Two choices

 I was at a loss tonight. I kept saying over and over I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!! I am working so hard, and I feel like I should know, I should have words, and be able to move beyond this.  What happened to me at 13 is unimaginable. I hold it in this faraway place as some kind of proof that it happened. I hold it far away for fear that it will destroy me. This thing still feels like it has the power to destroy me. I am and will do everything I can to help that spunky, sweet 13-year-old girl. I feel like there are 2 choices. Letting her sit and catch her breath, I hold this swirling, violent sphere of darkness and everything awful. I spend all this energy trying to keep this blackness away from her; if I hold it as something precious, it allows her to breathe easily, but does it really help her?  In my mind, somewhere letting it go. It feels like it doesn't matter like she was just a little slut begging for attention. I wish there was a way for me to understand why I hold it the way I do and why this untouchable, all-ending thing that has already happened still has the capacity to destroy me? 

It's this heavy chain that is attached to everything. It's the same in so many ways and so different in so many more. I don't understand it or the power that it still has over me. It terrifies me.  I always talk about the ending of KPAX, and I am terrified that sometimes breaking that bubble and bringing it closer will destroy me. As strong as I am, to this day, those people still have the control to take everything away that I worked so hard for.  We have already survived it, and somehow, it feels like we won't. I worry all the time, that this is the thing that is going to break me, that is going to prove to be something too big that it just going to have to stay far away.  There is a numb feeling because feeling brings it closer, and bringing it closer feels like a darkness that I would not survive. 

I got stuck in a place trying to heal this piece and wanted to just move on.  I crave the freedom of it not being important anymore, and at the same time, there is so much doubt that is even a possibility. I worry all the time that this may be a piece that will remain an open wound. It could be one of those things that is too deep and too dark to be able to find a place of freedom.  I am in a place where I want to fight, and I am also in a place where it seems insurmountable that I will ever be free. I know I am not there anymore, but my body and mind remember as if it were yesterday.  I am struggling.  I want so much to move on, and to do that, I can't leave this part of me behind.  Do I keep fighting, or do I accept that this is one of the unhealable things? It could be entirely too big.  Maybe I just care for Spunky in all the ways she was never cared for and hold on to that tiny hope that someday she will be ready.  If that is the case, I hope that as I continue to move forward, I will be in a place ready and willing to help her when she is ready. I will forever be there for her and never leave her behind.  There also comes a time when I have to move forward.  There are things in this world that I never imagined that are right in front of me.  I must move on, and I need her to accompany me. I need her to be a part of the me that I am today, and that has come so very far.  We, her and I, have to do this because we both deserved so much better than what we got.