Healed Unhealed and healing all at once

 

That, that right there, those words. Those are the things that are truer than true that I feel with every fiber of my being. It's a strange place to be, a place that is awkward, difficult, and even confusing. I am better off than I have ever been, and there is a weight on my being, my soul, that I don't understand. There are parts of me that are so ok, that are healed. Parts that are happy and can find joy.  Parts and pieces that I have worked so hard on. I have cried, processed, and talked about them until they no longer made me ache. 

Then there are the unhealed things that still hurt that I don't have words for, that can literally steal the air in my lungs at the mere thought of them. The things that make me want to crawl into a hole, the things that I wish there was some kind of magic pill for, that would make them non-existent. These are the things that I would do anything for them not to be mine. I want those things to be anything but what they are. The things that still bring nightmares, and memories that bring me to a time when the world was dark. 

Then there are the healing parts, the parts that long for something better, that keep fighting for what was always ours, we just never knew it. I think I will be here for the rest of my life. There is no end, no magic moment that will make everything anything other than what it is.  This is the part that longs for those counseling appointments, for that connection, for the understanding of everything that is held in my heart. Why do I react the way that I do? Why do I panic and cry at the most minor things?  Why can I be thrown back to the past by things that others don't even blink an eye at? 

Maybe this is just the life of a survivor, trying to find a balance between all three. I am healed, Healing, and unhealed all at once. Some days more of one than the other. Some days all healed, some days nothing is healing, and I am broken to the bone. Some days I feel like I am on top of the world, and yet the next day I am trying to play catch-up. Some days I can remember and everything is ok, other days I remember and just want someone to tell me I am not as awful as I feel. In all three I keep fighting hoping that someday, all the things that hurt won't hurt anymore. 

I heart your heart