It has been a rough few nights. My body is achy, and I feel as though I have climbed mountains in my sleep. There is no real rest; I wake up frozen in the panic of the things that I have seen and survived. It seems that my brain is hell bent on trying to replay pieces of my story trying to make them make sense. Really all they are doing bringing me back to a time and place that is impossible to remember and impossible to forget. THE NIGHTMARES are brutal. Some of them are the exact moments that are on repeat while other moments are just that moments, a moment of memory of a feeling. Often not actual memories but pieces of a memory of the things that happened so many years ago.
One morning I woke up and saw the fan and was literally frozen, in my head I was repeating their names, over and over. Each turn I was hoping that it would be the last and they would leave. I just watched the fan and over and over. In my head were their names Don, Chris, Steve, mike and Andy. There were moments I was able to focus on the fan and things didn't seem so bad. Then there were moments that things got really bad, and I wasn't even really there anymore. I was in and out of the blackness, I guess for that I am grateful, but it makes things hard sometimes. I think I feel guilty that I don't remember. That if things were that bad, I would remember them, right? Or if things were so insignificant than why don't I remember. I go to both places in my brain like well maybe it wasn't a big deal that is why I don't remember. But there are a lot of really terrible big feelings for it to be nothing at all. There are these terrible awful pictures in my brain, and I feel nothing. I should be crying I should be doing something anything and yet there is nothing. There are pieces of me that see pictures and yet I feel nothing. A terrible awful movie but I am there just watching.
There was another nightmare this week and I was surrounded by people, and a woman was holding Bella in a blanket, her little feet were sticking out and they asked me how I wanted her to be buried. I tried to tell them no and started to panic, but as fast as the panic came, there was a calm a peace. I have never ever had a dream like this. They were kind, the people that were surrounding me and I got to sit and I cried and held her and rocked her. I saw all of her little perfect parts. I didn't have an answer as for what to do, I was just present with her. I have never had her in a dream like that, she has always been something untouchable, because I didn't have a right to be sad. I have never had the right to speak about her. She was a piece of me that I had to keep quiet and hidden. I think opening up more about this time and all of the things that I don't know, I was able to have this dream as an acceptance of what happened. One thing that I know for sure is the love that I had for her. She was everything pure and good and amazing. There are so many things that I don't know that I may never ever know. My body still feels the loss sometimes, how I felt how crampy and achy that I was. There were so many things that a 13-year-old can't understand. I didn't understand what was happening to me, I have thought my entire life that I was a terrible person, and I did something wrong to lose her.
The shower has been really really hard. I am tired of having to talk myself through a shower something so simple, something so necessary and for me it's dangerous and terrifying. There is a list of things that I can't do. I can't let the water hit my face; I can't touch the cold wall. I can't let the water be too hot or too cold. Sometimes even after being careful of all those things I feel like Don is right there in the shower again just waiting and I can't breathe and my brain goes to a place looking for an exit, looking for anything other than being in this place at this time. A simple shower is more often than not exhausting.
Other nightmares are when I tried to get away and for a second, I made it to the hall. There was such a sense of accomplishment. I mean they of course caught me, but in that moment, there was a fight like I was going to make it. I know I could in no way have fought off all of them but for a few seconds I really thought that I was going to be free, there was a sense that at least I tried something anything to be out of the hell that I was in. Of course, there is that ever-present moment in time when you think that you are screaming, kicking but then realize that nothing is coming out of you not a scream not a whimper because literally there is almost nothing left, you are barely holding on to this life by a thread. These nightmares are so vivid and so intense. I often do not understand how I came out on the other side. I think for a good part of the day things were truly just black. I do not think that I was consciously there, and that kept me alive. I think of the brutality, and the stories of women that have been through similar things that have been in the hospital for weeks on end. And I think was that day really as bad for me? There was no hospital, no care no dr. I just took care of things. I covered my bruised body, I walked ever so slowly, I was careful how I sat and breathed. Literally it was impossible to take a deep breath, every muscle, every inch of my little girl body was tormented by their hands, so many hands.
I guess with these nightmares there are different pieces that seem to stand out. I can remember laying by the back door. I was so cold but the sun on my skin was something that I remember so clearly. I wonder how I got there, where were they? I wonder why I didn't get up and reach for the sliding glass door . So many questions, but I took comfort in feeling the sun, somehow in that I knew that I was somehow still alive. I didn't know why but I was grateful for the warmth. A moment of peace in a day in hell.
The terror when they brought me into my brother's room, because all of the sudden they needed some privacy. Like that had bothered them all day. I think when they were taking turns under the fan. There was not an ounce of privacy, all of them cheering each other on, taking turns, holding me down. Their laughing: I can still hear the laughing. But all of the sudden they needed Privacy. It was later in the day. And I remember it being my brother's room but somehow it was my room by my bed because I remember wanting to hide in the little crawl space behind the bed. I can remember thinking that there was no way they would be able to fit back there and get me. I think all of my thoughts were in slow motion by this time. There wasn't much left of me, my fight was almost nonexistent, I wanted them to be done. At this point I just hoped to die, in my brain that was the next step. So they all came in took their turns, Don was always the worst, I think that was another time that he used the gun. I don't have any words to describe the absolute anguish really, I think that Andy was the last one. But he came into that room to help me, he covered me up. He wiped off my face, that was one time that I remember crying that day. I literally fell apart in his arms. I am not sure what I thought but I remember being hysterical, and he said that it was ok. I remember him saying that he wasn't going to hurt me and saying that it was ok over and over. It felt like I mattered, that I was human for a short time. The day wasn't done but I don't remember much after being in my brother's room. I do remember them carrying me back to the living room, there was no need to tie me up anymore. Any movement no matter how small felt like I was breaking. My mind was gone, somewhere far far away everything was black, I didn't even hear their voices anymore. I would see something, but it was hard to keep my eyes open. I wasn't there and there was no coming back. I remember getting kicked as they left and them spitting on me. My only thoughts were on cleaning up. Fixing the fringe. How does a little girl survive those things? I wanted to die; I couldn't imagine facing another human ever. So I pretended this was my life clean up and keep doing all that is expected of me.
So, these have been the things of my nightmares. I am so very exhausted, my bones hurt, my heart is overwhelmed, and a part of my soul is still in this darkness. Literally I wake up and it's like I was back there. I don't know how to be ok with all of this. I don't know how to be normal; I can never have a husband. When the memories come back so fiercely that is my first thought, no one can ever love me. I don't know how to let go of the pictures that are so haunting that I freeze. I know that I will figure this out because that is what I do. This is brutal, this is the hardest thing I have ever ever had to do in my life. I for some reason survived and I am fighting my way out of that hell; but it's so fucking painful. I was completely alone and not a single soul helped me through. It's different today. I don't feel like I am in it alone, but I feel so fucking guilty that I can't keep it in. I can't let these things spiral in my brain because it's killing me and there is a lot of life left to live. Sometimes I wish that it was still an option to pretend that I am fine. Iam fine just fine. Callahan is fine, only I am not fine, and these things were never ok. We will make it, we have too.
I heart your heart.
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