Innocence

This is a rough one. It's something that I don't really think about often.  When it does hit when I see something so real ,true and pure it hits me hard and I think there are just so many things that I will never get to experience.  This time it was the school dance.

It was one of those required things at work.  It was fine,  just that feeling of being an outsider begins to creep in and that feeling is somehow so hollow that your insides would echo.  Its that thing that should be there; that should have been built in as I was growing up,  but things happen and I didn't get those things like everyone else.  There are things that I knew way to soon, and things I experienced that should have  been saved for way later in life.  All those things together and innocence is gone, completely gone.  My innocence was gone before I even knew that it existed.

The first time I experienced that sense of innocence was in Carter's baby store when Mariska was small maybe 3.  A song came on that she liked. So she stood there in a crowded line full of people and she danced. She found herself a clearing by the shelf;  She danced like no one was watching. She danced because she knew that it was ok, she was safe and the world was at her hands. She danced because a song she loved came on and she felt it in her bones.  I stood there and watched unbelievably in amazement that she would do that.  I wanted to go and distract her and tell her all the reasons that she shouldn't do that. People might be watching what will the think will they be attracted to her.  A thousand things are running in my head and for a second Everything stopped; I realized just how innocent that moment was.  And I just watched her, there was nothing wrong with what she was doing,  there was nothing wrong with enjoying that exact moment .  She stood there with not a care in the world and  danced.  The world was a safe and sound place.  There was no harm intended on her and not one person thought anything terrible seeing a little girl dance.  I teared up a little because I just could never imagine being that ok with who I was.  I could not imagine not being afraid of the people around me and if they saw me do that, I knew the things that they would want.  Such a powerful moment being able to give her the things that I never had.  I know she had those moments all the time.  This one just so stood out to me,  she was just a little girl in this world dancing to her favorite song.  It was amazing and heartbreaking for me.  I would never know that feeling that truly free feeling . 



Then again at the school dance,I experienced that innocence in another little girl dancing and I hate that there is that moment that comes that breaks my heart.  That little one has something that I never had. I have come such a long way since that day in Carter's. Mariska is almost 16 and she lives in that innocence.  There are moments she still knows that innocence and I want her to keep that as long as she can.  She is well aware of the world but those times I see it I hold my heart and think  she has that because of all the ways that I kept her safe.  But once again at the school dance,  I was just standing on the outside  ; that outsider that can't experience things like others.  The dance was half way through,  and there was a little girl her hair all curled and she had on this black and white dress with lots of fringe and she was dancing away, watching her fringe sway and swing with not a care in the world.  She was the only one in the world and she danced.  Oh she danced.  I just watched and smiled .  All those same feelings came back, another moment that I will never experience.  I am more than happy to see it in others.  I am more than happy that my children have that . There is also a sadness that I don't understand what its like to be so free.   I don't understand that moment when you just do something because it feels good, because it makes you happy.  I get frustrated because I know how far that I have come, but moments like that still sting like nothing else.

It just does something to my heart.  I can remember one picture in front of my house on Rearn Dr and I have this Blue jumper on, I am holding my little stuffed dog and I seem to almost be floating on air and I think in someway I had that if even for a moment. I see innocence in that picture of me. Still It makes me more than sad.  Its such a sad thing because these girls at the dance, my own little Mariska have no clue what its like not to have that.  For that I am forever grateful.  For me, it breaks my heart that so much was taken and that I couldn't dance because that is just what little girls do.

I never just got to do what other little girls did.  Their lives were so foreign, so far away.  That pure joy, pure freedom was something that was taken away;just as my innocence long before I could understand the depth and sadness of that.  I want someday to be able to regain even a little of that innocent enjoy the moment thing that is just out of my reach.  Surely if I am at least able to see it, maybe someday I can have my own little piece of understanding. Just a little sliver of Innocence ;what its like to have it in your hand; and have the world at your fingertips.

I heart your heart.