I cried in Wal-Mart

 Last Sunday I got up early and ran to Wal-Mart.  And while waiting in the checkout line, there was a dad .  A kind dad a gentle dad a dad whose face lit up when he talked to his little girl. Those dads , that kind of man was something that I never knew.  It made me more than sad.  I was sad for me that I didn't know what that was like. I was sad for me that I will never know that feeling.  I will never have someone look at me, like that dad looked at his little girl.  His whole face lite up as he was talking to her,  it was in his eyes and you could see that through his mask.  That is something special.  I do not believe that I was ever anything special to my father.  I do not believe that he ever truly loved me.  I do not believe that he valued or treasured me as his daughter.  That is such a huge loss.  And its on days like this I can see just what a huge loss this is.  

I have never been one to look around and think I want them for a dad.  I do often think I wonder what they are like, or if they are good dads.  I know that I look around constantly wondering if each and every man is a good dad.  I wonder if the person that they are putting into the world is the same person that they are at home.  I wonder if they are loving and kind. I wonder if they leave the light on at night just to ease a little girls heart.  I wonder if its ok to run into his arms at night when he gets home and feel safe and sound.  Those are things I didn't have. I want to know what its like to be held and feel like nothing in the world matters.  I want to be seen as valued and important,  I never ever felt those things. 

Sometimes I pretend it doesn't matter that there isn't a huge hole in my heart then other times, it becomes blaring and aching and I realize that I missed out on so much.  I never had a good kind man on my side that is supposed to love me forever.

The first time that I realized that was with Neil.  It was after we had filmed for the documentary.  He was going to be with his son, whose grandson was coming into the world and was saying his goodbye.  He put his hands on my face, so gently and said that I was brave.  He gave me a hug.  And for the first time ever I felt heard and safe and I went into the hotel crying asking why couldn't I have had a dad like that.  And the tears just wouldn't stop.  I wanted Neil to be my dad in those moments more than I ever wanted anything.  That kind of gentleness and comfort.  I can only imagine that having a good dad would be something like those moments with Neil.  I will never forget that day, and I will be forever grateful for a glimpse into what it might be like to have that all the time. 

As I get older, I think those wants and needs diminish.  I think they have to because there is a realization that those things just weren't meant for you.  But there are times, when the kindest man says things that I imagine a dad would say and I could tell him all my worries and he would be there and with those words; all would be well with the world, because someone has your back and someone understands.  There are times with Mark, I think you know what if he was my dad and stood up for me and was kind and made me believe good things about myself.  Oh, how my life would be so incredibly different. I wonder things like if he likes being a dad and I want to ask so many things.  Because there are times his kindness is overwhelming and I wonder if just for a day I could feel and understand having a good dad a dad that would keep me safe and protected and do everything to make sure to make sure my heart was taken care of .  

So for whatever reason,  that dad in Wal-Mart hit a nerve and I so wanted to be that little girl who for nothing more than breathing she made him so very happy.  I wanted to be that little girl , she made him happy just because she was.  That is something special.  I never had that. My children have never had that I am hopeful that someday my children will have their own families and have that. Vincent will be a dad and Mariska will have a husband who loves and cares for her with his whole heart.  I wish that for them that they will have an experience with a good dad a kind man and their children's lives will be better for it.  That is my wish, because for me I will have days like Sunday when no matter how old I am I will wonder what that must have been like and be lucky enough that if even for a few moments I was given a glimpse into what it must be like to be so cared for.  

I heart your heart.