I don't want her to ask anymore

A few days ago  it hit me and today it feels different than it ever has before. Since I can remember I have been upset that my mother has never asked about the things that have happened to me, what was done, who they were and why.  I mean I am 40, just weeks from 41 and today it hit me harder than it ever has.

I don't want her to ask what happened to me anymore.

I am not sure when my views came to change.  Maybe I am just getting older, maybe its just time, maybe I don't even have a single clue  .  For some weeks, months even my mom has been trying, she is working on our relationship and it feels good; I am scared, but there is a peace at the same time.  I am Scared that once again I am going to be crushed but right now its what I have.  She is truly trying.  And I am truly grateful.

Given the past between the two of us any relationship is more than difficult; things that have been said that have been sharper then knives.  Things that have been said that I hear in my head like they were said yesterday.  But that voice is getting quieter, its still there but its different. Its a kinder, less harsh voice.  I used to want her to ask, to know the things that I lived through, to know why I was so freaking different, why I was always so afraid,  why I was the way that I was.  I wanted her to know and to understand.  I do think there are pieces she could heal in my heart, but at a cost that is just too great.  A cost that truly isn't worth it.  I am learning that as much as I long for people to truly understand the life that I have lived, its my story, I have walked it, and there is no humanly possible way for others to completely understand,  IT JUST ISN'T POSSIBLE.   Because if you haven't lived it you just don't know, words mean nothing; its just so much deeper than any words could explain.  The hurt, the betrayal, the shame all of it.

There is still a great need to be heard for people to do things different but with my mother there is a feeling like I have never known before.  I can't even put my finger on it, or give it a name really.  Is it forgiveness ?  I don't know, but I know that I can't go back.  I know that when we couldn't leave our room even for dinner she was there with dinner, or to take us out to eat.  When there was no one for the move, she stepped up.  I felt like she was fighting for us and it felt good.

I can not imagine the things that she feels in her heart for all the things that have happened, I can only imagine the things that I would feel.  And its purely terrifying.   I know that I am doing things different and been all the things that I never had to my own children.  There is still a great deal of hurt and I am sure that there will be a time and place to have some of those rough conversations but not right now.  Maybe never, because there is nothing we can do to go back and change things. We can only be here together now.

Now is the time to sit in the things that truly matter, to sit in the here and now and be grateful for the time, the company, the love of my mom.  It feels like its been forever since I had a mom and it feels good.  I fell like she is trying, she is learning about the person that I am today.

There was a point when someone asked if I was ready to say goodbye and be done and I was and I was at peace with that.  And I had to get to that point to get to where I find myself today.    There are pieces of me that I am not ready to share, pieces of my heart that are entirely too fragile to let her see, but its a work in progress.  We are both growing and learning. I think we have a long way to go but I also think we are exactly where we need to be.

My mom, I heart your heart.