want to be acknowledged and to mean something.  I want these books to be a look into all the things that are unseen all the things that I have survived.  People wonder why I am the way that I am, why I I watch everything and am cautious. These books have helped me survive and given my mind a place to express the horror that is inside.  These books mean more than I can even understand myself sometimes. It takes so much to share them and yet I hare because I do not want to carry all that is in them myself.  The things that they hold ; literally hold me hostage and are heavier than I can bare.  I feel lately that their weight is increasing and the toll that that takes is something that I can't explain. I feel those things that are in books in my bones still to this day.  I wake up with nightmares and feel frozen.  I wake up and my arms are cold and my legs are asleep.  I wake up and my hips are more than achy even after all this time.  I can't hold these things to myself anymore.  I can not carry the weight on my own because I can't and I won'r anymore.  I still feel like so much of those books is my burden to carry because of the choices that I made, wearing his shirt , dancing,  wanting to be a part of the crowd, wanting to belong, those things always got me into a place that I never wanted to be. I feel often like I am still living in the nightmare, and I don't want to live like that anymore.    I smile and I laugh and still smile some more but my heart is broken and its time to share, heal and maybe even let some of those things go that are not mine to carry.  I want all the things that have happened to me to mean something to be important to be big enough for someone to help me through them.   Nothing that ever happened to me was big was hard enough, was scary enough for anyone to step up to the plate and today I think that I have someone who will do that. Who will listen and hear as long as it takes as many times as it takes and that is terrifying and amazing.  I don't have the words for the gratefulness in my heart because 44 long lonely years is more than enough. I am tired, my heart is exhausted and my mind and body are so tired of fighting all the time.  This is more than hard and its going to take a lot out of me, I am sure that in the end when I can dance and not be scared, when I can love and not be afraid when I can openly share and not feel ashamed then it will all be worth it.  Oh, this is incredibly hard and my heart aches,  I don't want to live in this hellish place I want pure joy, pure happiness and I will do anything to make sure that I find it.  A dear man , has said: he is here. And not going anywhere.  If there could only be an explanation for what those words mean to someone like me. He  Has said that the words that come to his mind are courageous,  gritty.
"The other words that come to mind when I think about you are: Resourceful; Determined; Resilient. I would also add Kind to that list."

 These are the words that I need in my mind heart and soul. 
 Those words to describe someone like me,  they feel so foreign, undeserved and yet those are the things that I want to believe, those are the things that I will fight to believe and find the happily ever after place that I long for.

I heart your heart.