No Road Map

 There are so many things and these days have been more than heavy.  This picture brought me to tears, it's not about party and everything about being silenced. I am tired of no one reaching out, no one doing anything to make a difference.  There is no road map for this there are no right or wrong way to deal with the abuses that happen to us and those around us.  What is right is standing up when things are wrong and when women are hurt. When men are not held accountable for the things that they do.  As a sexual assault survivor I feel every word that is said in the news and I am exhausted.  I smile go to work and pretend that my heart isn't breaking into pieces by the state of what is going on around me. We have a president that speaks of grabbing women, laughing about it and using vile words; that is not OK. We have men and women sticking up for these people and for that there is no excuse.  I do not understand. I will not support or protect someone from tearing others apart.   I am tired of the silence, of people trying to push me and the story of so many others story under the rug. Is it uncomfortable ? Always.  Is it hard, is it heavy it is all those things, Always YES ! Silence doesn't make it go away it only makes the burden heavier to carry.  I am still here!!! And I will not stop fighting. There are many things that I have to share, there are so many things that I have to say, there are things that I want others to understand about being a Survivor.  I am who I am today because of  all the things that have happened to me. And I keep looking for them to mean something. The things that have happened from my first rape at 5 years old, to the last rape 14 years ago; there has to be meaning in all of that.

I hear all of the words, comments from people who call themselves friends and take note. They are not safe, oh look neither are they and yet again more people I know are not safe.  People want happy and pretty and fairy tale, my life is nothing of a sort.  I am alive and there are days that I am thriving but the things that have happened to me are always there. They hurt; less than they have before and I hope that in the years to come that it will hurt less than it does today.  With my history; the things I have been through, I want to believe that the world is a safe place but I do not. When things like this are taking place in the highest offices in this country, it is a problem.  I do not have faith in the justice system.  I do not have faith in the land that I Live in. I worry about my children and the country that they are growing up in.  For my daughter what messages is she getting when things like boys will be boys are said in passing, when the bravery of a woman sharing her story is openly mocked and nothing is done.  For my son, how does he take in these occurrences,  he sees the injustice and cruelty and just doesn't understand.  This is the world that we are living in.  This is why we need to take a stand even a small one and make things different. Listen and hear . Then do things different.

I feel like this must be an issue where people do take sides. If you are trying to be politically correct and not take sides, then you don't care. This is not a wait and see.  While you are waiting more women men and children are raped and abused.  There is no wait and see , there is no holding out for people to do the right thing because in those instances nothing will change and the silence will persist.  I  want people to be outraged. I want people to ask What can we do to make things different. I want people to take the risk and ask the survivors around them their thoughts?  Ask if they are OK, ask if they can do anything to make things different ?  Ask how can we make this world safer ? I can guarantee that we see the injustices going on. We see the lack of caring in others comments, in the lack of thought,the absolute lack of compassion because some think its something that does not pertain to them.  But really, it pertains to us all.  Our Mothers, daughters, fathers and sons are survivors.  We are all a part of this and we all need to care. I can almost guarantee that someone you know and love has been affected.  SO care, make a difference do what is right.  Stand up for others that can't yet stand up for themselves.

I am sure that it is in my bones to fight.  I have had to be a fighter for most of my life.  Whether it was fighting to stay alive and survive what was happening to me or fighting for others to make sure that they would never know the life that I had to life, I fought.  I have fought more than hard, I have fought more battles than I imagined possible  and if you have not walked in my shoes you have no right to judge me; where I am and how I make things work.  Many see the things that I post, the things that are important and move on by, that's just how it is. I have gotten used to the inaction of others.  That inaction always hurts, but I keep fighting .  That is OK maybe they don't have it in them to fight, maybe they haven't yet found their voice.  I want the fighters that have heart that will jump in and make things different; do things different stand up for others, those are the people that I want around, that I want in my life. I want people to think outside of their little circles and fight for injustice. I want those people that reach out and help and fight alongside the brave and courageous to be at my side.

The last few weeks have been hard and the burden that has been in my soul was at times unbearable but I still kept going and did everything.  I will continue to do all the things that I love and I will continue to fight for the things that are wrong, for the women and men that don't yet have a voice.  I keep fighting.  This week I have found yet another Hero in Dr. Ford.  Another person who chose to put her life on hold and stand up for what is right.  To make a difference , to share her voice. She is a hero.  I heart her heart.  I hope that she sees all of us that didn't look away that admired her courage that stood with her. There was purpose and strength in what she did and it was seen by many.

I will forever be a fighter.
I stand with Dr. Christine Blasey Ford.
I heart your heart.