I want to be able to speak the things that have happened to me without crumbling under the weight of shame that is a constant. I want to be able to say those things and feel proud and brave that I survived them. Instead I feel embarrassed and oh so gross, somehow those words make me so much less than and I feel that in my bones. I have this picture in my head , of the moment that things all come together for me and I finally feel some peace. I struggle with the things that were done to me and somehow that makes me less of a person. I am embarrassed and ashamed of so much and I have found nothing to lessen that sting. There are moments that I think, these people would never come close if they knew what I had done. I struggle with the fact that at such a young age I knew things that should never have been known. I struggle I just knew what to do. I struggle that I was so aware. There are times I wish that I could wake up and not remember a thing. Sometimes I wonder if feeling free and brave is an option for me. I work so hard trying. I work so hard trying to understand and figure things out in my head. I feel like I am in new territory and there are so many things to figure out and find a place for. I see those moments of brave in people and I think that is what I want, someday I am going to find my very own moment instead of watching everyone else's trying to figure out what I am doing wrong . I live in the middle of what happened to me all these years later and its exhausting. I am 46 and still in the middle of so much trying to live in the moment if that isn't confusing. There are pieces of me back there terrified and broken just as much as I am here today a teacher and mother. Some days the back there wins and somedays I can be here in the present. Lately it seems the back there is winning, and I must work harder to find that strong and brave.
I think once again this is attached to so much shame ! I want to feel clean and that is something that I am not sure is meant for me. It's really hard to describe, there are times I so much need and want a hug and feel like I am too unclean. Like who would want to do that with all that has been done. I don't get comfort, I don't get that reassurance often that I am not such a gross and disgusting person. I hug my little guys at work, but for me to get a hug. I get a hug once a week. And there are many times I don't want to let go like can't I just be safe and ok being me just for a little while longer, even a few seconds. I have worked so hard to battle gross and disgusting and I feel its coming back with everything that it is. I can never imagine getting married, being a wife when I am so unclean and used. Those things feel so very foreign. To feel like an outsider in your own skin, to not even want to be there and not having any other way to live that is a dilemma that I face all day every day. I wonder if even for a day I could be in someone else's skin that doesn't know all the has been taken from me. All the ways I have been used can I feel different , would being in clean skin make me feel worthy and full of life ? I am not sure I know what this would feel like, buts its something I imagine is so very freeing, feeling clean in your own skin. Yes, I want that.
I want to be proud.
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