Heartburnings

 

Oh, I am in the strangest part of my life right now.  So many things are going as I have always wanted them to, and there are parts of me that are sadder than they have ever been. I don't even know what to write or how to say the things that are spinning in every inch of my soul. It's a weaving of all the things, new and old, that are making me who I am today. I sit here wishing I had the right words to give me some kind of relief. I stare at this picture and think I am healing all the parts of me that deserved so much better, but today I feel an emptiness that I just don't understand. My heart hurts more today than it has in a long time. That feeling of wanting to curl up in a ball, that loneliness, oh, the loneliness, that will not leave me alone. When good things happen, there is no soft place to land. When I am too tired to cry, to make dinner, or even to take a shower, there is no one to ask if I am doing ok or if there is anything I need. I don't want to do everything on my own. There is a more profound realisation of everything I have missed.

A deeper understanding of all that I never received in this life of mine. An anger at the people around me who had a job to do and chose to look the other way. A rage that no one stepped up to keep me safe. I look at my sweet, amazing Ms Amelia, and my heart glows; she is everything that I have fought for. There is a presence with her. When we laugh, when she looks at me with those big brown eyes, we say a thousand words to each other, yet there is no sound. She is going to have the most fantastic life, with so many people to support her; that is such a gift. 

I am certain this has been the most challenging semester of my entire career. Each week, I had new experiences and situations to overcome. I have come so far and grown more than I imagined. As an individual, as a professional, as a human who wants more out of others. I find myself getting frustrated with other students in the field, who have not lived life and say things so callous and unkind. I struggle with the fact that others don't take being in a master's program very seriously; their words and actions are something I don't want to be a part of. There is a lack of professionalism that makes me want to scream. The problem is that they don't even know that they are doing it. I am far from perfect, I am sure that I will make millions of mistakes, but there is a particular awareness that makes me different. The life that I have lived, the experiences that I have had. So much revolves around Spunky lately.  There is a quiet kind of respect for her and all that she has suffered. I understand where she is, but I want her with me more than anything. I am coming to know why she is the way she is, but there is a heaviness with that; she deserved so much better.  I want her to find breathing easy and a freedom that allows her to dance with the wind, purely because she can. I want to be her safe place to call home, to feel, to cry, to be present in all the little moments of joy that we have always found solace in. 

I am figuring out my next steps in this life, the loneliness is ever-present, and I am not sure why. A loneliness that I have always known, that I was able to pretend was how things were supposed to be. Today, I just want more.   Once again, I think that Spunky is a massive piece of that. To share my goals, my accomplishments, and all that I want for myself. I want there to be someone when the doubt wins, to remind me how far I have come, and I am not even close to being done yet. There are a lot of tears, and I mean oceans full.  Some are happy, some are pure joy, and then some fall at the drop of a hat. It's the time of year, it's all the feelings, it's the exhaustion, it's the pain of all that never will be and all that I never imagined. So much, this heart of mine, someday maybe someone can hold it gently and know all of who I am, and love me with all that they are.  

Somewhere, somehow, someday. 

I heart your heart.