I have been thinking about where I am and where I have come and I am more than amazed that I have even made it this far. Life started out so very rough, and I kept going. Life was so screwed from the time that I was born. I feel like I never had a chance and yet here I stand.
I was thinking about how life started out so hurtful. I knew that I was a bother and got in the way. I knew that I wasn't liked. So many things happened that I didn't understand. There was so much that I couldn't even comprehend. There were so many cruel people. I was so little trying to learn about the world. My world was just so evil. I always cared about the little things, the things that others never noticed. I was always in my own world, watching the birds and clouds. I was always far away wondering about other worlds. I always felt so out of place, I never fit in anywhere. I was an outsider always looking in never a part of anything like everyone else. I always felt more than different. I would float away, pretend to be somewhere else, I would watch from other parts of the room. Sometimes I was there sometimes I was not. That ia not a way to live through your childhood. It is what I had.
Then comes 13, unimaginable loss, so much that I still didn't understand, but I knew that something wasn't right. I fought, I fought with my whole being for people to stop hurting me. I started to stand up for myself even in the smallest ways. I fought the five of them with everything that I had. I didn't win but at least I fought, there has to be something good in that. I suffered the greatest loss of sweet Bella, and I did it all on my own. People knew, they had too, I was only 13 and still I was on my own. There was no help no support. I was breathing in a living hell that no one really acknowledged or cared about. I was alone in the world, with fingers pointed at me, no one would want to do that to me. I took that as a part of me, I must be all kinds of disgusting , no one wanted to do that to me. I truly believed that, Every Single Word. There was something so wrong with me. Things were so bad; that my entire life faded to black. I would not only be in the corner or watching from the ceiling, I was gone in a place far far away . The blackness came when I couldn't handle the things that were happening to me.
Then again so many years later. I only wanted to have a friend , I wanted to be a part I wanted to do normal life things. And in comes Charles. I think there were so many red flags I should have known but I didn't. And there was a part of me that didn't understand Charles, I wanted him to be different. I begged him not to hurt me. Over and over I said how we were supposed to go shopping but the second I realized that he had no intentions of going shopping, I was already so far gone. That orange pillow fell on my face, I knew the routine, I knew what happened and I was gone. I could not tell you a single thing that he said or did because I was not there. I remember him being done , getting off my bed. I was in shock, not really in my own skin. I cried so hard when he left, I knew what he did but I was not aware if that makes sense. 2 weeks later the morning sickness stated and I was going to be a mom. I would not have thought about him or what he did again if I had not gotten pregnant. I was so far gone, if I didn't get to be a mom to my sweet babies, things would have been different.
Like at 5 there isn't an understanding of sex or what is happening to you. Things hurt, and you learn to just deal with it. As you get older there are good nights and bad nights and really bad nights. You know what is happening to you but there isn't an understanding, and there is a innocence to that. You don't want to be hurt, you know it isn't ok, but these are your people doing this to you and that is just what happens, and I never really knew any different.
Then at 13 you know how things work, you know the things that are happening to you. Your body still hurts, there is a different kind of understanding that makes you an outlier, you watch everything scared all the time, you wonder if everyone has to do the things that you do. You wonder if those other girls know what its like when your Father doesn't work, and you are relieved, that sex won't happen that night. You are old enough to know, and to find that your pregnant and you are going to do everything to keep them safe and sound. Somehow a little one to make people be kind, to give them the safety and love that you always wanted. To understand such loss , that is a life not lived. The world was on my shoulders and I learned to carry it so well.
Then later, you know all about life. Nothing surprises you anymore. Things hurt sometimes, and you go away, you learn to wait it out, but you are also tired of being used and yet that is the only life that you have known. I wanted nothing more in this life than to be cared for and loved. I thought I had found a good guy going to get lunch. Even as I write this the thoughts run rampant. I should have known better, so many red flags, the things he said on the phone I should have known he had no intentions of lunch and shopping but I did not. So as soon as that part of your brain kicks in, you know what is going to happen and you can't face it, you can't fight so you just go away. You know what he is going to do, you know your body will hurt, so you do what you know and there isn't a single part of you aware of what is being done. And just like that you become pregnant.
I keep talking about not making it, because I truly believe with my whole heart that if I ever got hurt again, that would be it. Callahan would totally check out from the world. I know what happened when Charles came, the second that I knew what he was going to do, with out a thought without hesitation I was far far far away. It was so automatic that I know I would not ever make it through being hurt again. I would not make it and I am sure that I wouldn't want to. I know I look for that guarantee, I know in my head there isn't one. I also know that if anyone ever hurts me, I will no longer be a part of this world. I know that my mind would be somewhere hiding away The fear, the devastation the disgust would surely keep me in that place far away, forever unreachable. A place where the things that happened, are irrelevant because there is no pain, ,no feeling, no nothing. Just utter darkness. That is my greatest fear in the whole entire world, that I live with every single day. That is a weight that no person can ever be prepared for.
So as Sunday comes, I feel the heavy and I hope I remember to breathe and remember just how far that I have come.
I heart your heart.
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