I wish that I had an understanding, a reason why. I see it all the time as a teacher. Those kids who are picked on when they are little are often the same ones who continue to be picked on and perceived as different throughout their entire lives. I have seen it so many times, and it's sad. It's sad, and I understand this more than I wished because I am one of those people. I think about it more on special occasions and holidays. I am not invited or included in special celebrations. There is always that, why? What is it about me that makes me uninvitable? I have always understood that people have their own lives and families; I get it. Well, it's just my little family and me; we don't have anyone else. Never, on any holiday, are we included or invited. Never once on a holiday does someone think to ask if we are ok. We do all of them on our own. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and the Fourth of July. Among all the special events throughout the year, there is just us.
It was less noticeable when the kids were small. I made each and every one of those days special, and I made sure that every holiday was celebrated to the fullest. Special meals, special decorations, big dinners. Now that they are getting older, Vincent has his own family, and things are more than different. Mariska works most holidays, Vincent is with his family, and then there is me. Not a single person checks in, and there is no hello. There are no picnics or barbecues. There are no big dinners, with lots of laughing and sharing. There are no invitations for any kind of celebration, and it makes my heart ache.
What is it about those people who are picked on and seen as different that makes them so hard to include? I know I am different; I get quiet, I have strong opinions, and I see the world differently. My differences have never been celebrated. My differences have never been a good thing. I even got a picture in Hobby Lobby that is perfect for this situation.
Being excluded can be hard, and it becomes especially so as my children grow up. Over the last few years, things have been changing. I don't want to make these huge dinners for two people. I don't want to get all excited and be the only one who is. So it's complicated and challenging. And I am so tired of doing things alone. I will take Mariska to work, then come home on this Fourth of July and clean up around the house, do some homework, scroll through my phone, and wait for the day to be over. I am tired of being the one who always reaches out; it would be nice for others to reach out, check on me, and invite me sometimes. I may not be that person. I just wish that I knew why.
I hear the chime of my phone going off, and I look; it's just another notification for some kind of Fourth of July sale - nothing about happy Fourth, how are you, or are you doing anything? I just need to turn it off; I don't need any more reminders. I don't need any reminders that it's me, just me, on this day.
I heart your heart.
