There is no pill for this

You know the wizard of OZ when Dorothy is talking to the wizard, and she says, oh there is nothing for me in that bag.  Yea its like that there is no heart that someone can give me, there are no magic words, there is nothing in the world that is going to be able to make the pictures in my head go away.  There is no magic pill to take the flashbacks and images away, Nothing. There are things I can try EMDR  , which is a way for my brain to try and process the things I see differently. To try to get my brain to understand that the danger is over, that I am safe now.  The problem with that is that its expensive and finding someone who does this is difficult.  I am tired of people telling me that I just need to let it go,  believe me if it were that easy, I would have let go a very long time ago.  There are things that I just don't understand and as hard as I have fought, I feel like I should be ok, but the things that have happened are in my bones literally  they have a grasp on me, that is what PTSD is.  Its not that I am unwilling to let go , and I wish that there was a way for me to explain this to people.  How I am the things that I am afraid of, the why of some of the things that I do.  People don't understand and that is more than frustrating.  I keep everything together do everything that I am supposed to and the pictures play over and over.  The triggers are everywhere at times, songs, smells, feelings, and I never know when they are going to come. Sometimes I sit with them hoping there is going to be some kind of answer, I should know by now that there are no answers, but I keep trying.There is nothing to take the pictures the memories in my head, NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING.

People have said I just need to be more social,  that is going to fix everything.  It is not.  I understand that I often stay back and stay away from people. Part of that is just who I am.  People have been dangerous my entire life.  And I hear people say less than 5 % of people are actually dangerous, I hear that but for me its the opposite, in my own experience,  its the other 95% that is dangerous and its that 5 percent that I can trust, because that is my experience in life.  That is my experience, and that doesn't just go away,  I am trying working hard but its more difficult than you can possibly imagine!   People have said, well I just made the decision , to be different.  That is great and I am glad that it worked for you, being social causing more anxiety than you can imagine, that is not what will work for me.  I do need to get out more, be involved, its finding something that I am passionate about here around me.  Protecting others, whales I just have to find the right place.I just don't know what that is.  I have these connections but they are far away,  again like dorothy maybe I need a few trips to oz, maybe then I can find what I am looking for.

I do not want others to fix me,  I don't want someone feeling sorry for me, I want  someone to understand my wierdness and embrace it. I want someone to try to understand and see where I am coming from and not call me crazy or think its stupid.  I know that I often push people away but I need them to keep on me, ask the hard questions, don't let me off the hook.  I know I am hard to like and even harder to love,  I need people to follow thru and know if I ask for something, it has taken me months to ask and please don't forget or ignore, because I won't ask again.  I felt like a huge pest my entire life, and I will not keep asking.  I understand people are busy and have their own life,  here I need some extra understanding.  It takes a whole lot for me to ask for help,  you need to know that.  I have said for some time,  I need someone there walking beside me,  being a constant not leaving,  and yes there are times like right now, that I might need to be carried no matter how wonderful that things look on the outside, my insides, well that is another story.  

I heart your heart.