I want to understand, I want the things that are so sharp that stab my heart to dull and lessen. I want to learn so much, I want to understand I want to believe in myself and not all the words that I still hear in my head.
I watched Dear Evan Hansen the other night and I loved it. I saw myself in so many different parts. I was the loner, I was the one with no friends. I was always that one girl looking in at everyone. I was that girl that didn't want to live anymore. I always felt more than different, I didn't belong anywhere, I avoided the cafeteria and would go to the library. Not exactly the high school experience that everyone dreams about. I was afraid all the time. I would even tell people if I went to the restroom, and was gone too long to come looking for me. I was never noticed and seen. Even when the most unimaginable things happened, Callahan just had to keep going pretend that things were fine. I was the clean up specialist I had to pretend that somehow my soul was still in tact when really; I was barely holding on and I wanted it all to stop.
There was a song in the movie that I have not been able to get out of my head.
When your falling in the forest and there's nobody around do you ever really crash or even make a sound.
When your falling in the forest and there's nobody around do you ever really crash or even make a sound.
Did I even make a sound ? Did I even make a sound ?
It's like I never made a sound, Will I ever make a sound ?
Those lines , those lines are exactly what I feel with all that happened to me and nothing was ever cared for or acknowledged. And I question was it that bad ? Was I worth anything that not one person cared, not one person helped me. I was left to deal with everything.
I keep asking the questions, and wondering why I was left so alone to take care of everything on my own. What happened to me never meant anything. I was just an attention seeking girl who was lying. I just wanted attention, that is insane but if those people knew me at all they would have known that was the last thing that I ever wanted. I have this need for what happened to me to matter to make a difference and I am not sure what that means, what do I have to do for those things to matter, those things that are all that I have ever known are so much a part of who I am and I have to find meaning and purpose.
I risk being needy for a second, but no ones world stopped for me. There are many days that I want to scream at the world to slow down and please wait for me until I feel better. I want someone's world to stop and hold me and acknowledge the awful terrible things that have happened to me, wipe my tears and tell me its going to be ok. . I want to be so important that someone's world stops and helps me feel better. I missed so much having to be so responsible and picking up after everyone else. My entire world, was so violent and hurtful and not one person stopped to listen or care. The care I got was Calvin's hug, Dr. Culpepper listening to me and patting my leg, and the ER DR when he gently touched my leg. Just those three little things that meant the world. I want to be able to let that go, I want to be able to say No, I was not listened to or cared for but the woman that I am today survived that, the woman that I am today is a survivor and is brave and strong. She is a fighter and even doing things on her own, even on those worst days when she wanted nothing more than to give up she didn't. There are times that I just don't want to have to carry this alone anymore. I want to feel strong and brave, somewhere in my head those are things meant for other people.
Those lines Did I even make a sound ? It's like I never made a sound and I wonder why I wasn't worth more, that no one cared or heard my screams and my cries. I want those things to matter but, No one noticed me at all, not the bruises not the dark circles. No one noticed that I was scared of the world, they just said oh she is so mature and would laugh, Like there was any other way for me to be. I was just labeled as a weirdo, and so much of that I still carry as I am desperately trying to heal all these wounds that no one ever acknowledged. All these years later I am still paying for all those things that they did and I feel so completely embarrassed and ashamed of all the things that happened. I feel like a burden, I am too heavy, too damaged. I want nothing more than to move on, and there are parts of me that feel so trapped because the burden of that past is carried in my heart each and every day. There are parts of me living back there and they don't even know its over, that we have survived. I want so many things to feel different, and I feel like my need to scream and get it all out is useless because I open my mouth and do I really even make a sound ?
I heart your heart
No comments:
Post a Comment