The letter that I cannot write

I want to write you a letter, but I don't have any words, and can't find any that would fit

I want to write you a letter and tell you that i love you and that you meant the world but if I did that I would be lying. 

I want to write you a letter and tell you all the things I have ever felt in my heart but know it would fall on deaf ears. 

My heart  is crushed and broken into millions of tiny irreplaceable pieces.

I haven't had a mom in a very long time.

I want to write you a letter, and tell you all the things in my heart 

but you never wanted to hear them 

I want to write you a letter, but my fingers can't even hold the pen or type the words 

everything feels heavy, I don't want to sound like a vengeful daughter

But I can not pretend that I miss you and I am sorry you are gone.

I want to write you a letter, but I feel empty yet relieved

an empty like a gas tank on E; barely running on fumes

I have lived my entire life only getting a few drops at a time

Just enough to keep the hope that maybe someday you would love me 

I want to write you a letter but there is only a deep ache for things I will never have 

 my mind is still trying to wrap itself around why you hated me , why you spread that hate to your friends and made me the enemy

I want my words to make a fucking difference to you

 I want to write you that perfect letter full of love and admiration, but those are not feelings that I have.

I want to write all the words I ever needed to say, I want to write that I miss you every day, but really there is just so much hurt. 

Anything that I would write would not fit, people could never understand. 

My entire life I have been the bad daughter, my entire life I came in second.

Or not at all.  

I was the one that made too much noise, the one that was talked about and leered at.

I was looked down on my entire life, and there are no warm feelings of tenderness

I never wanted anything from you, but to be seen and heard

I am ever so angry, no I think it's almost hate

 I want to write you a letter, but you could never understand my heart

Not the little girl that I was once not the woman that I am today

I want to write you a letter; a beautiful remembrance of love and longing 

 So  I sit here this cold morning exactly one year after your death 

the feeling I overwhelmingly feel is Relief. 

 Here are the only things I know 

I know that I meant nothing to you. I know that you didn't like the woman that I was 

I know that I was judged by you no matter what I did 

How you would leer at me, from upstairs and offer no help, how you would laugh at my struggles offering no support

I made you angry when I didn't answer your every Becking call. 

I made you angry that I could not be your everything 

You hated that I was growing and getting stronger 

You hated when I did what was right for me and that didn't include you

You hated that I didn't let you in more but why would I when all you did was wound ?

You hated that I was my own woman, who wanted more from life

You hated that I was a fighter, and never gave up

You saw my journals saying I would love to read them someday, I was furious 

how dare you, I am right here in front of you

See me talk to me love me how I am

Just last week I found the letter, My brother was 100% beneficiary

Like a knife through my heart, I gave up my favorite house for you

I gave up the first place that was all mine where I was genuinely happy to buy a bigger house for you

I changed my life to make room for you, in the hope I mattered

I didn't.  I was a nothing.  I was not important.

This day a year ago, we were both struggling for life

only one of us made it.

I was sad for my children,  I was sad for my brother. 

Me, I felt a freedom, and a relief that I am not sure I will ever understand. 

This past year I have learned more about myself and have grown into who I am.  

That i am more self-sufficient that I imagined. 

That I have been doing things alone for as long as I can remember.

This past year I have struggled, I have thrived, and I have become more of me. 

I have learned how little I meant to you; I have learned that you were not kind

I have learned that I can do and accomplish almost anything.  

all on my own and be successful. 

I am in my home, that is all mine.  

It's time I open your bedroom door, make it a guest bedroom full of love and life. 

Today I am making the upstairs living room clutter free and a place where we all want to be. 

Today one year ago, they were doing everything to keep you alive, 

My brother was power of attorney, yet I was the one there being asked to make decisions 

Medicine and machines to keep you alive.  It was me the bad daughter that was asked to make the decision.  

When we got there you were already gone, no longer my mother or grandmother

 we stood at the hospital as you took your last breath. 

Even though I was hated, treated badly and so deeply hurt

there is a heaviness that a person can never understand unless they have seen it

Seeing the heart monitor, the nurse turning off the alarms, and slowly as seconds feel like hours 

slowly the line goes flat.  I ask the nurse, she is gone isn't she, he says yes and walks in the room,

They start unhooking all the tubes and lines, 

There is a finality, 

We stand there the three of us ; Vincent ,Mariska and I wondering what happens next. 

Today 365 days later, I am free, I am still processing and still the feeling is relief. 

I sit here crying because of relief, because I cannot imagine what life would be like with her here

Even in the last week I have learned things that cut like a knife, and I am still trying to wrap my head around them.  

So no, today I cannot write that loving, missing longing letter because those are not things that I have. 

I am grateful for the seasons when I did have my mom, when we could laugh, when she loved me even as few as they were. 

So I will take what comes today. One year later. Still on my own . Still relieved.

I loved you so mom, 

I heart your heart.