So much inside

 

So much inside and so little to say.  Well, there is a lot to say but the words escape me. There is such a heaviness in my soul. I am at a place between looking back and looking forward. I am doing everything that I can trying to help that 13-year-old find the light and find her voice.  I am looking back trying to find the pieces, trying to understand. I want so badly for her to be free, for her to smile and not look over her shoulder.  She isn't in the dark, but she isn't in the light yet either.  She is quiet and still so sad.  It is so hard for her to imagine a time when she doesn't feel so awful. I am working to give her a name something more appropriate than just 13-year-old girl.  She so deserves rest; she deserves to feel loved and safe.  She deserves more than that and I am trying to find something that will make her feel more a part of this life instead of a girl that has had to hide away, feeling so insignificant. I will never stop trying, I will forever keep fighting for her.  It is my hope that someday, she will open her eyes and be able to enjoy all the things that this life has to offer.  I cannot tell you when that day will be, but I can promise I will be here fighting until she can. I know that she has so much inside, I know that even today she is more than afraid.  Today she still believes everyone's words about how insignificant she was; they made her feel worthless and small. I believe that she has come a long way from that darkest dark place that she was in.  She is no longer alone behind a wall with no light, no hope. 

She is moving toward the light; she is just unable to see it She is still more than afraid; she is still frozen in the things that have happened. She has a grip on her past, because somehow, she has to prove why and how she is the way that she is. She holds on to the things that have happened; because they matter, and her entire life people told her that those things were of such insignificance, but those things are a part of her and so many people refused to see them. I think somehow when she feels her voice is heard she will slowly be able to let go.   She is terrified of coming into the light and being seen.  Because for her being seen is exactly how she gets hurt. She is terrified of being told once again that the things that happened were her fault.  The things that happened, didn't really happen, and that she is just a sad case of a girl who is a liar. I worry for her for the both of us because we cannot handle any more hurt, I have to prove to her that I can take care of us.  I have to prove that those things did happen to her.  I have to show her that I believe her, and I love her and i am grateful that she helped me survive the most unimaginable.  I have to help her find her voice, give her a safe place to feel, to purge and for once be able to feel and move on.  I have to prove to her that she will be seen and heard and there is no need for her to hide away.  Right after she got the courage to speak, she was shamed and blamed and that is where she lives. 

Today I have to work to prove otherwise, that she is believed and that it's so ok not to know all the answers.  She was just a girl who didn't know.  There was no way that she could have all the answers.  There is such a sense that she is the adult and should have known; she had to believe that since as far back as she can remember.  I have to prove that she wasn't an adult. She was a child, and it was every single adult in her life that failed her.  If I can help her understand how she was failed and in no way at fault, I think she can begin to come back to life. I think that she is breathing but barely.  

I am not giving up.  I know how very hard this is and I know and understand how afraid that you are. 

I heart your heart.