Trauma Time Stamp

I think this is more important than I have ever imagined. There was a time when people told me to get over it to put it away and I beat myself up for not being able to do that.  I know just how long ago that it was; I know just how many years have passed yet there are parts of my heart that are still so affected and so sad.  I am coming to a place where I am tired of others placing that trauma time stamp on my life and the things that I have been through. Should I be over them maybe but they should have never happened in the first place. Absolutely, I am more than angry.  Should I have been cared for and loved along the way making healing easier; YES.  When those  things don't happen it takes longer even lifetimes and I fight that every single day.  It's those people that make you feel terrible for still being so hurt that do the most damage. The comments like well "unless anything else has happened to you" implying that you should be over the violence in your past.  That surely something else happened to still be so affected ??? The comments like it sucks to be you. The panic and dread when you are called for Jury duty.  I am coming to learn new things all the time and some are great and some are rough.

I am learning the "done" that I once hoped for, is something that is not likely, or even possible.  I am learning that there are just going to be some people that can not handle the life that is mine.  There are going to be some people,  that no matter how much I want them to understand and be present for me they just can't. I am learning that I need to hold on to those that make me feel good and important.  I am learning to stand on my own, feeling things as they come.  I am learning to accept that there are going to be things that are always going to be a part of who I am. There are going to be moments that bring me right back, and just being able to feel them and move past them will only do my heart good. 

I am so tired of other people and their trauma's being ok because they are more socially acceptable.  I am so sad that people choose not to acknowledge things outside of their comfort zone, which in turn makes things more difficult for me .  I am tired of people whose words do not match their actions.  I think at this point I am done with trying to fit in somewhere and just focusing on being the person that I am.  I am crazy Callahan lover of whales. I believe that kindness changes everything, and I also have a trauma stamp that will never go away.  I believe that there are good people in the world and I am lucky to have a few of them in my life.  I think I am finally coming to a place where I don't care what others think.  I will not pretend to be things that I am not, I will not be what other people want me to be. I have survived so much and that doesn't go away because it makes you more comfortable. Because all that's happened is a part of me. Those things are in my bones, my heart, my spirit and I won't shut up to make you comfortable. I will keep healing and keep speaking to heal to help to move forward in this life that is mine. I think in short it I am too much, if my honesty bothers you stay away.  Things have happened I will always be affected, I will have bad days. But I also have great days.  I have a trauma stamp, I do and mine is just as ok as yours.

I heart your heart.