I feel like there has been so much going on that I have not been dealing with that 13-year-old little girl. She is so strong yet so fragile. I am sure that I don't give her near enough credit for getting us where we are. She has lived a million lifetimes and I could not be more thankful for her. I feel like calling her that "thirteen-year-old" is so dismissive. She is so much more than that thirteen-year-old girl, she is so much more than the gross and disgusting that I named her for years. So first I have to come up with a name for her. She needs a name, something for her to hear and know that she is magic. She is the reason that I survived. She, that amazing girl is why I am standing here today. She holds lifetimes of hurt and still has the kindest soul. Even all that she went through she kept dreaming she held on and knew that someday this life of hers was going to be different. She always saw the small things; she believed in the trees and the wind. She believed in the little birds singing on their branch, and Whales. She held on to her love for whales and longed for a time when she could be free. She is a girl that is quite miraculous in every sense of the word. She rose above each and every injustice that was done to her, and even on the worst of days she was able to find the smallest speck of hope and she held on to it for dear life. Its crazy sometimes to see how far that I have come, in finding my voice in being able to use words instead of just pictures and yet for this little girl words are hard to find. I struggle, I struggle to get the things out I struggle for her story to be told. I struggle and the fear is that connecting with her will somehow be the end of me. If you have ever seen the movie K-Pax. It is one of my all-time favorites, but in the end, when he is alive but so very far away. That is my greatest fear, that somehow, I am not capable of being all the things that she needs. I worry that I am not enough to carry her story that I am not enough to give it the right words to finally be free. I worry all the time that the story will reduce me a blubbering mess and no amount of glue will be able to put all the pieces of me back together. See I told you so very fragile yet oh so strong. I have worked more than hard getting her to a place where she is finally ot of the dark. She is no longer in darkness but isn't able to yet hold her head high. I know that I am closer to her being free as I have ever been, even closer than i think. She is no longer in the dark and not quite in the light. I look forward to the day when i can think of her and hold my heart knowing that she is no longer held down by the things that haunted her for so long. There is no making them go away but I can help make them lighter. Today I can talk about little Callahan and I am grateful that she is free, she is running and playing as she always should have been. I remember the time that I missed her, when I didn't know where she was. There was a part of me that felt more alone than I ever have. Today, there is no missing her, she is there free as a bird doing all the things that she never got to experience in life. I think about her and know that I she can never take the full heaviness away of all she endured but she has a freedom from it that is hard to put to words. I look forward to the day with great hope when little 13-year-old Callahan isn't afraid of taking up space. I look forward to the day when she will be comfortable in her skin when her every thought isn't dark with the things that happened to her and the people that treated her so cruelly. I look forward to that time when she can feel the sun and feel the warmth of those around her. She has lived life afraid of everything and I cry thinking about the day when she can laugh and not wonder who is watching. I look forward to the day when she has a crush and can feel loved. I look forward to the day she can wave goodbye and let me take over. As I continue to heal and grow, I hope this will be her year. That she can learn to grow her wings and be. I hope she can find the words she needs to speak and not be ashamed or feel guilty. I look forward to the day she can stand on her own and be proud in her skin. I picture her, as that girl sitting in a coffee shop quietly ready enjoying all that is around her. She has a peace, because she knows where she has been but she realizes how far that she has come. I want her to be able to enjoy the carefree things in life without having to think about all that could be, without having to look over her shoulder. As with little Callahan there is no way to make all the things that happened to her completely go away. There is no way in the world for her to live a life as if those things never happened, but it is my hope that I can give her some of the things she never got, and I can surround her with people who can hear her and give her space when needed. I think that there are such deep wounds I think there will be days that sting, but she will learn to write and rest and know that she is still ok. I think where I am in this journey, I know that there is no magic wand. I think as things change and we grow things will come up, but they won't be as big as some of the things now. She has never had a voice, she has never been able to tell her story and be heard, she is the one that has been silent making sure that everyone is ok, that all is well with the world while hers was falling apart around her. It's her time. It is her time to tell her story and stand proud, she has done amazing things and deserves peace, freedom and rest. This has got to be her year
I heart your heart.
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