Just Support

Yea this was going to start as a rant, a broken heart and a goodbye and it still is all of those things. But its goes so much deeper than that. The rant has been running in my mind, over and over. Each time its even more crushing.  Every-time I see that I am not included, that I am not seen or heard I shrivel and shrink like there is something wrong with me. It breaks my heart because once upon a time I  thought I was truly a part of something, something; something forever. At 43 there is no forever.  So with that I am ready for the goodbye.  And a goodbye because I am done, I am not going to keep beating myself up because I don't belong, because I don't believe because I just don't fit.

I am done wishing that I was a part of something that really I don't want anything to do with, its simply about the belonging. I want nothing to do with them and I realized laying in bed this morning, dwelling on the rant in my head; more than anything its about support, its about belonging somewhere. At home in my personal life I am not supported.  I don't have people on my side. There is no one checking to make sure that I am ok.  It's so strange its like the things that I am dealing with are shoved under the rug, not seen and I don't understand why. Maybe for me its a major personality flaw,  I seem to be the common factor.  For whatever reason that a person might ignore or look the other way or maybe even just don't give a shit about my aching heart on anniversaries or major news stories, there are other things more important; my heart obviously do not matter, that is the message that is sent and all too often received. That is the last thing that I need. 

They do matter; my thoughts and wonderings, I matter and its not ok to be ignored.  The things that I feel the things that I experience do Matter .  And I will not put anything in to those things that just cause me more heart break.  Will it always hurt I think so because those people were forever favorites for a long time.  But when others are continually chosen over you, its just time to walk away.  I spent the first years of my life wanting more than anything to be important, to mean something and it never happened.  Then I thought I found that, I am me, the same me all the time. That forever has been slipping for some time; each time it slipped further away my heart broke even more and I blamed myself.   I am not willing to have it broken anymore.  I will not keep beating myself up because they can't support me.  So its time to say goodbye.  Sure it sounds simple but it is not.  It might be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

And that is on the outside.  On the inside inside my own four walls, there is still just me.   And people have said things about the help and isn't it great.  No, the toll that it takes on me is huge. I miss , more than miss my little family, Just the kids and I.  I miss our very own house where we could talk where there were no sides where it was us.  The three of us.  Now there are sides and I hate it.  I am glad that I can help, not sure what she would have done but the toll on me oh my goodness and no one cares or asks if its ok.  That is the support that I am talking about.  I need someone to ask how are you, are you doing ok ?  Want to come for coffee, even a simple hello and I don't know what to do.  The weight that is on my shoulders right now, I have no words for.  I don't know how to explain or even if I did ; if it would really matter. 

It's about being important.  It's about the things that you are going through mattering. I so just want to matter for someone else.  Someone on the outside, someone to care if my heart was breaking or even just sad.  I don't want to be a loner in this life.  I want a true forever just to check in.

And the tears come, it so hurts when there is no one .

I heart your heart.