Its a feeling that I know all too well. But its a feeling lately that is deeper and more extreme. It's a feeling that I could always shake, but lately I can not. I would listen to my music on the way home, cry, feel be and then go home back to the world where I have to be Mom, housekeeper cook and teacher. Lately I want to curl up in a ball and do nothing. I want to sleep, sleep like I have never slept only the nightmares are relentless. My heart is tired. My head is tired. I am tired of the pictures and the memories. I am tired of feeling things with every cell that I don't want to remember. I am tired of trying to figure out the fucking hurtful life that I was given. I have dealt with it all, always smiling, never quitting but lately I can't seem to shut it off and pretend that all is well because nothing seems well. Nothing is in place and it feels like I am drowning. The effort that everything takes is unbelievable huge, and I am not sure what to do about it. I know that I have been trying to figure out that 13 year old part of me. That girl so hurt that she won't even open her eyes is proving to make me feel like the world will come crashing in, with a mere word or picture in my head. I could leave counseling and write and be ok, I would do all the necessary things to figure life out. Lately I do all the necessary things but there is an underlying, wish that I want to disappear, that I want to crawl back in bed and cry until there is nothing left. As much as I want to understand and deal with this piece ; it is the hardest work that I have ever had to do.
People have said the most terrible awful things to that girl and the sad truth is that the both of us still believe them. There is on some level an understanding in my head that those things aren't true, but that is where it stops. Surely a 13 year old girl is not responsible for 5 men ? Surely someone would have done the right thing and helped her f it was serious ? Maybe it just wasn't that bad, Maybe ?? There is this battle going on between wanting to speak and not having a clue how. Truly , for some things there are no words. I say I can't ever be hurt like that again. And the word is said and I freeze, I absolutely freeze shaking my head of coarse that is what I mean. I can say that word, I can write that word but dealing with that 13 year old, there are no words, just silence. Somehow that word becomes a death sentence and I can only shake my head.
Right now the things I am experiencing feels like a death sentence. I feel the darkness that she lives in creeping in and its terrifying. There is such a darkness to that time, and there are so many parts and pieces that I still don't understand and don't know that I ever will. I am trying to save her and myself in the same breath and I don't know if its working.
I heart your heart.
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