I've had enough , even my sad is sad

Standing on a line a very thin line and there is so much pain inside.  I am sadder than sad and I feel it in my bones. Normal little things are very big things and its exhausting.  I finally have a DR appointment and I am terrified. I hope that he is kind, that he is able to hear and that he truly listens.  I hate things hurting and being in pain, I hate noticing and feeling the things that are going on in my own kin. Its like there are a million hands all over me, and I just can't get away.  Hands are not just hands . Hands are something that hurt and can do so much damage. Hands are evil and do terrible things.  Lately I feel oh so many hands and my heart is scared and overwhelmed. I know things are not happening, but my head and my heart are not on the same page.  I feel their hands in my nightmares and feel their hands when I am awake. I know this is just a time, but its a terrible one and I am struggling. I am going under. I am not ok. 

I heart your heart