Just Blah

 

I don't know there are so many things.  I am on overload, and I want to hide away. My brain is everywhere, and I don't want to do anything.  I want to stay under my warm covers and forget everything.  I want to scream at the world and pet my dog.  I want some things to be easier, I want so badly to understand the why and how's for some of the things in my life.    The trouble is that there are no answers.  The things that I am looking for , there isn't one magic thing that will make it better.  There is no magic wand to take away the nightmares, the achiness the feeling of their hands.   I think that finally I am able to have hope that there is a light at the end of the Tunnel, but I also feel like these last pieces are extra sharp and even more dangerous!  I feel like these last parts and pieces there are big chunks missing and somehow my brain is going to have to learn to be ok with that. Everything about this part of my journey is hard and at the same time I have never been so far outside of my own box, doing different things, making things my own.

I feel like I am finally doing things that make a difference, that make my heart happy and that means the world. I worry ALL THE TIME !  I get on my own nerves I worry so much.  I worry about things that there really is no need to worry about. I worry about being teacher of the year, somehow there is even more pressure on me than before.  I worry that someone is going to read a post and go and tattle.  I feel like every time that I want to have a voice there is someone there wanting me to be quiet about the things that are important to me.  People don't me share when I am mistreated, and that is not ok.  I have just as much right to share my experiences as anyone else.

I think maybe it's just changing times.  The kids are getting older, I have to find out the things that I want out of life,  I want to be truly happy.  I want to have people around that are genuine and kind and care about me and the things that I think and believe.  

Once again, I saw a post with a group of women that I don't belong in.  It stings because there was a time when I did, take that back I thought that I did.  I was wrong.  I didn't fit into their little boxes.  I asked too many questions and challenged the way that they thought.  I didn't believe in god and they didn't understand my spirit. I don't want to be a part of their group, but it hurts when you used to think that you were a part of them if that makes sense.  There was a saying that I found the other day talking about that fact that if someone refuses to choose a side when someone has done something to another person than in their not choosing, they have made it loud and clear that they did in fact actually make a choice.   Yes , yes to all of that.  They made a choice, and I was not a part of it.  Maybe that will be one of those things that always hurt.  I am better off, I want true and genuine over pretending and being something that I am not.  

I think good things are happening, I have a lot of good things starting to happen.  I think that I am learning that I have to make the things that I want to happen happen.  I look forward to going back to school maybe meeting some new people.  I am scared, I hope that I am able to do all the things that are neeeded,  talk about stepping out of my zone.  

I have good days and rough days rougher than most, but I am trying.  I want to find my own happy and I don't want to be by myself anymore; and at the same time, I don't know how not to be.  Being alone is a huge feeling right now and I don't like it.  Hopefully this is just a time of change.  Just a quiet time, before things start to change and get better.  I have to hope so, because I am working really hard, I am trying to find my happy.  

To new beginnings and finding all the things that I want in life.  

I heart your heart.