Tonight was another one of those moments where I realized something that I had never ever thought of before. And I am not sure that my mind knows what to do with that. I keep repeating what I never imagined. I want that thought to settle, to find a place but I am not sure that there is one.
For almost 19 years I have thought one thing and tonight I realized that I as totally wrong.
I have always said that a pillow fell on my face and I just went away. I really really thought like it just so happened , that the pillow fell over my face all by itself, but really it was on purpose, how does a pillow do that it doesn't , how does a pillow fall exactly over someone's face IT DOES NOT. Before tonight that thought had never crossed my mind.
I have never ever realized that before , and when I talk about violence and whether or not he was a monster, that is a big deal. He was violent, he was mean and he put that pillow over my face.
And my head screams for excuses , maybe he was moving it out of the way, maybe he was I don't know, I just don't know what he was doing. And I think was he trying to end my life ? Was he trying to make me shut up ? Was he trying to stop me from breathing? Those things I will never know because I just went away. And there is such great frustration in that. How does a person not even know something as big as this.
I can remember Mark months ago talking about it, and He asked something about him trying to cover my face, like he wanted to stop my breathing and I quickly stood up for Chares, like oh no it just fell; And I remember him being a little confused. Now I understand that confusion, because it didn't accidentally fall right on my face, it was put there. That doesn't even make sense in my head and I have to figure out where that fits in my story. Like he did that on purpose/ that is hard to understand. I have tried to make him a good guy in a sense because of my children.
And as another August 22 has passed, this is yet another piece of the puzzle. I find myself saying it over and over again in my head like somehow its going to make some kind of sense, but it still hasn't . I am sure that there is no sense to be had in this one. This is more than heartbreaking, and challenges all the things that I have said to myself all these years.
There has been a huge part of me that blamed myself. That hated the choices that I made that day. I have hated myself for wanting to fit in, for wanting to belong, for wanting someone to talk to me and get to know the things that I like.
I am so sad about all that was taken that day. I am so sad that he was yet another person who hurt me. I am sad that I felt like I was coming out of my shell a bit and opening up and wanting good things. And just like that; all was taken with yet another violent act. That is heartbreaking. I feel like that took thinks that I will never get back. I fear never finding love, never being special, never really really being understood. Those are all things that I wanted that day, I wanted normal and got everything hurtful.
I feel like the truth is still swirling in my brain trying to find a place to settle, trying to find a place to fit. I am wondering how something like this ever fits in anywhere. I can see the violence in the truth; and it is more than painful. . Yet, there is a part of me that wants to hold on to the lie that a random pillow just happened to fall directly on my face. I am angry that I just went away. I am angry that I don't have knowledge of what happened to me. Its strange to know what happened because I have my children, but the last thing I remember was that fucking pillow. That orange pillow, that tried to take my breathe away.
So many thoughts and feelings that all feel so overwhelming. I feel like my thoughts are so confused and I don't have any real answers. This is more than hard.
I heart your heart.
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