Unrelenting Emptyness

 

There are just some things in life that, when a person doesn't get them, create an unrelenting emptiness that affects absolutely everything. I am going to struggle with that for my entire life. As hard as I work, as much as I fight, there are these pieces that just don't fit.  These are pieces that create an emptiness everywhere in everything that I do. I am different; I don't fit in, and these parts of me just don't go anywhere; they don't fit. 

I am just struggling more lately than I have in a long time, and things are going right in all the best ways. It's a crazy sad that I can't get out of.  And I just don't understand all that I am feeling. There is this emptiness, this feeling of not being enough of being a bother, a pest. I can't get out of my own way, and there isn't enough of me to do all that I need to do. 

I even went to meet with a friend today, and it was not at all what I expected. I was not ok and wanted a connection.  She was on her phone, taking a call, and working on a paper. All things that don't need to get done there in that moment. I have so many things that I could be doing, and I felt like nothing sitting there in front of her. Everything was more important.

Everything is making me angry, and everything is making me sad. What is a person supposed to do with that? I want to scream, hit my head to feel anything other than what I feel right now. I don't want to eat, I don't want anything other than to disappear. Sometimes I just feel more than invisible, and it's such an empty feeling. No matter what I do, there is this incredible longing for something else. This week I am on break, and I can't even relax and do nothing. There is always something to do, always something that needs my time. Even when I just sit, the need to be productive and accomplish something is huge. So much unrest that I can't wrap my brain around. I sit here wanting so badly to type and get it all out in the hopes that the feeling will subside, but there are no right words, there are no right pictures. It's a place that is hollow and lacking in so many things that I don't even have a clue where to start. I am just not ok right now, and I want to be more than anything. SO I am pretending, trying to keep going and do everything that is needed right now, but goodness, I am spent. Absolutely utterly spent.