How

 

Wow I seem to keep finding things that continue to break my heart.  And this is it, this is the end, I am no longer going to put any energy into you or your memory.  I am no longer going to beat myself up because I don't miss you.  All that I feel is relief and after a year that relief only gets stronger and stronger. There have been times when I have been able to think wow you would have enjoyed this.  There have been a few times where I thought, wow there is an empty space here.  I am tired of the daggers I feel even in your passing. Your words and actions often didn't match for me and now cleaning out your things I am finding the things that you truly thought and felt about me and honestly, I am crushed. My heart is literally breaking and there is not a thing that can be done.  You are gone. I am here and I am going to live my life full, and be true to who I am.  I am more than sorry that you could never appreciate and love the person that I was.  You hated that I was my own person, you hated that I chose to do the hard thing over the easy thing at all costs.  You hated that I didn't just shut my mouth and agree with you or anyone else for that matter.   You hated that I choose to do the hard thing over the easy thing.  You hated that I found my voice and stood up for others.  You hated me because I was a girl.  You left me out of the life insurance, only my brother's name is mentioned like I was never even your daughter.  It has nothing to do with the money, I could care less it is the fact that I meant that little to you.  I say that little really, I meant nothing because I wasn't your little cheer leader at your every Becking call. I found paperwork today; you are pleading with your doctor for weight loss surgery. You talked about how you wanted weight loss surgery to show your severely obese daughter than it can be done.  That was in April 2003, I had been back and forth to Boston trying to testify for Angela. My case going through the court system all on my own and your only worry is your obese daughter.  I can no longer give you any of my energy, I am tired of my breaking heart.  You were never there for me, not during the trial not growing up.  There was a time with Vincent and Mariska but it was short lived. So for the rest of the cleaning, I will read nothing and just throw it away.  It is all your business, and I will trash it all where it belongs.  

I am sorry that you couldn't love me as I was.  I am sorry that I was such a disappointment to you.  I am sorry that I changed my entire life, my favorite home that was all mine to make sure you had a home.  I am sorry that I wasn't the daughter that you wanted.   You left me to fend for myself my entire life and I was exhausted.  I needed a mom I needed to know that someone would be on my side no matter what.  I never got that.  So I am not sure how I am going to move on from the daggers thrown at me by your words and actions. I don't know how this all works really.  The truth is I didn't have a mom long before you were gone. You were not there and I shut you out, the hurt you caused was unbearable and you couldn't understand that.  I was on my own for most of my life.  You said the words when I pressed charges on asshole.  "Well at least he wasn't in my bed".  I should have known then but I so wanted a mom and I so wanted to love you, make you proud. I so wanted to believe that you didn't know, but truth be told you knew a lot of things and then ended up blaming me for them.  My heart is achy, I wish I had the kind of mom that I wanted and needed in my life.  I wish I had a mom that would have kept me safe and been there to support me throughout my life. I missed out on that.  Now is my time for me to enjoy my family and be all the things that my own children need. I cannot continue to try and figure out what I did wrong and why you didn't love me unconditionally.  So now I figure out How to hold my head high and learn to live without knowing why I meant so little to you.