Courage is a shapeshifter

                                                             Courage is a shapeshifter

I do not like the word really , it doesn't fit 

I think strong, brave, beautiful confident 

because the words that have been spoken have all but made me believe that I am not

I am everything pesky, burdensome and needy 

Some days I think I find a piece of my courage that is, I think I do

And for that time, I feel like I am on top of the world, 

but it doesn't last and even the smallest thing feels like I am a nothing lost in the blackness of the ocean.

but those things are not meant for me 

The being loved and cared for

cherished and admired are things for other girls

girls that aren't shameful and dirty

Girls that ........that aren't all the things I am

People have said I have courage, and I want to believe that

To me courage would be 

loosing the fear, the hate and disgust of being in my own skin

Courage would be being proud of the eclectic, weird, other than person that I am

I am not courageous, I am scared every singe day, I feel too much 

I wake up sometimes dreading my next breathe

I have always been a persons plan B 

A persons person when there was something that was needed. 

When I fit some need that they had 

and out of desperation and wanting to be wanted I fill their need and am left when something better comes along

There are numerous betters , like millions and billions of betters 

and I am left. 

My courage is that quiet in the morning when I feel the heavy of the day before my feet hit the floor

My courage is thinking of others, never wanting them to know the things I have felt. 

I am the courage to help others as I lay drowning

Even as my lungs are filling with water, I will reach out to help who ever might be in need

Courage is knowing that I am drowning and still trying to wave for help knowing that others will just 

wave 

Courage is the tears that I cry in the shower because they are an inconvenience

I always always keep going and I wonder what the day will look like when I can sit in courage 

When I can politely say yes I have courage and yes I am hurting and yes I will always make sure that you are safe and sound 

I want to sit and wrap myself in the courage that others talk about me having ,

I want to feel that type of courage in my bones 

Someday I will find it, someday I will be courageous, I will.