My 39th November

Well what I really want to say is a whole bunch of not nice words that would all come out at the same time and be so ugly my head would spin,  my eyes would roll , and people would not believe the things that I have been holding inside. That just is not my heart.  My mother and my brother have come close to squeezing the life out of me, and honestly the things that I have to say; they would not hear. They just simply incapable.  One guy was reading a story in my lit class and the line was "They couldn't find their ass-hole in an outhouse"  and I thought that was totally hysterical and then I thought that is so my family ! They can not see the person that I am, they don't see my heart.  They are so wrapped in their world, it is scary. They are all that matters.  So for as much as it hurts to not be supported by your family, as much as it hurts to be shrugged off, as much as it hurts that there is no compassion I am going to have to learn that's who they are. And LET GO.  I am going to have to let go.  I do not like the people that they are, they are of weak character and I won't be surrounded by people like that.  I can not be around people that smush my heart and don't look back.  I can not be around people that say things like well we thought it was best....it was crushing to be left out.

Last time I told them what I thought and how I was hurt when my brother was 30 minutes away and didn't call didn't see me or the kids and they didn't care...then they did it again two weeks later going to the Sate fair not calling us or inviting us to go and then showing my children the pictures....How cruel.  Why would they do that ?  Makes me so very sad and I have not spoken the words to my children, but in my head I promise next year I will take my children to the state fair myself.

When my car wouldn't start there was no response, no kindness she told me to ask about places in the area, I asked what I needed to do there was silence she honestly doesn't care, there is nothing for me...no feeling...its nothingness, thats the only word that I can think of to even begin to explain it ...I could walk to Denton and she would not even give me a second thought. The lack of any feeling for me is mind boggling, I keep saying but I haven't done anything wrong. My brain so badly wants to understand. My heart wants to scream at them, do they care how they are treating me ?    I haven't done anything wrong !!!!!  But that doesn't seem to matter because I can't and won't give her the attention that she wants so I have become the worst of the worst.

But I have been Blessed. Beyond words.  Beyond my understanding.

I had people telling me places to get my car looked at, I had people asking if I was OK.  I had people offering their cars for me.  Telling me that I could use their vehicle if I needed too! I had people offering their family to look at my car, I had people sitting with me while I got the oil changed, I had people helping me, that cared, that were doing what they could to help for that I am so very thankful. It was an overwhelming few days.  When people are supposed to be your family treat you like an outsider, yet people around me were being so kind going out of their way to help me that were not my family; WOW those are the people that matter that I want to spend my time with. These are the people that I want to be around and laugh and share with.

On this year my 39th November, things are so very different.  I am a different person in a different place.  Next week is Thanksgiving  and I will not be spending it with my family.  I can not smile and pretend that I am fine, I will not smile and cook dinner and be thankful with people that are not kind that do not include me.  I will not be around people that speak words like knives then give the person they were speaking about a hug. I will miss the drive to see my brother because I love road trips.  I will miss my brother and I laughing like crazy because that's what we do. I will miss my mothers stuffing, I will miss picking at the turkey, as soon as it comes out of the oven.  My children will not get to see their uncle for the first thanksgiving in their life. I will not drive to Victoria, where there is no support, no caring, and no respect.  I can not go there and be thankful, I will not go there and deal with the words that aren't said and the looks that could kill and the pretending that we are all glad to be there, One big happy family. I will not go there everyone ignoring the BIG PINK ELEPHANT.


So on this 39th year in my life on this thanksgiving, my heart will be a little sad, but my heart will be so full spent with caring, love, thankfulness and and a true spirit of kindness and joy and that is where my family wants to be. I might cry a little because cry is what I do. But I am going to meet new people,  I am going to try new things.  I am going to help serve meals and know that I could be one of those people,  I am going to go to the nutcracker with friends who call me family, I am going to decorate until this house shines like the top of the Chrysler building, with happiness and lights. And my nutcrackers, are going to be in the middle of every joy this season.  And I am going to sit in front of that beautiful tree with some hot tea, friends and be thankful. Thankful for all that I have in my life right in this very moment. This is the week that I was meant to have, this is the week that  I have right now in front of me.  This is the week that I have a little break from school and the kids and I are going to enjoy it. Every second, every moment . I am going to be grateful that I live with AN AMAZING FAMILY, and an amazing woman that I can look to who is more than an inspiration, I can call her my friend.  I am where I am supposed to be and though my heart hurts there is more gratefulness and thanksgiving than you can even imagine.

I heart your heart.  May your Thanksgiving be filled with people that make you feel loved and be thankful my Friends, be very thankful.



ME

My very own little earthquake

Yes something as simple as a lock was my very own little earthquake last night.  It usually is the simple things with me, isn't it? My very own little realization.  Its the little things that hurt that most, that dig at my heart like a knife. The things that you realize years later that have hurt your heart more now then they did at the time.  It was one of those moments.  I went to pick the kids up from my mothers house and noticed that there were new locks on the front door.  A new handle a new dead bolt.  Well when we lived there the dead bolt never worked, and she didn't much seem to care.  I shrugged it off just another thing that doesn't make sense to me she never cared before and then decides to fix it, when we are gone ? Out of the house? I don't understand.  Then Vincent was in tears that a project that he worked really hard on was in pieces in the garage on the floor.  I told him it was OK and to go open the garage and get it.  It was pouring I was exhausted, I had been at school all day it was close to 7, the kids had not eaten; I was done for the day.  My heart was already beating out of my chest; being near that house makes me want to run anyway.  But the code didn't work, he had to go back to the front door and have her open the garage from in the house.  My heart sank really why would she change the code ? I had thought she did another time and blew it off tonight there was no blowing it off, it was real.  I bought that garage door opener so the house would be safe; so no random person could open the garage and get in the house.  And she has changed the code on me ?  Why ?  What was the point ?  And changing the locks on the front door ?  She did that when my brother was a druggie ?  Why for me and the kids what in the world did I do ?  I would never go in her house with out her knowing, I just didn't understand ? I don't want anything that she has and what I do want she can never give me so what exactly is the POINT ?  Does she even have one ?

At first I was angry,more than angry. Why would she do all these things after we left like somehow it didn't matter when we were there ?  All of the sudden she is caring about the house and what it looks like and what is around and I don't understand.  So many things started running through my head, then  it was like a knife through my heart and I stopped breathing for a few seconds......We were at a red light and the only thought in my head....

We moved out she changed the locks, changed the code to get into the garage.  YET the house was broken into when  I was growing up and I was raped and not a thing was done. Not a fucking thing.  That is what hurt, that was the sting of a million stings. 

This is where my attitude of unforgivness, disrespect for her and my disobedience come in.... And she wonders WHY ?  

I seriously almost was laughing between all the tears on the way home, she changes the locks on me when the kids and i move out yet when I was assaulted nothing was done. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING.  I can hear my fathers words still so very clear " well it doesn't look like anyone broke in" no jack ass probably because you gave them the key !, but that is besides the point.  Well OK then lets just pretend that everything is awesome then, Shall we, I mean who cares right ?!?!

And my head wouldn't stop repeating that over and over in my head.  I sometimes drive myself crazy with that stuff but it was a realization that was just unthinkable really, and of all the things I don't understand and will never understand there are still times I am completely and utterly amazed that I am even still a walking breathing human being. And i don't have a clue how I have even made it this far.

So for me there was not much sleep last night, So many things running around in my head, all of them wanting to get out to be released.  There are storms in my brain that I can't even put words to.  Soon this storm will pass, but today its raging.  And the thoughts are fast and furious

That Thought.   That wretched thought. Unimaginable. How dare her.....


We moved out she changed the locks, changed the code to get into the garage. YET the house was broken into when I was growing up and I was raped and not a thing was done. Not a fucking thing. That is what hurt, that was the sting of a million stings.

I feel like there are more and more things that are pointing to a total break from her.  I am relieved the semester is almost over and they will not have to stay with her.  I will not have to see her and be uncomfortable, I will not have to worry about her being inappropriate with my kids, or making little jabs at me .

I am trying so very hard to focus on the blessings and be grateful but this morning I heard the words,

 

 A silver lining sometimes isn't enough
To make some wrongs seem right.

 

And there is nothing absolutely nothing that can ever make this wrong right.

 

Here is the song, thanks for being a part of my story

 

I heart your heart.

Stitches

This could not be more perfect right now.  I want to cry everyday and am so grateful for the things that I do have in my life. 

I have been waiting on an appointment for some time and I got an email saying

I have not forgotten about you.

And that of coarse made me cry.

The other day,   she said to me I am so glad you are here, I don't think I tell you that often enough.

And my heart smiled. I matter.

This weekend an amazing group of women, filled a food pantry and I got to help. 

Such an experience. I found a piece of PEACE.

It was so awesome.  But the last few moments with momma`were the best.   

She stood there her hand on her heart and said" I don't think I want to go in there and see"

I asked her why, putting my hand on my shoulder, and she mentioned with her fingers down her face 

that she would cry. And tears began to fill her eyes.

 And my tears began, the kind that just come and I told her that it was ok.

She went on to say what a blessing it was, that she asked for what she needed and she got it.

I don't have a faith like that

life has often not been kind for me but I am most grateful for the things I have, the great kindnesses

that I have right this moment in my life.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner.

I am trying to balance the sadnesses and the blessings.

Of being invited for dinner and football and dancing with the Wii , with

kind kind kind kind kind people 

to not being welcomed or wanted by people who call themseves family

yes a very confusing time.

So many blessings, So many sadnesses, but yet more blessing.

There is not one thing I can change about right now.

I will be most grateful for each kindnesss.

 

I can be thankful for that.