The day a shower was a shower

 This morning when I took a shower it was just a shower .  There were no flashbacks, no body memories but there were oh so many thoughts. The pictures and memories were all there but it seemed so different. Thoughts, so many thoughts about the things that happened thoughts about why I think the things that I do.  Thoughts that explain so much; about the entire experience. That day in the shower that my life changed forever.  My mind is still spinning and there are so many things to get out and I am not sure that I can type fast enough and they are so equally important that I don't want to forget.  

Today was the first time in a long time; I can't even tell you how long that I was physically present in the shower.  I felt the water, saw my hands turn to prunes and remember that shower all those years ago when I was so brutally raped.  

I even said the words and I don't take that lightly. Those words are more than hard to say to get out but today it was a very real clear thought, different than ever before.  I think the reason that I can't say those words that I can't feel them make them my own is because I am too busy making excuses too busy blaming myself.  I can't let those words fit me because I was the whore, I was the one who had done this life terribly wrong to deserve such evilness.  That is huge,  because I can write them knowing in my heart the heavy truth that is there but my heart still so much wants to feel strong and in control. I believe that it was my choices that caused those things. If it was my choices then there is still something that can be done to change it make it better; still something that I can fight and take back.  

I saw and remembered the pictures and somehow today that being present,  and having an awareness about all those years ago are two things that I am not sure that there are words for but I am desperately trying.  Because as I felt the hot water on this cold morning and remembering how hot that Don had turned the water, and trying so hard to move and get away. My thoughts going to the place trying to excuse and wanting to explain the memories.  Like the water going cold.  Today I stood in the hot water thinking does it matter how long that he was there,  he was there until there was no more hot water and it had turned cold.  I stood there in the warm water today and there was no need to explain the how and why.  The only need was that girl so brutally broken that was trying to do whatever she could to survive.  So much was taken but still there were good parts left.  I haven't been able to see those parts or even acknowledged they existed. 

Today as I took a shower it was so much about surviving and so much les about what he did.  For so long I have focused on those things staying away from the person underneath because I can layer on the excuses better than anyone I know.  Today there were no excuses just a girl trying to take a shower and things destroyed by a man that never saw a person.  Today I stood in the shower fully present, remembering with no excuse, no damaging words to that girl just a sense of awe that we ever survived.  This is what I want to hold onto and move forward.  This is where the healing comes. So much less about what was done, and more about the person that I was then and I am now.  I felt like I have held a part of myself today that I  have never wanted to acknowledge. 

I heart your heart