Violence

 I am really struggling with this.  There is some violence that is so out there in your face, there is no question.  I think of the central park jogger,  I think of Brave Ms. World,  I think of Travon Martin and George Floyd.  Those are acts of violence without question that we all should be outraged by.  I am not sure that it is always that cut and dry.  I guess I only know how to look at this through my own life, and it has me wanting to ask so many questions.  

In one sense I could say Violence was a part of my life from as far back as I remember.  I think when a child is hurt at such a young age, there is violence no matter how you look at it.  Then there are times that I think, well it wasn't really violent, Sometimes I didn't fight I didn't scream, I didn't get physically hurt.  I think for me in my life there were so many different levels of hurt and violence that for me if it was something small then I am not sure that I can consider that violence.  

I know that there are certain times that stick out, where I can say  without question that were violent.  There are also some things that I can say, yes it happened but was it violent ?  That is a hard one.  I am really struggling with this ,  like seriously struggling and I am not sure that I have put this much thought into the violence that has occurred in my life.  There is a lot of things that I am not sure that I consider violent. 

I think about my father and there were times that it was awful terrible,  he was hurting me and I cried, just wanting him to stop.  Then there were other times, it was just something that happened and you just wait for him to be finished and to get off of you. There were times he got so angry at my size or not being able to do what he wanted and he would push me out of bed, that is pretty violent.  He would get so angry with me at times. Not that either was better, but there wasn't extreme violence all the times.  Sometimes it was just normal. 

I think as I got older it was less violent with my father just because I was more mature and physically capable of what he wanted. It still wasn't asked for or wanted, but there wasn't that extreme level of violence either. Somehow if violence wasn't a part of it, then it wasn't so bad.  

Albert was violent most of the time.  He always hurt, and was usually threatening, I learned after he killed my tadpoles that he would hurt me just like them.  There were times that I fought, there were times that I just silently cried there were times, I totally went away.  He was always very rough and mean he didn't care that he was hurting me. He never acknowledged me crying, or showed any ounce of kindness. He was pure evil all the time. 

I think of Don when I was 13.  There were times he was so very violent and there were times that he wasn't .  The first time I was shocked and I fought, the second time I was overwhelmed, I screamed I fought, I scratched, kicked and bit but there was nothing that I could do.  The final time, it wasn't violent.  I knew what was going to happen and I laid down there was nothing left, still bruised from the 5.  I knew this is what was going to happen and I laid down, there was no violence the last time, my mind everywhere except what was happening.  The cold floor, hoping no one came to the door, hating myself for laying down.  It's crazy the things that you think about wanting to be anywhere else from where you are. 

Then Charles.  He was not violent, I didn't fight.  I just went away I knew what he came to get the second he ignored my questions about going shopping.  I just knew that I need to get far away and I did.

For certain situations yes there was Violence and I am more than sad and sometimes angry for what happened to me.  Yet other times I think, do I have a right to be sad ?  They were not violent all the time, there were no physical marks or injuries.  One part of me understands the sadness and another part thinks how crazy you weren't even there to experience it, so where does that sad come from ?   

I was watching these videos for work that we have to watch every year, and I got angry. Like really really angry.  I had so many signs of being abused and yet no one noticed.  

The wetting the bed, the withdrawn child, UTI's all the time that were more than painful, the bloody underwear.  So many things and yet no one noticed. It made me mad.  Some of those things were things that I couldn't hide, that I could not pretend weren't happening.  I went to the Dr a lot about my UTI's and the Dr always said I took too many bubble baths. That Dr was awful, I didn't like him and he scared me.  I can remember him always looking in my underwear and I seriously thought he was going to be another person to hurt me.. No five year old thinks like that.  I did, I was always scared and always thought that another person was going to hurt me.  I would sneak my underclothes to the trash, there was evidence, just no one noticed. I am sure that will be something that I never understand.  I know that when it comes to trauma, we have come a really long way, but that doesn't make a difference for me. Even if trauma wasn't something that was on peoples radar, there were things happening to me that no one saw and no one noticed and I was left to deal with it all on my own. 

So today all this time later,  I question if things were violent ?  I question if I didn't do something enough ?  I question whether, I was the one that did something.  All the violence and still I question well was it really that violent !!!  In my head if things were really that violent someone would have helped save mw.  If things were that violent someone would have held my heart and let me know that I wasn't this awful terrible person.  No one ever told me that all those terrible things that were happening shouldn't have happened at all ever.  NO one ever told me that those things weren't ok.  So instead all this time later, I am left so angry that I question my anger and my sadness because really, there were a lot of times when things weren't really violent, it was just the way that things were.  I want to see things different and find some peace.  I can't go back no one can go back and tell me all the things that I needed to hear. Until I can call the things what they are, best that I can do is keep trying to understand and someday someday,  I will never question the how or why of my survival. 

I heart your heart Callahan.  I am so sorry that you were never kept safe.