Bigger than I ever imagined

 I had been preparing to speak to a group of interns I was going over the outline and writing some, ok maybe a lot.  I wanted to say all of the right things, I wanted to make an impact. The things that I realized are heartbreaking, All the things that happened to me are so much bigger than I ever imagined or could even fathom.  Every single person that hurt me was a part of the church.  Every single person was a part of the problem and each and every one of those people let me down and they made me the problem. Every single person that could have done something didn't.  Every single person that should have offered help and support didn't.  All of the people around me were cowards and made me the girl who was lying because they were unable to see the truth and too afraid to do anything about it. I didn't know any different and I took it all in. 

Yesterday was the day.  I arrived early.  I was nervous but there was also a calm.  As scared as I was, there was a part of me that was even more excited.  This was a chance for my story to mean something.  This was a chance for this group to do things different, to take parts and pieces of my story and use them as they helped their own clients. 

I talked about things that I have never spoken openly to others about.  I spoke about things that I have felt more than ashamed about. Of course, I can chip away at myself, that I was scattered.  I can be angry that I didn't look around more, that I didn't explain things better. There were a few times I would start answering a question and then I got lost and am not sure I answered the right way.  I didn't say some of what I felt were important things, I said other things that didn't really matter. I am pretty sure that, I could write pages about all the things that I did wrong. I could write pages about all the things that I could have done better, all the things that I could or should have said.  My time with them went by so fast, I think each piece alone could be two hours.  There are so many parts and pieces, and things that are so close together, there are pieces that are so entangled in each other.  

The interns were all amazing. One that was sitting the closest to me thanked me for being willing to share. That it meant so much and that it was something that she will carry forever, one of the younger interns said that this was something amazing and that everyone there will carry a piece of me with them as they work with their clients.  Another said she could relate to so much about being in a dysfunctional family. She spoke to me with tears in her eyes, she was from Boston. She asked questions about how to help and questions about how I dealt with things.  It was amazing.  I was seen and heard.  I cried I was vulnerable.  It was so good, I left wanting more.  More times, I wanted to explain more, I wanted more connection, I didn't want it to end.  

There is a part of me that feels more than guilty that I didn't want it to end.  When there was little time left and Mark asked for questions, I found myself dreading the time when it would come to a close.  I feel like there were so many things to say to explain to get out of me.  I know that I will carry this with me forever, and I know that I want more of the sharing, I want more of the openness, I want more of the connection.  I feel like each and every person in that room would have done things so differently, then how I was treated.  So much hope that the people they will come in contact with will get the help and support that they need.  That is something more than amazing. 

A deep sadness also hit, at just all that was lost, al that was never experienced.  I feel that 13 year old, and I just want to sleep and find warmth.  It's strange, so many new beginning and there is a sad that I don't have words for.  It's a lonely sad,  even in all the good things.  Maybe that is just the piece that will always ache.  I don't know.

So many things to think about.  But I can tell you that the need to just let it all out, not in writing or pictures but speaking it and making connections to others is the strongest than it has ever been.  I can't and don't want to carry the weight of all that has happened to me.  More than ever, I don't feel alone in my story and I have so much more to say. 

I heart your heart.