Survivors don't get to celebrate our losses and our wins. We don't get to share just how far that we have come in life. I don't feel that as a survivor I get to celebrate living through the hell that I have. I don't have a day when people come and say wow look at you, "What an amazing Survivor You Are." I am not saying that is what I want. But I am saying that I want and even need an acknowledgement of the things that my heart has lived through. There are so many days for so many different reasons. People get to celebrate their stories. Cancer survivors get to celebrate when they are cancer free years later. A women gets to celebrate each year that she is still sober. People get to celebrate milestones after a death , people celebrate their rainbow babies. All these things are wonderful. All of these things are worth celebrating, they are worth being acknowledged.
When it comes to sexual assault. When it comes to being raped as a child as a woman there is not a celebration about all that we have overcome. I feel like there is a double standard. We are expected to survive in mostly silence, and just go back to something that we were before. No one wants to talk about it, no one wants to hear how your affected. The problem is there is not a before because we can't unexperience those things, we have to adjust to a new normal a new way of life completely. Many of us are just trying to gain a new sense of ourselves and who we are. Sexual Assault survivors are not remembered not celebrated and not often seen as important enough to be noticed later years later or even weeks later. We are just expected to get over it, and move on.
For me I hate Valentines day. I hate the roses, I hate the big deal that is made because for me I was raped the night of the School Valentine Dance. He had the nerve to bring red roses to the door like this was something I wanted. I did not. I did not want any moment of what happened that night. So as every year this day is displayed as a time filled with love and friends but for me there is only dread, memories, and pretending that everything is OK. My day will not be noticed, or acknowledged in any way. There is a part of me that feels so very guilty. I know this is a good day for some and I don't want to ruin anyone's special day. I just want that gentle are you OK, thinking about you. I want that I am glad your here and your special.
I know its more than crazy but someday I want beautiful flowers and someone asking how I am. I want to be able to make different beautiful memories that I haven't even dreamed of yet.Someone to hold me and let me cry then do something to make my heart feel safe and so worth it. I want someone to care enough to hear my heart on this day to hold me and tell me just how far that I have come. Some valentines are worse than others and there will come a day I hope when this day won't be a reminder of all the hurt.
I think in sharing this I just want it to be OK to have my bad days. I want there to be a celebration as a survivor that I am further than I was at this same time last year. Every celebration and journey is an important one and mine may be so very hard to talk about it; that I understand. But if we can celebrate other hard things this is just as important. As others are allowed to say wow its been 15 years and look at me now cancer free. As others can stand up and say 25 years sober. I want to be able to say I was raped years, months or days ago and look how strong that I am.
I want there to come a time, when we can stand in our pain and it be OK for that moment , and for it to be acknowledged then laugh and be who we are with no shame of the things we have survived. I want to cry be sad that those terrible things happened then be so glad that I made it, that I am living my best life despite all the things that have happened. I want to share just like everyone else and I am not sure that the world is ready for that. Someday, Someday I hope the world will be ready. Because I am closer to being ready than I have ever been.
I heart your heart.
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