Everything and nothing

I would like to know how a person does it how do you survive, how do you get over it how do you go on always remembering, always feeling their hands, always always seeing the pictures in your head.  I spend my life fighting, trying to recover to get better and some days it truly feels worthless, because nothing I do is going to make it go away. Is it better than it was a few years ago absolutely but at times like this when little rest full sleep is had and there seems to be triggers no matter which way that you look it is more than hard and its a place that most people can not explain, that I can not explain  so what does a person do ? What does a person do when they are stuck in the in between.  When they do not feel heard or understood.  When their experience is in a book, when its so much more complicated than that.  It's more than just standing up straight and being OK, its more than just get out there and meet people, its so much more than that , so much more !!!

Because it puts you in a place that you really can not talk about what you think and feel because others will not understand and would totally think that you are insane.  So what does a person do ?  IN these moments I realize just how alone that a person can be .  I fight because that is what I know how to do.  You fight you keep going.  I am just not so ok right now, and I desperately want to be.  People expect me to be under all the things that I feel and with my life being a single mom, I can't crumble under all that is going on , I can't just curl up in a ball but believe me I would love to, there are days when really that is all I truly want to do. And yet I can't.  I can not stop, But this picture this picture says it all what its like carrying around all the things that I have seen and experienced in my lifetime.  I carry each picture, each memory,  and right now its crushing.  I am trying to be strong, to be fight, to be prepared, but I am not sure that I am really.

I am at a place where everything is ok on the outside, but nothing is ok on the inside.  And I feel it getting worse.  And I am not sure that people understand really, they see the me that smiles and does everything that I need to, but in those moments when it's me, I am a mess and am more than sad.  It's not dwelling because I keep going keep fighting keep doing things trying to get better, trying to understand where I am, and I just don't.

People tell me that God will take care of me.  And truly that makes me angry, I have cried out to him, and I hear nothing back, and I am left in this alone sad place.  I have asked for someone to stay, to help and yet I am still on my own.  No, I don't believe that even God can fix me.  I am grateful for the things that he has given, but maybe this part I have to do on my own.

I don't have a clue what to do now.  Everything is fine I have a job I love; I have a house, I have enough money for my bills, a car that works I have amazing awesome kids and there is a sad, there is something that I can't put words to, there is something that wants to pull away from everyone because really what's the point?  People want me being more social getting out there and I am dragging my heels oh sure get attached and they are going to leave.  I know that is a part of life, that leaving is just a fact people leave all the time but me and my life I need someone to stay, and My insides don't feel like I can handle any more leaving right now.

I am in this everything and nothing place and its more than frustrating, and I don't think people understand and I want that more than anything.  I want someone to understand, to get it and I want someone to push to challenge but that needs to come from a place of understanding.


Right now, from the outside everything looks perfect, everything should be ok, on the inside I am falling apart. Its all-old stuff and some things I know, and I know how to handle them, but it hurts.   There are feelings I can't explain, and even more feelings that I don't even know what they are.  SO right now, I am stuck between, everything and nothing.  I think of the nothing from the never-ending story and that is where I am I am hoping that the DR on Thursday can hear me and is able to make a difference, oh I hope so, because all that I have in this moment isn't enough.

I heart your heart