I feel like there are a lot of different directions that I am being pulled this year. Christmas was harder than i expected and also opened my eyes in ways I could never have imagined. I think all year I have been waiting for the feeling of relief to leave and the sadness to set in and it just hasn't. There is a sad that I don't have a mom and that she is no longer here, but that relief that sense of being able to breathe is something amazing. I was in a weird space and in a lot of ways I left like Cindy Lou Who when she is singing where are you Christmas. I love to decorate and create this winter wonderland and this year I just couldn't. We did put a tree up. It is mostly decorated, but don't look at the top two feet and don't look at the back as you go up the stairs because there are no decorations. It was pretty if you looked at different parts and just left others out. The Mantle was done, and the stocking were hung. The grinch was slumped on the back of the chair. There were a few new things, but it was a chore to do, and they were turned on only a handful of times. This year was different because Mariska was also working, and I was alone a lot and there wasn't enough of me for the bigger trees and there wasn't going to be any help from Vincent I knew that even without asking. Just a sad year, a different year a year of transition that I am glad it is now coming to a close.
Of course, what would the holidays be without DRAMA! and of course, there was plenty. Chris deciding right before Thanksgiving to leave Laurel, and the craziness that comes with that, I am sure you can imagine. Him renting this huge 5-bedroom house then not even a week later separating. Too much drama and I just want to be. Sam decided to speak with my brother and tell him his thoughts on him being beneficiary and leaving me behind and what he thought. Yea that didn't go over well. I haven't really heard from him since. I am not angry just so hurt. I think people seem to forget I lost my mom too and no matter how rocky and hard that relationship was I don't have a mom. Once again something happens that I get put in the middle and treated like an outcast and I wasn't even the one that did anything. I am so tired of being hurt; Tired of being a leftover if plans fall through. I am tired of being caught in the middle for speaking the truth or sharing my thoughts. I am allowed to talk and share the things that are going on with me.
I spent the day yesterday getting my house back putting the few Christmas decorations that I have up away. Out with the old in with the new. Even fixing up the library. I have really missed that room. I have this plan about getting a desk and making that a room we are able to use all the time. So, today is the last day of the year, how crazy is that. There is so much here, so much that is ahead and a lot of things that will make me heart happy. I look forward to the things that are ahead making room in my mind and heart for what is next, for the things that I want. I am done with people that step on my heart and make me second guess everything that I do. I am tired of people around me whose words and actions don't match. If you are going to be in my life, I need to know that the things that you say are things that I can count n and that I can count on you by your actions, by how I am treated. I have distanced myself from a lot of people that just cause more pain. If you are not going to be in my life to support and care for me then kindly find your way out. I feel like this year, I need to make myself a priority. That is not saying that I am going to treat everyone terrible and change who I am. That means that I am going to be true to who I am and keep the people who care for my heart close and be grateful because that is exactly what I need.
In this new year, I feel like it is going to be a time to figure out what is next what will make me happy. The kids are older they are going to school and will be working creating their own life. I don't want to be sad during this next life phase I just need to find my own way. I have this calling for grad school. Everything I know tells me LPC and that scares me to death. I want to work on my own house, making it mine changing little things to make it all mine. I feel like I will keep working in my own healing but for once it feels like I am farther than I have ever been. There are parts of me that are free and a few that still need some work but I know that I am not alone and so I keep working. I am going to speak to a group of LPC-Interns. I am excited, nervous and terrified; I just hope that I say the right words and that it makes a difference. I hope I am calm clear and make an impact. Then there is teacher of the Year gala. I am a little worried because it goes against all that I am. The attention the focus I just do what I do. I think there are a lot of new beginnings for me. I think that with each new beginning there will be
decisions that need to be made. As scary and unknown as this time is, I am looking forward to new adventures and finding my happy again. I am hopeful that maybe even this heavy soul of mine can find some happy with no strings attached. Here's to a new year, new experiences and letting myself shine in ways I don't even know yet. I hope that I am on the edge of a blue Sky, and things I can not even imagine. I want that. I want happily ever after.
Happy New Year, Bring on 2023!
I heart your heart
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