You is smart, You is kind, You is Important

You is Smart, You is Kind, You is Important 

I can not for the life of me seem to watch this with out crying.  I wish that I had known this with every bone in my body as a little girl, but I did not.  I was not special; I was not important in any way.  I often struggle when people tell me these things today. Somehow I struggle to give them a place in my brain, my heart. I think that I would have done anything when I was little to just mean something to someone, just be important enough for someone to notice, to help , to do something, to save me from my hell.  There was a time when I knew that being important and special was not for me; that just wasn't an option. I was the gross and disgusting little girl who got excited picking out her dads shirt to wear. I was the outsider who saw everything in the world differently. Feeling loved and important was something for other girls other little girls that were all those things that I was not. Nothing I ever went through was enough,  nothing was ever an emergency, nothing really mattered for one reason or the other. Either I was the chubby unpopular kid that no one could imagine anyone wanting to assault, I mean who would want to rape me right ?!?  I was lying and just wanted attention.Oh that's totally me an attention whore.  I was even at times, just nothing,  I didn't matter, what happened to me didn't matter either, everyone just pretended that everything was fine. I learned rather quickly just smile and pretend that everything is fine.  It's terrible when things are not fine, and everyone around you pretends that it is.

 When I have felt like I mattered I don't have a clue what to do with it,  I am  often in a state of disbelief. I want to hear the words I want to believe it and take it on but the words that have been spoken, are so much of who I am.  I can hear those words still past and present in my head and I struggle with being important and loved.

I can say that I do feel loved and safe and taken care of at times, but it is not something that I am comfortable with, it makes me feel needy and desperate.  I often wonder if there will be any amount of kindness to fill that gaping hole that has been  created.  I was in my 20's before I had even one moment and felt like I was important that I meant something.  When Det. Plemmons asked how I was,  the world stopped,  me?  He was asking how I was ?  I didn't have a clue, all I knew was to be fine.  You just pretend that your heart isn't broken and keep moving forward. It's come to the point where I am tired of pretending.  I am just going to let this broken heart bleed,  and ooze and cry because maybe that is what its going to take to let the kindnesses that I have today sink in.  To feel important and worthy, yo just wake up knowing that. Someday, someday I will feel those words in my bones and my heart will be full.