Sometimes there are moments when things become so clear. Last week was one of those moments for me. I felt closer to spunky than I ever have, and honestly, the feeling hasn't really left. I feel like we are on each side of the wall, extending our hands and holding on for dear life. Who knows what the journey ahead of us is, but together, there is a knowing that we can accomplish anything. I have this picture in my head of what it looks like, this old, broken, crumbling wall, one of us on each side, but we are both reaching for each other. We can't look each other in the eye not yet but there is a connection that is strong and undeniable that has never been there before.
She is scared of me, and I am scared of her yet we both know that we need each other on this journey. I know that there are things she holds and there are things that I hold. I do think that there are times, we wonder if we will make it. I know that that there are things that she doesn't have words for and that is ok. Piece by piece little by little I am sure that she will tell me everything, and I will do the same. The parts she remembers are horrific and the things I remember are just as bad but together, with all that I am we can tell each other everything and still be ok.
There are pieces of us that have been hiding in the dark our entire lives, and I know that we are both incredibly tired of hiding, of becoming small of shrinking because our story is different. We have pieces that have never been seen for fear of being hated, being seen as something other than, as something that doesn't really belong.
In a sense we don't belong, the lives that we have lived few can imagine and yet here we are. We have built our own way. We have suffered, we have lived, I have even found joy in the unimaginable, and it's time that she do the same. So here we are. At a space of great change that feels more right than it ever has. So for this time, this place this moment. This just this.
The Wall Between Us
There was a wall —
not built, but born
from all the words we have never said.
It cracked with silence,
crumbled with time,
but still it stood.
I reached for you
through every jagged breath
of broken stone and memory.
Your fingers,
just a breath away,
trembled like mine.
We touched —
not skin,
but sorrow sadness and immense pain.
Not warmth,
but the echo of it.
The wall did not fall.
It watched.
It remembered. It holds all that we can't say.
It held the shape of our longing
like a wound that never heals.
And though we are finding our way, we are moving on,
though the seasons changed, people left
that wall still remains —
a monument to almost,
to what could not be,
to the ache that still reaches in all that we do.
But we have each other, closer than ever
I promise to tell you everything, even if it keeps you awake
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