I'm so sorry but I have to help her

This is one of those things that has broken and split my heart. I have thought about those little tad-poles more than I have ever thought about myself. I was so happy and content playing in that little creek.  It seemed very steep and I am not sure how we got there. There were others that were playing near me, but I can't for the life of me tell you who they were.  I was in my own little world, where all was well.  I always had this ability to find those little things that made me happy, and that became all that mattered.  This was one of those days.  I sit here writing and can close my eyes and see it all, my little feet in the water, the creek totally covered by the shade of the huge trees along the bank.  I am pretty sure my hair was in pig tails, this is one of the few times I remember wearing shorts.   For that short time all was great playing with my tadpoles in that little creek, I am sure I was deep in conversation with them, placing them gently in that bucket,  because that is just what I did. 

 I am not sure how Albert called me out of the creek, I remember putting my bucket down by the picnic table where Barbra Albert's mother was sitting.  He was holding my hand and we were walking away.  I was scared, I see it so clear and there was a fear I didn't know where we were going. The Red van was parked in a group of trees.  Unbelievable the things that get burned into a little girls brain, my brain as things were happening.  I can remember walking towards the van him holding my hand, my mind still with my tadpoles.  I don't think I had a clue what was about to happen to me.  The back doors of the van were open,  and I could see the bean bags, he picked me up tossing me on them. He was not kind, he was rough, and mean.  I remember the evil look on his face.  After all this time almost 40 years later, I remember that look.  He pulled my shorts and underwear off and he climbed into the back of the van, and that is the point that little Callahan comes in. I can remember being there, but not being there.  I remember looking out the little side windows thinking why is this happening on such a beautiful day.  I remember the greenness of the trees and the blueness of the skies.  I can still see the sun shining through the branches,  as he did what he wanted, as he raped my little body.  And my only thought that I remember was, why is he doing this on such a beautiful day, like it would not have mattered on a different day.  He was so angry with me, and I didn't understand why.  He was so rough, really hurting me. 

I remember him being done and he pulled up his pants,  I can even remember him buttoning his pants and he told me to get dressed and go play.  Everything was in slow motion, this time was different and the pain my little body was in was unimaginable.  Of coarse I always did what I was told.  I found my clothes and got dressed.  I can remember being dizzy and struggling to stand up.  My little legs were so shaky, I feel that, I remember how I was so hurt.  I was alone and knew that there was no one to make me feel better. I just knew that I wanted to get back to my tadpoles.  Just focus on something else and try to forget the pain. 

I remember the exact second that I was finally dressed again standing there behind the van.  My legs barely holding me up and I saw Albert and his mother sitting at the picnic table.  I remember seeing my bucket and thinking I just have to get back over there so I can get to my tadpoles.  My hips hurt so much,  I felt like he was still hurting me.  But I had to get those tad poles, they were my only focus, my only motivation to move. And time stood still and a part of me stayed right there by the van unable to move lost in a little body that was in unimaginable pain and was suffering more than I can even imagine, because my only thought was my tadpoles. Those little black tadpoles were all that mattered. 

I made it to my tadpoles,  the tears drying on my face.  I held on to stone seat and Albert came over knocking my little bucket over.  He knelled down telling me that next time I wouldn't fight so much and he began to step on my little tadpoles with his big black boots..  Again the tears began to  flow,  I just had to save them I just had to put them back in my bucket so that they could make it back to the creek.  I tried so hard, but my little fingers couldn't pick them up fast enough.  My only feeling was anger at myself for biting my nails and not being able to pick them up fast enough.  And that has haunted me for years and years and years.  I could not save those tadpoles, under his big black boots. I have been relentless blaming myself that I couldn't save them, I couldn't pick them up.

Those tadpoles have always been my focus. They were then and until now, that has been my focus.  But in my heart that little girl that was brutally raped is still standing there by the van, legs barely holding her up trying to find a way to put one foot in front of the other.  I left her there as I moved on to save the tadpoles and its about time that I move on to help her.   

There is no way that I could have done anything different to save them.  Bu there is a lot that I can do to help that sad hurt broken little girl today .  Its more than hard focusing on her because I think that I have always seen what happened to her as not really being that important. The important part was saving those tadpoles.  I vow and promise that from today on, I am going to help the little girl that was left behind. That little girl, little me, little Callahan that was forced in the back of a van raped and left. That is the little girl that needs me.  She matters and she should never have had to endure what she did that day on her own. She never should have stood there wondering how to put one foot in front of the other and pretend that her body and mind were fine. She was not fine. She was not ok. She was injured, she was hurting and she deserved someone to take care of her.  No 5 year old should ever have to know that pain and be left on their own. No little girl deserves or asks for those things to happen.  I can no longer focus on those helpless tadpoles.  I am grateful for them , my mind may have broken if it weren't for them.  But now is the time I have to help that little girl , I have to help heal that little girl who has blamed herself all these years. Who has focused on saving those innocent little creatures and today I finally must focus on saving that little girl still standing dizzy by the van, legs shaking wondering what in the world is coming next.  Well little one I am here and you are not alone.  I am coming to help you.  I am right here with you.

I heart your heart.