Oh, I am in the strangest part of my life right now. So many things are going as I have always wanted them to, and there are parts of me that are sadder than they have ever been. I don't even know what to write or how to say the things that are spinning in every inch of my soul. It's a weaving of all the things, new and old, that are making me who I am today. I sit here wishing I had the right words to give me some kind of relief. I stare at this picture and think I am healing all the parts of me that deserved so much better, but today I feel an emptiness that I just don't understand. My heart hurts more today than it has in a long time. That feeling of wanting to curl up in a ball, that loneliness, oh, the loneliness, that will not leave me alone. When good things happen, there is no soft place to land. When I am too tired to cry, to make dinner, or even to take a shower, there is no one to ask if I am doing ok or if there is anything I need. I don't want to do everything on my own. There is a more profound realisation of everything I have missed.
A deeper understanding of all that I never received in this life of mine. An anger at the people around me who had a job to do and chose to look the other way. A rage that no one stepped up to keep me safe. I look at my sweet, amazing Ms Amelia, and my heart glows; she is everything that I have fought for. There is a presence with her. When we laugh, when she looks at me with those big brown eyes, we say a thousand words to each other, yet there is no sound. She is going to have the most fantastic life, with so many people to support her; that is such a gift.
I am certain this has been the most challenging semester of my entire career. Each week, I had new experiences and situations to overcome. I have come so far and grown more than I imagined. As an individual, as a professional, as a human who wants more out of others. I find myself getting frustrated with other students in the field, who have not lived life and say things so callous and unkind. I struggle with the fact that others don't take being in a master's program very seriously; their words and actions are something I don't want to be a part of. There is a lack of professionalism that makes me want to scream. The problem is that they don't even know that they are doing it. I am far from perfect, I am sure that I will make millions of mistakes, but there is a particular awareness that makes me different. The life that I have lived, the experiences that I have had. So much revolves around Spunky lately. There is a quiet kind of respect for her and all that she has suffered. I understand where she is, but I want her with me more than anything. I am coming to know why she is the way she is, but there is a heaviness with that; she deserved so much better. I want her to find breathing easy and a freedom that allows her to dance with the wind, purely because she can. I want to be her safe place to call home, to feel, to cry, to be present in all the little moments of joy that we have always found solace in.
I am figuring out my next steps in this life, the loneliness is ever-present, and I am not sure why. A loneliness that I have always known, that I was able to pretend was how things were supposed to be. Today, I just want more. Once again, I think that Spunky is a massive piece of that. To share my goals, my accomplishments, and all that I want for myself. I want there to be someone when the doubt wins, to remind me how far I have come, and I am not even close to being done yet. There are a lot of tears, and I mean oceans full. Some are happy, some are pure joy, and then some fall at the drop of a hat. It's the time of year, it's all the feelings, it's the exhaustion, it's the pain of all that never will be and all that I never imagined. So much, this heart of mine, someday maybe someone can hold it gently and know all of who I am, and love me with all that they are.
That, that right there, those words. Those are the things that are truer than true that I feel with every fiber of my being. It's a strange place to be, a place that is awkward, difficult, and even confusing. I am better off than I have ever been, and there is a weight on my being, my soul, that I don't understand. There are parts of me that are so ok, that are healed. Parts that are happy and can find joy. Parts and pieces that I have worked so hard on. I have cried, processed, and talked about them until they no longer made me ache.
Then there are the unhealed things that still hurt that I don't have words for, that can literally steal the air in my lungs at the mere thought of them. The things that make me want to crawl into a hole, the things that I wish there was some kind of magic pill for, that would make them non-existent. These are the things that I would do anything for them not to be mine. I want those things to be anything but what they are. The things that still bring nightmares, and memories that bring me to a time when the world was dark.
Then there are the healing parts, the parts that long for something better, that keep fighting for what was always ours, we just never knew it. I think I will be here for the rest of my life. There is no end, no magic moment that will make everything anything other than what it is. This is the part that longs for those counseling appointments, for that connection, for the understanding of everything that is held in my heart. Why do I react the way that I do? Why do I panic and cry at the most minor things? Why can I be thrown back to the past by things that others don't even blink an eye at?
Maybe this is just the life of a survivor, trying to find a balance between all three. I am healed, Healing, and unhealed all at once. Some days more of one than the other. Some days all healed, some days nothing is healing, and I am broken to the bone. Some days I feel like I am on top of the world, and yet the next day I am trying to play catch-up. Some days I can remember and everything is ok, other days I remember and just want someone to tell me I am not as awful as I feel. In all three I keep fighting hoping that someday, all the things that hurt won't hurt anymore.
