Her, another part of me

 

I feel like there has been so much going on that I have not been dealing with that 13-year-old little girl.  She is so strong yet so fragile.  I am sure that I don't give her near enough credit for getting us where we are.  She has lived a million lifetimes and I could not be more thankful for her.  I feel like calling her that "thirteen-year-old" is so dismissive. She is so much more than that thirteen-year-old girl, she is so much more than the gross and disgusting that I named her for years.  So first I have to come up with a name for her. She needs a name, something for her to hear and know that she is magic.  She is the reason that I survived.  She, that amazing girl is why I am standing here today.  She holds lifetimes of hurt and still has the kindest soul.  Even all that she went through she kept dreaming she held on and knew that someday this life of hers was going to be different. She always saw the small things; she believed in the trees and the wind.  She believed in the little birds singing on their branch, and Whales.  She held on to her love for whales and longed for a time when she could be free.  She is a girl that is quite miraculous in every sense of the word.  She rose above each and every injustice that was done to her, and even on the worst of days she was able to find the smallest speck of hope and she held on to it for dear life.  Its crazy sometimes to see how far that I have come, in finding my voice in being able to use words instead of just pictures and yet for this little girl words are hard to find.  I struggle, I struggle to get the things out I struggle for her story to be told.  I struggle and the fear is that connecting with her will somehow be the end of me.  If you have ever seen the movie K-Pax.  It is one of my all-time favorites, but in the end, when he is alive but so very far away.  That is my greatest fear, that somehow, I am not capable of being all the things that she needs.  I worry that I am not enough to carry her story that I am not enough to give it the right words to finally be free.  I worry all the time that the story will reduce me a blubbering mess and no amount of glue will be able to put all the pieces of me back together.  See I told you so very fragile yet oh so strong.  I have worked more than hard getting her to a place where she is finally ot of the dark.  She is no longer in darkness but isn't able to yet hold her head high. I know that I am closer to her being free as I have ever been, even closer than i think.  She is no longer in the dark and not quite in the light.  I look forward to the day when i can think of her and hold my heart knowing that she is no longer held down by the things that haunted her for so long.  There is no making them go away but I can help make them lighter.  Today I can talk about little Callahan and I am grateful that she is free, she is running and playing as she always should have been.  I remember the time that I missed her, when I didn't know where she was.  There was a part of me that felt more alone than I ever have.  Today, there is no missing her, she is there free as a bird doing all the things that she never got to experience in life.  I think about her and know that I she can never take the full heaviness away of all she endured but she has a freedom from it that is hard to put to words.  I look forward to the day with great hope when little 13-year-old Callahan isn't afraid of taking up space.  I look forward to the day when she will be comfortable in her skin when her every thought isn't dark with the things that happened to her and the people that treated her so cruelly.  I look forward to that time when she can feel the sun and feel the warmth of those around her.  She has lived life afraid of everything and I cry thinking about the day when she can laugh and not wonder who is watching.  I look forward to the day when she has a crush and can feel loved.  I look forward to the day she can wave goodbye and let me take over.  As I continue to heal and grow, I hope this will be her year.  That she can learn to grow her wings and be. I hope she can find the words she needs to speak and not be ashamed or feel guilty.  I look forward to the day she can stand on her own and be proud in her skin.  I picture her, as that girl sitting in a coffee shop quietly ready enjoying all that is around her.  She has a peace, because she knows where she has been but she realizes how far that she has come.  I want her to be able to enjoy the carefree things in life without having to think about all that could be, without having to look over her shoulder.  As with little Callahan there is no way to make all the things that happened to her completely go away.  There is no way in the world for her to live a life as if those things never happened, but it is my hope that I can give her some of the things she never got, and I can surround her with people who can hear her and give her space when needed.  I think that there are such deep wounds I think there will be days that sting, but she will learn to write and rest and know that she is still ok.  I think where I am in this journey, I know that there is no magic wand.  I think as things change and we grow things will come up, but they won't be as big as some of the things now.  She has never had a voice, she has never been able to tell her story and be heard, she is the one that has been silent making sure that everyone is ok, that all is well with the world while hers was falling apart around her.  It's her time.  It is her time to tell her story and stand proud, she has done amazing things and deserves peace, freedom and rest. This has got to be her year

I heart your heart. 

 It's your time. 

End of the year directions, 2022 is almost over

 I feel like there are a lot of different directions that I am being pulled this year. Christmas was harder than i expected and also opened my eyes in ways I could never have imagined. I think all year I have been waiting for the feeling of relief to leave and the sadness to set in and it just hasn't.  There is a sad that I don't have a mom and that she is no longer here, but that relief that sense of being able to breathe is something amazing. I was in a weird space and in a lot of ways I left like Cindy Lou Who when she is singing where are you Christmas.  I love to decorate and create this winter wonderland and this year I just couldn't.  We did put a tree up.  It is mostly decorated, but don't look at the top two feet and don't look at the back as you go up the stairs because there are no decorations.  It was pretty if you looked at different parts and just left others out.  The Mantle was done, and the stocking were hung.  The grinch was slumped on the back of the chair.  There were a few new things, but it was a chore to do, and they were turned on only a handful of times.  This year was different because Mariska was also working, and I was alone a lot and there wasn't enough of me for the bigger trees and there wasn't going to be any help from Vincent I knew that even without asking.  Just a sad year, a different year a year of transition that I am glad it is now coming to a close. 

Of course, what would the holidays be without DRAMA!   and of course, there was plenty.  Chris deciding right before Thanksgiving to leave Laurel, and the craziness that comes with that, I am sure you can imagine.  Him renting this huge 5-bedroom house then not even a week later separating.  Too much drama and I just want to be. Sam decided to speak with my brother and tell him his thoughts on him being beneficiary and leaving me behind and what he thought.  Yea that didn't go over well.  I haven't really heard from him since. I am not angry just so hurt.  I think people seem to forget I lost my mom too and no matter how rocky and hard that relationship was I don't have a mom. Once again something happens that I get put in the middle and treated like an outcast and I wasn't even the one that did anything.  I am so tired of being hurt; Tired of being a leftover if plans fall through.  I am tired of being caught in the middle for speaking the truth or sharing my thoughts. I am allowed to talk and share the things that are going on with me.

I spent the day yesterday getting my house back putting the few Christmas decorations that I have up away.  Out with the old in with the new.  Even fixing up the library.  I have really missed that room. I have this plan about getting a desk and making that a room we are able to use all the time. So, today is the last day of the year, how crazy is that.  There is so much here, so much that is ahead and a lot of things that will make me heart happy.  I look forward to the things that are ahead making room in my mind and heart for what is next, for the things that I want.  I am done with people that step on my heart and make me second guess everything that I do.  I am tired of people around me whose words and actions don't match.  If you are going to be in my life, I need to know that the things that you say are things that I can count n and that I can count on you by your actions, by how I am treated.  I have distanced myself from a lot of people that just cause more pain.  If you are not going to be in my life to support and care for me then kindly find your way out.  I feel like this year, I need to make myself a priority.  That is not saying that I am going to treat everyone terrible and change who I am.  That means that I am going to be true to who I am and keep the people who care for my heart close and be grateful because that is exactly what I need. 

In this new year, I feel like it is going to be a time to figure out what is next what will make me happy.  The kids are older they are going to school and will be working creating their own life.  I don't want to be sad during this next life phase I just need to find my own way. I have this calling for grad school. Everything I know tells me LPC and that scares me to death.  I want to work on my own house, making it mine changing little things to make it all mine.  I feel like I will keep working in my own healing but for once it feels like I am farther than I have ever been. There are parts of me that are free and a few that still need some work but I know that I am not alone and so I keep working.  I am going to speak to a group of LPC-Interns.  I am excited, nervous and terrified; I just hope that I say the right words and that it makes a difference. I hope I am calm clear and make an impact.  Then there is teacher of the Year gala.  I am a little worried because it goes against all that I am. The attention the focus I just do what I do.  I think there are a lot of new beginnings for me. I think that with each new beginning there will be 

decisions that need to be made.  As scary and unknown as this time is, I am looking forward to new adventures and finding my happy again.  I am hopeful that maybe even this heavy soul of mine can find some happy with no strings attached.  Here's to a new year, new experiences and letting myself shine in ways I don't even know yet. I hope that I am on the edge of a blue Sky, and things I can not even imagine.  I want that. I want happily ever after.

Happy New Year, Bring on 2023!

I heart your heart

The letter that I cannot write

I want to write you a letter, but I don't have any words, and can't find any that would fit

I want to write you a letter and tell you that i love you and that you meant the world but if I did that I would be lying. 

I want to write you a letter and tell you all the things I have ever felt in my heart but know it would fall on deaf ears. 

My heart  is crushed and broken into millions of tiny irreplaceable pieces.

I haven't had a mom in a very long time.

I want to write you a letter, and tell you all the things in my heart 

but you never wanted to hear them 

I want to write you a letter, but my fingers can't even hold the pen or type the words 

everything feels heavy, I don't want to sound like a vengeful daughter

But I can not pretend that I miss you and I am sorry you are gone.

I want to write you a letter, but I feel empty yet relieved

an empty like a gas tank on E; barely running on fumes

I have lived my entire life only getting a few drops at a time

Just enough to keep the hope that maybe someday you would love me 

I want to write you a letter but there is only a deep ache for things I will never have 

 my mind is still trying to wrap itself around why you hated me , why you spread that hate to your friends and made me the enemy

I want my words to make a fucking difference to you

 I want to write you that perfect letter full of love and admiration, but those are not feelings that I have.

I want to write all the words I ever needed to say, I want to write that I miss you every day, but really there is just so much hurt. 

Anything that I would write would not fit, people could never understand. 

My entire life I have been the bad daughter, my entire life I came in second.

Or not at all.  

I was the one that made too much noise, the one that was talked about and leered at.

I was looked down on my entire life, and there are no warm feelings of tenderness

I never wanted anything from you, but to be seen and heard

I am ever so angry, no I think it's almost hate

 I want to write you a letter, but you could never understand my heart

Not the little girl that I was once not the woman that I am today

I want to write you a letter; a beautiful remembrance of love and longing 

 So  I sit here this cold morning exactly one year after your death 

the feeling I overwhelmingly feel is Relief. 

 Here are the only things I know 

I know that I meant nothing to you. I know that you didn't like the woman that I was 

I know that I was judged by you no matter what I did 

How you would leer at me, from upstairs and offer no help, how you would laugh at my struggles offering no support

I made you angry when I didn't answer your every Becking call. 

I made you angry that I could not be your everything 

You hated that I was growing and getting stronger 

You hated when I did what was right for me and that didn't include you

You hated that I didn't let you in more but why would I when all you did was wound ?

You hated that I was my own woman, who wanted more from life

You hated that I was a fighter, and never gave up

You saw my journals saying I would love to read them someday, I was furious 

how dare you, I am right here in front of you

See me talk to me love me how I am

Just last week I found the letter, My brother was 100% beneficiary

Like a knife through my heart, I gave up my favorite house for you

I gave up the first place that was all mine where I was genuinely happy to buy a bigger house for you

I changed my life to make room for you, in the hope I mattered

I didn't.  I was a nothing.  I was not important.

This day a year ago, we were both struggling for life

only one of us made it.

I was sad for my children,  I was sad for my brother. 

Me, I felt a freedom, and a relief that I am not sure I will ever understand. 

This past year I have learned more about myself and have grown into who I am.  

That i am more self-sufficient that I imagined. 

That I have been doing things alone for as long as I can remember.

This past year I have struggled, I have thrived, and I have become more of me. 

I have learned how little I meant to you; I have learned that you were not kind

I have learned that I can do and accomplish almost anything.  

all on my own and be successful. 

I am in my home, that is all mine.  

It's time I open your bedroom door, make it a guest bedroom full of love and life. 

Today I am making the upstairs living room clutter free and a place where we all want to be. 

Today one year ago, they were doing everything to keep you alive, 

My brother was power of attorney, yet I was the one there being asked to make decisions 

Medicine and machines to keep you alive.  It was me the bad daughter that was asked to make the decision.  

When we got there you were already gone, no longer my mother or grandmother

 we stood at the hospital as you took your last breath. 

Even though I was hated, treated badly and so deeply hurt

there is a heaviness that a person can never understand unless they have seen it

Seeing the heart monitor, the nurse turning off the alarms, and slowly as seconds feel like hours 

slowly the line goes flat.  I ask the nurse, she is gone isn't she, he says yes and walks in the room,

They start unhooking all the tubes and lines, 

There is a finality, 

We stand there the three of us ; Vincent ,Mariska and I wondering what happens next. 

Today 365 days later, I am free, I am still processing and still the feeling is relief. 

I sit here crying because of relief, because I cannot imagine what life would be like with her here

Even in the last week I have learned things that cut like a knife, and I am still trying to wrap my head around them.  

So no, today I cannot write that loving, missing longing letter because those are not things that I have. 

I am grateful for the seasons when I did have my mom, when we could laugh, when she loved me even as few as they were. 

So I will take what comes today. One year later. Still on my own . Still relieved.

I loved you so mom, 

I heart your heart.